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Unapologetically Me

A story of breaking free

By A.M. HartePublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 6 min read
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I've always felt a little out of place in life. It sometimes felt like I was an alien, born on the wrong planet, or maybe in the wrong time. My inner world didn't match my outer reality, much of the time.

One of my earliest memories is of an intuitive moment I had as a 2 year old child, when I realized that an adult in my life had lied to me. I kept that knowledge to myself, intentionally, so as not to embarrass them. I remember my inner voice telling me that they had a good reason for lying, that they wanted to protect me, and that I should simply accept it. It's strange to realize how young I really was when I had these thoughts.

To me, that inner voice is as clear and steady today as it was in my toddler brain. My inner whispering was always there, guiding me, and it has never changed in all the years since then.

Intuitiveness and empathy have always been a core part of my being. These are traits I cherished within myself and considered my most important values. If an action I took or a choice I made did not align with those traits, I was very critical of myself. I didn't allow myself much human error. But then again, neither did those around me.

I was raised as a people pleaser. I did everything I could to ensure the adults around me stayed happy. I kept the peace. I took on the full responsibility of their emotional well being from an early age, and was harshly criticized when I didn't fulfill that responsibility.

It's easy for me to see now looking back, but when I was a child, I thought I had to be what my parents wanted. Any time I spoke up assertively, or stood my ground, my mother, or other family members would say, "Oooh, feisty!" It was never meant as a compliment. It was meant to remind me to stay quiet, meek, and agreeable. Feisty was bad. Standing up for my own needs was bad. These were the messages I internalized and believed about myself for most of my life.

A part of me was always hidden away in the shadows. I kept those sacred parts of me safe so that they could not be criticized and taken away from me. I held onto my inner knowing and kept it quiet where no one could tear it apart.

So it was surprising even to myself when, one day, I decided I no longer cared about what anyone thought of me. I no longer cared if the image others had of me was negative, displeasing, or disagreeable. I realized if I continued to spend my whole life making sure no one had a bad impression of me -- which, I'm sorry to tell any fellow perfectionists out there, is actually impossible -- I would never be able to be truly, authentically, me.

On April 6, 2021, I liberated the real me. I made a choice based on my intuition. I chose the path I knew was right for me (AND for my children) regardless of what everyone around me would think or what they wanted. I left my marriage.

I realize that some reading this post will automatically judge my decision. It's human nature to make assumptions about other people without knowing all the information, and subsequently to apply judgment to those people based on our own view of the world. I've done it, too.

We all have our own unique belief systems, perceptions shaped by our individual experiences in life, and opinions about right and wrong that are shaped by a multitude of factors. It can be difficult, even for the most open minded people, to remember that a completely opposite perspective can still be valid.

I had what I consider to be excellent reasons for leaving my marriage. My ex partner was abusive. I won't waste time describing how he was abusive, as there were thousands upon thousands of experiences across nearly a decade of our marriage. The "how" isn't all that important, though some have demanded I explain myself, and have decided I made a poor choice.

One such person was my mother. She has chosen to support and validate my ex abuser. She tells me I should have continued to forgive him, as that is what god would want. I have a very different view of what a loving god would want. These differences in perspective led me to fundamentally shift my entire belief system over the past two years.

My view of myself, my place in this world, and my value as a human being has completely shifted. My view of religion, my understanding of life and the universe and meaning has all flipped on its head from what I was taught to believe since childhood. I can respect that my mother does not believe divorce is acceptable under any circumstances. However, her opinion cannot change my own decisions.

I only get one life. My children only have me to look to as their mother. I truly believe that my little ones will grow up seeing my strength and my light. When I am free and following my own, authentic path, they will be emboldened to make independent choices for themselves, too. They will see that they are free to be 100% themselves, regardless of the expectations anyone else may have for them, including me.

The first two weeks after leaving my ex spouse were a blur for me. I've mostly blocked them out of my memory as the very thought of them can send me into a downward spiral. It was hard. So much of my life, the relationships with people whom I believed would always support me, exploded and fell apart.

I had feared, before I left, that I would lose all of my support system. And I did. It felt as bad as I thought it would. Maybe even worse than I had imagined. Yet, at the same time, I was filled with a sense of peace that I had never before experienced in my life.

You see, I had never before followed the guiding light within me. I was always nervous about being judged. I ignored the gentle tugging towards peace and my passions, believing that I was doing the right thing to deny myself.

So when I finally walked away, it was the most powerful, the most liberating thing I have ever done. In one single moment, I shed the burden of expectations and followed my inner sense of knowing. I took my first steps as ME the morning that I left my marriage.

Life has not been without its low moments since then. I've had struggles. I still worry about how I will ensure my children have everything they need. I left with no money and without a livable income. But, through the support of a few people, self-advocacy, and trust in myself in knowing what I need, I have slowly begun to build a new life where I thrive instead of merely survive.

I learned to trust myself. I learned to follow my intuition that has been with me since childhood. The deepest peace has followed me ever since. Now, I am free to pursue the opportunities that speak to my soul, that light me up. Every passion, every act of creation, every small pleasure in life from viewing the bright moon in the sky or a beautiful sunset, or laughing with my children, I am free to experience the fullness of each moment without fear or dread.

I am -- finally -- fully, deeply, unapologetically, me.

healing
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About the Creator

A.M. Harte

A.M. Harte has dreamed of being a published author ever since she was a little girl. She lives on the Canadian prairies and writes poems and stories inspired by life's struggles, always with a hint of optimism.

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