We Are Silently Going Home

I wanted to start my new post in a very deep and inviting way, and yet I suddenly feel like asking about you.

“How are you?”

Really, how are you?

Don’t tell me of how quickly you are moving through your to do list, so your goals can make up for this difficult time.

Don’t tell me of how your diet has gone down the hill either, or how you have been working out every day.

Tell me of how your heart feels within this newly found slowness and quiet instead.

Has it resisted it?

Welcomed it?

Even ignored it.

But rather than knowing of how the Coronavirus has changed your life, I’d like to know how it has changed your heart.

While we are moving at a different pace, we allow silence to emerge.

A silence which is so inviting, it cannot be ignored.

I had a fall from grace last week.

Some would call it “the dark night of the soul”, others would simply say I had a couple “very rough days” (meaning, not even the whole gallon of wine would have helped!).

I call it “the time when my heart stopped ’cause it couldn’t keep up with the pain”.

I felt completely swallowed by the frighting news and the prospect that our life will never go back to normal.

Most of all, I was truly angry.

Why should I put my life on hold for some stupid virus which apparently is here not only to change the economy of the world, but also to turn us all into evolved beings.

I didn’t care about being enlightened, and I didn’t even care about having a fairer society.

I just want my life back – I kept on thinking.

For a moment all the anticipation coming from spiritual and new age groups about the coming of a new world, really enraged me.

But at the same time, I just felt outraged by the idea of a sinister agenda both the media and governments everywhere are using to control us.

So there I was, in no man’s land.

And that is a scary place indeed, ’cause suddenly you don’t know where to go.

I suddenly felt an aversion for what the world has become and most of all for its inhabitants.

Me, of all people, suddenly found myself unable to feel any love for anyone.

Especially those buying tons of toilet paper or abusing you in the street because apparently you are an “untore” ( a so called “plague -spreader” back in 1600!).

I felt crushed under the weight of so much pain and fear.

They say that there is always a beautiful dawn after a dark night.

Mine arrived when I stopped and started to listen to that silence which is slowly pervading our lives.

It carries promises of a place so still and yet so joyful, so vibrant but never imposing.

While I listened to its whispers, I felt the need “to come home”.

And home is always and only when the heart is.

For the first time in my life I saw how it’s only when we are in our heart, away from the distractions of the world, that we are both strong and invincible.

When we are in there, at home, it doesn’t matter what the world does or doesn’t.

We feel so grounded and so unmovable, we become like trees in the wind.

Suddenly I don’t need to know how long the pandemic will be going on for, or if our old lives will really be gone forever.

It doesn’t matter if we all get enlightened or we don’t, if the government is not to be trusted or what stories the media want us to believe.

‘Cause I have my own story.

What truly matters is that I have come home and no one and nothing will ever take me away again.

I’ve not watched the news (even that little) since then or been much on social media.

I have felt like retrieving instead so to enjoy my quiet companion, which suddenly showed up on my door step to gently, but firmly, make his way in.

I’m no longer in man’s land; rather I’m in a place where I feel deeply grateful for Life just as it is, with her inexplicable way to suddenly turn.

I’m suddenly in awe of a world that always finds its way to keep going and renew itself.

One day they will call us the “fallen angels”: the ones who fell away from grace so they could return home.

Amidst their tears, they heard Life’s whispers and started to walk down a new path.

They had been there before, but they had forgotten.

The more they walked, the lighter they felt.

The more they remembered.

They remembered the way back home, to their heart.

And say how grace had never left their side, but had carried them when they became too heavy to walk on their own.

May you find your way home dear friend, trusting that you too are being carried right now.

Antonia Lyons

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