Uncertainty that could of trapped me

Early morning 2017, ice frozen over on my windshield and my hands cold to the touch. I'm scraping off my windshield, dreading the day going forward, knowing that if I get food and an energy drink, it would make 20% of the day better and go by faster but not by much. My life consisted of a job that was 30- 60 minutes away depending on the day where it was hit or miss if I was going to get yelled out, insulted, or end up doing everyone else job and mine for the same pay. My field choice was the casinos, and I always went back to it; that was the 3rd casino I worked out with the year breaks in between the others, but I always ended back up at the mountain working.

There was always something happening up there; my parents would tell me it was never dull. Wasn't that the truth? But the pay hourly was horrible, but the tips paid, especially on the weekend. Going on close to 1 year sober, and I was slipping back into my ways of toxicity. Once an addict, always one is what I was told, and during my sobriety learned that to be true. You can take away the drugs and alcohol, but you can't take the person out of the habits. I knew I was being risky with drinking every night after work while I waited for the bus. I knew gambling on my breaks and after work was getting me nowhere good. I could feel the tension inside just eating me alive inside and the depression building up as I was masking all over again. It was long before I used the failed relationships that never lasted to the toxic work and home environment.

I set myself up from the beginning for failure knowing the environment could lead me down the wrong path. It reminded me of the time I reached out to my parents on fathers day after I lost my manager position with a company. I told them about my addiction, and I wanted to get help, and they told me, you don't need help; just go back to work you will be fine. I did get back to work, but I did not end up fine as they had hoped. I got in some pretty dangerous situations, and then it took a felony to get me to stop. Then a few months later getting pregnant shortly after.

I knew I needed to change something quickly but was uncertain and didn't know how to go about it without support. I was ashamed and, most of all, guilty of my relapse and spiraling behavior. Uncertain about taking a new job, I was unsure about opening up and telling someone I relapsed, and was uncertain about so many things, so I remained where I had certainty, trying to control to the best of my addiction as I could. It was not long before I was back to dating, and then I met someone I wasn't sure about, but the guy I was dating was determined to be with me, and for once, my life began changing for the better. He had no idea what he was getting himself into, and neither did I, but I was using him for as much the support I could to help me out of my uncertainty with my job and my relapse. 2018 I had accomplished getting my GED, and right away, I registered for the community college. I was moving along away from my troubles. 2018 I finally decided to take a job change and got the opportunity to work an office job 9-5 for more pay hourly, but I had my weekends off and could spend more time with my son. I felt like a million bucks knowing I was going places other than back into my addiction and making excuses for breaking free of my toxic work environment. I also stood up for myself and confronted the man who had constantly insulted me and yelled at me. I felt weak as I was crying in front of him and everyone else that day. When I looked him in the eye and told him, "You know I don't know what I have ever done to you to hate me so but out of the three years working here I am done trying to prove myself or get you to like me anymore today is my last day an I hope all you have put me through you wont do to the next. "He was speechless as my big boss and HR stood there looking at him to see what he had to say. He didn't apologize and just said, " You know what I'm done for the rest of the day an walked out." I knew he would still have his job tomorrow because that's how that company was, but I was glad that day was my last day. All my uncertainty prior didn't matter because I began to feel closure and forgiveness towards myself the farther I got away from the toxic environment. To be continued...