Trauma

When you hear the word, trauma, a few things may come to mind. EMTs and first responders? Probably. War veterans? Most definitely. Abuse and rape victims? Maybe. A lot of different things can cause trauma. However, trauma affects people differently.

Trauma causes two disorders; Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Both have the same symptoms, but one of them is made up of several traumas in one. That would be C-PTSD. The symptoms of these disorders are experienced differently but generally the symptoms are flashbacks (feeling like the event is happening again, nightmares, distressing, involuntary memories or images, avoiding places, people, or objects that remind you of the event., avoiding thoughts or feelings associated with the trauma, avoiding conversations about the event, persistent negative emotions (fear, anger, guilt, shame), feeling detached from family or friends, loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, difficulty remembering key details of the trauma, irritability or angry outbursts, being easily startled or frightened, hypervigilance (constantly checking for threats), trouble sleeping or concentrating, chronic pain, headaches, or stomach pain and trembling, shaking, or dizziness. In order for either of these disorders to be diagnosed, the symptoms must last longer than a month.

I've experienced several traumas throughout my life. Though in the United States, the only formal diagnosis I have received is PTSD. I don't know why it's set up like that. However, at least I have a diagnosis, and being treated for it. If you are part of a sensitive reader, I would suggest you stop reading now because I'm about to talk about my own traumas.

When I was five, my mom was in a very abusive relationship. He didn't abuse me much. However, I remember hearing screaming and loud thuds against the walls at night as I lied in bed. Then one day, he made me mac n cheese but he put ketchup in it. I didn't like it that way. So, when I refused to eat it, he hit me so hard, it knocked me to the floor and then I crawled under my bed to hide. My mom wasn't home at the time. Not long after, maybe a few weeks, I was feeding his dog some treats when I got too close, and the dog bit my nose. My mom picked me up so fast and loaded me into the car and drove me to the emergency room. I needed six stitches total. The worst part is, he refused to get rid of the dog. That's when my grandma stepped in. She told my mom, if she didn't leave him, she would take custody of me. So, my mom left him and we stayed with my grandparents for awhile. I still remember hearing her crying at night from my bedroom.

When I was ten, I was outside playing with my friends. When one of them pulled me into the garage and locked the door. He was sixteen, and made sexual advances towards me. He at one point touched me inappropriately and I screamed. Luckily, my other friend heard me scream and broke the door down and the other guy stopped and ran away. I didn't remember this one until I was eighteen years old.

When I was fourteen years old, I was in a relationship with a guy. He lived close enough to bike to and from each other's homes. One day, we were riding our bikes to his mom's on a road with no sidewalks. Somehow, he saw a car speeding towards us around the bend, but I was in the direct path. So, he pushed me out of the way to protect me. Luckily, the car slowed down enough that it just grazed him. I was knocked unconscious by the impact with my bike resting on top of me. He pulled the bike off of me, picked me up, and carried me to his mom's place. Some of the people nearby saw what happened and decided to hold onto our bikes for us until he came back to retrieve them.

When I was sixteen, I was in a different relationship, but I had just broke up with him. I was taking it pretty hard. I just thought it was the right thing to do. Anyway, I ended up cutting my arms, and tried to overdose. I wandered towards the end of my street, trying to get hit by a car. I got scared after I started getting lightheaded so I called 911. They came right away and I was laying on the ground. The EMTs loaded me into the ambulance and turned on the sirens, taking me to the nearest emergency room. Barely conscious, we arrived. I was rushed into a room and the nurses and doctors immediately started pushing IV fluids, put me on monitors, and placed a urinary catheter. My mom watched helplessly from the end of the hospital bed. I barely survived. I was taken to an adolescent psychiatric unit where I stayed for a week.

When I was eighteen, I had just left the man of my dreams after two years of being together. About two weeks later, I saw him at my college campus. I completely lost it. I ran in the opposite direction and he chased me, and screamed my name. However, I didn't stop. I ran up to the first level of a parking deck and jumped. I blacked out before I hit the pavement. However, I was able to hear the commotion around me. Sirens. Screams. Chatter. The last thing I clearly remembered was being loaded into an ambulance. I was severely injured. I was in a coma for ten days. I remember waking up in the hospital, with my grandma at my side and my best friend and her dad at the end of my bed. I couldn't move. When my grandma's eyes met mine, I cried. Not from the pain. But from the realization my life would never be the same.

At the ages of nineteen and twenty, I was in a very abusive relationship. He used me and abused me in every possible way. He used me for sex and money for drugs. If I didn't give him either, I would get beaten. He forced me to turn my back on family and friends. They weren't allowed to exist in my life. Only him. One day, I got so fed up, I told him no one last time and for that, he turned me around and tried to choke me to death. I had to beg for mercy. Thankfully, he stopped. Then he smashed my laptop and threatened to smash my phone, too. I somehow managed to talk him down and go to his mom's. When we got there, while he was in the bathroom, I told his mom what happened. She was furious. At both of us. At him for attempting to murder me and at me because she warned me and told me to leave several times. When he came out of the bathroom, his mom scolded him. Instead of going for her, he went after me. He grabbed me by the hair and held a knife up to my throat. His mom sprung into action and pulled him off of me and yelled for his stepdad's help. He came out and restrained him so she could call the police. They came, but they didn't arrest him. They just separated us and the one officer took me home. He continued to harass me for three years after this happened.

After everything I've been through, it's no wonder I act the way I do. Some of these may seem minor, some of them major. Regardless, trauma shaped me into who I am today. I still struggle daily. However, this is just what I've been through. It doesn't define me. It never will. This is because I'm choosing to move forward.