Waiting for the Exhale

What am I most passionate about? Well, that’s easy to identify but harder to explain— also if you wanted a straightforward article you will not find that here or any of my pieces, unfortunately. Thank you for your time--

I don't want to sit here and lie and pretend like this has been easy. Literally, no part of this has been easy. I've always been good at being there but not really. Some of you know exactly what I mean.

It's not really at all that I felt unwanted per se. It was more so I felt like there was little to no point in my presence at any given time, I don't technically offer anything different than any other human is capable of.

I know the first time I told that to a therapist they like SIREN blared a red flag to my mom.

"He DEFINITELY has generalized anxiety and clinical depression,"--

Okay-- I do see how that comes off now. To be fair I didn't. It was just the honest impression I had especially growing up looking like I do. Coming where I come from. Seeing the looks they give me.

Despite what I feel when I look in the mirror, I know I'm a catch and when you grow up around fishers you know either "Catch and Kill" or "Catch and Release"

So I guess I was always just holding my breath for my inevitable capture by this bounty hunter called Life.

But I never felt unwanted or even really that I don't deserve to be here. I just genuinely have no clue why I am and there isn't much in this crazy world that actually makes any sense.

For me, there will always be at least science and art. Science provides an explanation, and art provides expression and context.

Why do people follow me? 👀👀🤷🏾‍♂️ 😅 no, that's not a rhetorical setup to draw you in further. I checked and saw my IG follower count has finally topped 1k (what's that worth like .01 bitcoin these days 😂☝🏾) no?

Does anybody actually read my stories? I mean, I track the stats and it says one thing but do people read the words I ✍🏾.

My passion?

To sum it up would be The Renaissance Network Project, LLC (and Tattoo’s Publishing). Yep, I said LLC. That's right! My 82 week old nephew looked at me and said "Dan, instead of the Burger King this week, invest that money in starting your business".

To be fair though I would call it more of an initiative than a business. Again, how could I? There are far more capable people out there doing any of the things that I am trying to do, and way better. I didn't even go to school for more than half what I try to do. I just. keep. going.

My mom always says she doesn't get credit and to be fair I avoid talking a lot about my mom, but this little initiative of mine wouldn't have made it quite so far without the nudges I received from her. Truthfully, I talk a lot about how stylistically the Fitzgeralds are much of my inspiration. I also talk a lot about how my older brother had influence over much of me catching up, (style-wise). I've always been open about not really getting what it even means to be trendy. Which makes me ask again.

How the hell did I even get 1K people to follow me?! DO I even want people to follow me?

I mean, of course, I do. I want all of your attention so I can continue to write and record and explain all of the things in my head. And it's really selfish.

I credit the Fitzgeralds because I admittedly fell in love with F. Scott's writing style. But I would be remiss in not admitting where the soul of the Ren Net Project truly comes from. When I was about 8 I picked up my first poem. I was reading well before then. My mom being braggadocious intelligent couldn't stand the idea, I think of having a nonverbal child. Not that I was as nonverbal as my partially deaf little brother. But that's the thing, right? Life's a spectrum. Every part of it. Normal is a sliding scale. 60 years ago the majority of people thought segregation was normal.

When I was eight I was introduced to Lanston Hughes' Mother to Son.

This.

Changed.

My.

Life.

Though it would be another three years before I picked up a pen for myself, I felt for the first time that something made sense in this crazy world.

I thought I could TRULY understand my mom's viewpoint on life. I would learn later in life just how wrong I was about that.

But, I was hooked after that! How many perspectives can I understand now?

Then, a few years would go by where I would give up poetry in both reading and writing. At that time I turned to the only class I enjoyed anymore. Science. More specifically anything that had to do with the bio-sciences.

I want to know people. I need to know people. Not on a personal level but how they(we) function... Then my brother would introduce me fully to rap music. And I learned-- it was poetry, that you could feel in your WHOLE body. From there I binge listened to Billboard's top 500 songs every year until I would go to college and well... lose myself until I would find my direction to answers.

I got to submerge myself essentially isolated with so many people from so many different backgrounds and perspectives.

It's just because I know with all of the beautiful diversity in the world, neurodiversity is still on the poor receiving end for a lot in already marginalized communities and I know why. Lack of real resources to educate and destigmatize plays an important role.

That's what at The Renaissance Network Project I hoped to accomplish in 2017. Building a platform for not only my community but for it to become a safe space for others to come and workshop to tell their stories. I suspect with all of this beautiful diversity we see we are a whole lot more alike than different. I suspect we know that. And I suspect that scares the living hell out of us.

I know it scares the living hell out of me. And that's where I guess I start. I am in the works of developing a show with a great group of people.

I won't release details because that's just going to put so much pressure. I don't want to blow up except, literally sometimes. But I do want to produce this show with two of my favorite Baltimore Directors and bring destigmatization to the Trenches I come from. We say a lot #Protect but ignore that mental health has to be close if not first on the table.

Currently, people can get involved and support even becoming a real member in getting this "initiative" to the next steps.

At the Renaissance Network you can become a member. I really hope to build opportunities to learn from everyone’s talents and perspectives. Read and engage with what I have there. Support me by reading and sharing my Vocal articles. Every dollar made is going to go directly into funding this hopefully beneficial show.

#JKWereGrowingUp. Feel free to start using the hashtag to let me know you're joining my goofy little mission. I could really use that kind of pressure to keep me pressing forward. After all, I do still have a degree to finish and an industry to change in the daytime.