Though Your Eyes

You Guys are Truly Amazing. Robert Jr. (B.J.), Mandie and Dominque.

I lost my mom to alcoholism. It was the hardest thing to get through. Alcoholism does run through your family, but you have to trigger it. All those times you go out with your friends and have a few drinks. You found out, you can drink your friends under the table, or so you though. I’m 26 and going through a divorce. My girlfriend and I would go out occasionally on a Friday or Saturday night. One night I reach that limit when my alcoholism is triggered. Not knowing what I just did, I soon found myself having a drink or two at home after getting my children to bed. I though it helped get me to sleep, so I wasn’t up all night wondering what went so wrong in my marriage. I was looking for anything to help me forget. My drinking seemed to happen when matters of the heart where involved. I would drink for up to a year, then put it down until the next heart breaking event happened. Though the years my drinking just got worse and worse.

Then comes the time when I knew I had to do something about it. After every drinking event, I felt terrible about myself and it was getting harder and harder. I go to a rehab for help. I had tried many times on my own to stop, but wasn’t making it through the withdrawals. I just got sicker and sicker. I think I spent more time in bed trying to quit, then when I had a hangover.

Off to rehab I go and falling flat on my face. The first time I went to rehab, I remember someone asking me if it was my first time in rehab. I said yes and they replied “You’ll be back”. I was hurt. I thought, they don’t know me, how could they say that. But how right they were. Well, two years go by with no drinking. But, I also didn’t follow all the steps that was taught to me. It was my moms birthday and I woke missing her so badly it triggered a craving. I fought it for about two hours. Then I’m off to the races with my first relapse.

Soon came trip two to rehab, then trip three through eight. Each time not following all the steps or discovering something new in my alcoholism. You see alcohol loves to pull surprises on you.

They say you never recover until you hit bottom. My bottom hit and did it hit hard. This bottom included my children. They were done, they couldn’t take it anymore. I believe all it took was them hearing I had relapsed following things said that you would never say sober. Our family at times has to put us at a distance so they can stop worrying so much and try to have some sort of a life. Alcohol kills so many people each day. At times it’s just to much for them. There are things you will learn about your family in your sobriety. Like why they took the steps they took. This all comes in time, which seems to take forever for this information to get to you. When you learn these things, sometimes you find the answer has been in front of you the whole time. You just can’t see it through the drinking.

I couldn’t breath, I was so lost. My children are my world. What was I going to do without them. You can have anything but please, not my kids. I knew as soon as I relapsed I was looking at trip nine to rehab. This was before the knowledge that my children were no longer by my side , along with other things that happened to caused my bottom.

First I finally new, I had to do it for myself. Without that, I’d never reach my sobriety. But then, I started drawing my strength off my children. Remembering things they had said before and still hearing them saying it again and again. You gave me my strength guys and I love you so much. Each day I thought of you. Sometimes 1000 times a day. I’ll never stop loving you. You guys are two things I got so very right.

My Counsler Dominque, I would always ask for because she knew me. She taught me so much. She didn’t beat around the brush. That’s what I liked about her. It was always straight forward. Oh, I didn’t care for her at all when I first meet her. Why was she calling me out all the time in group. You see, I never wanted to speak. As a matter of fact I hated it and she saw that right off the bat. I would have rather crawled in a hole then speak in group. Well that changed over time. She had you taking steps, you never thought you would. Also, I would come back to you guy’s because you made me feel safe. There’s no alcohol around and you looked over us. It was when you walked back out those doors to go home when life’s challenges began again. Thank you so much Dominque. Next time we talk, I’m just going to call. You are truly a blessing and my hero.

B.J. And Mandie, I love you so much. Sometimes hard love is needed on a loved one. Thank you, for all the joy and wisdom you have brought me. I’ll be reaching my 7 year mark very soon. I never could have done it without you. There’s NO cheating, not even a sip. I Love You guys, more then you’ll ever know. My Hero’s !

Thank you B.J., Mandie and Dominque. Love you

1. *A message to anyone struggling with alcohol. Never give up. We make so many mistakes. But we learn from them. Reach out for help, it’s truly worth it. You would be so surprised at how many times some people have gotten help, over and over and over again. Now my number seems like a Hugh number to me, but your only human and we like all people make mistakes. Even people who don’t drink make plenty of mistakes. Never let anyone single you out because you are trying. Trying is what will get you, your sobriety. I’ll stand by your side to help give you strength. Remember, never give up. Alcohol is a killer, let’s help fight the fight.

Thank you Lord for your many blessings !!!!!

Mom I Miss you so much. I Love You.

**Thank you for your support and contribution, so I my grow in writing skills. Thank You so much!!

Kathryn Stephens