Triggers, Fears and Surrendering

Triggers

A touchy subject and one I acknowledge has more to do with me and my reflection vs others.

A huge trigger for me is feeling and noticing others being dishonest and not truthfully & wholeheartedly expressing themselves. More specifically with those who are a part of my life.

Why did this bother me?

I could sense there were feelings, emotions, and words left unsaid. They were holding back, unwilling to acknowledge or not open to having the conversation and trying to avoid it in some way.

So again I ask why did this bother me?

A question I desperately continued to avoid and did not want to face or acknowledge.

How was I being dishonest?

I fully believe each person a part of my life, or if they have just recently entered my life, is a mirror. They are mirrors and a reflection of ourselves.

So how was I and how have I continued to be dishonest?

I am not honest with myself. I do not allow myself to feel my feelings.

I continue the cycle of numbing or shutting down and I don’t allow myself to feel when I am on my own.

I don’t honour what is true for me or what my body and mind needs. I neglect myself, my feelings & my needs.

I am terrified to sit by myself in the silence and just be or be still.

Why does sitting with myself in the silence scare me?

Because of my past and how I experienced silence. I associate silence with fear and it scares me.

I was scared into silence for my survival and I was showed that staying quiet was how I should act & show up.

I acknowledge that I have built trust within the relationships I have currently in my life. A trust that has allowed me to feel my feelings & express myself, be vulnerable and process my emotions in a way my body & mind need and want.

I can say that building trust like that was easier for me than building it with myself.

I am working on trusting, allowing and being vulnerable with myself before anyone else. Creating a space within the silence and within myself where I feel safe to feel & express myself. To show up, be vulnerable and express my emotions in a way my mind & body need and want.

I also realize along my journey I developed a vicious cycle that I have trapped myself in.

I consistently seek to understand myself and everything on a deeper level.

What I have previously failed to realize is this has been another way for me to run.

I don’t allow myself to just stop, surrender and be.

A beautiful quote written by Osho is this, “Be-Don’t try to become.”

In life, I always felt like I was “missing the mark.”

Why did I feel like I was missing the mark?

Because I never allowed myself to JUST BE. I was ALWAYS DOING.

But the truth is there was never really a mark for me to hit.

I was so focused on what was ahead. What I could learn next, my next accomplishment, the strategy, the next “skill” I could master and how often I could take myself back (to my past & childhood) to learn and to have a better understanding of who I am and why I am the way I am.

Now don’t get me wrong doing this inner work or self-work is very valuable and required for healing & forgiving.

However, there will always be opportunities for me to go back in my lifetime. But I don’t need to continuously put myself back there. At what point was it going to be enough and when was I finally going to allow myself to just be?

As I said that’s been my way of running, not acknowledging what’s in front of me and not learning or truly taking in what’s being presented in the present moment.

So where am I now?

I have been practicing to surrender. Surrendering to a place of not doing. A small step for me has been not taking notes as I read, listen to podcasts or have conversations with friends. This was a challenge and a suggestion from my life coach and one I definitely fought against. I tried to make up accuses to justify my note-taking.

When I find my mind racing or rapidly thinking of HOW or WHY...I remind myself not to seek to understand everything.

I am learning to trust the universe, to trust myself and to feel safe in the silence. I am making time for myself to express my feelings & emotions and I am giving myself a break from always stepping back into the past. I am learning to let go of seeking to understand everything. Most importantly I am learning to trust & allow myself to surrender within the divine feminine and JUST BE!