Type of Stain

I had my first dance with mental illness at age 15 and had a psychotic episode at 16. I did a bit of time in the psych wards. That was the first-ever time I've had no access to the outside world. A psychotic episode was a normal response to having to deal with extreme circumstances that were out of my control. What was not normal was brushing it under the rug and pretended it never even happened. It was one of the unspoken secrets under the roof. I felt like I was an attention-seeker, especially from the marks I’ve made on skins. At the time I didn't know why I was doing it. I just didn't want to feel powerless and those emotions of guilt, shame, and unworthiness. For years I lived a double life. At school and around friends, I’d play the role of an outgoing and carefree person. When in reality I was drowning in misery and shame. The school was my escape, it was a place I could forget and pretend.

I am a victim of sexual abuse. I was ashamed of what had happened to me. I blamed myself for letting it occur and not being able to protect my sister. I was an 11 years old girl carrying these boulders of guilt and shame. Which then I carried with me for the next 10 years. I’ve done a great amount of shaming myself. That period the only way I knew how to deal with those emotions was by inflicting wounds to myself. I couldn’t come to terms about the abuse. When it was hiding under my bed I could close my eyes and pretend it wasn’t happening. Then it spilt all over the floor and I couldn’t pretend anymore. At the same time, I was afraid of judgements and any 15-year-old child would not know how to deal with that type of stain. Instead, I re-arranged my room to cover and hide it.

My emotions got so overwhelming that I didn’t know how to control it. I’d self-harm by marking my skin to release those emotions of guilt, shame, unworthiness and feeling powerless. Wrapping those up with bandages or bracelets to cover the shame that was seeping through my skin and tuck myself to bed. It came a time where marking my skin wasn’t working anymore, it didn’t give the same comfort as it used to. I found a new habit by numbing those unbearable emotions instead. First, it was getting blackout drunk with alcohol at every single party I went too. Which then turned into substance exploration once I was exposed to the nightlife. I used people as a temporarily comfort and distraction, whether it was having sex or just being with them. Those were some of the destructive and impulsive habits I developed throughout trying to escape. Each habit lost its purpose eventually and those emotions came flooding back.

I constantly wanted to escape. I’ve been afraid to experience the pleasure of my potential, that I wasn't living. I cannot turn back the time and undo the horrid thing I’ve experienced. I always thought that one day I would just get better, happier and none of the horrors would ever need to resurface. Only realising that healing has to be intentional. I shouldn’t be carrying these weights in the first place because they are not, to begin with. It was never my fault. He was a full-grown man and he knew exactly what he was doing. I was powerless. I was a child.

I am not to blame for that stain. I've made a blueprint of my self-beliefs as a child; that I wasn't enough. I went and stuck that blueprint somewhere in my mind and forgot about it. Till now, I'm finding clues and pieces to where that blueprint is. It is going to take some time to recover that print. Although I've enjoyed the surprises I've learned about myself so far.