Therapy Taught Me About Expectation Management

Therapy is still at large considered a taboo, especially in the place and community I come from. Although I always had an open mind about therapy, it took me almost three years to have my first session with a professional after realizing that there are issues inside my head.

In the sessions with my therapist, the core issue I found was that I had set too high expectations of myself. When those expectations were not met, I made myself feel guilty and a worthless piece of sh*t who doesn't deserve anything. The problem was not having expectations but having too high expectations.

Other issues surfaced during the sessions, but they were not as demanding as the expectation management issue. I wasn't torturing myself over the other issues. They lingered in my head, but they didn't affect my mental peace as much as my expectations did.

I had talked to a couple of my friends about my inner demons from time to time. They understood the fact that they can't help me any more than they did. They always suggested I seek professional help. They had my best interests in their hearts as good friends should have.

After pondering over their suggestions, self-reflecting, a breakup, and neck deep into productivity, hustle, and discipline culture, I found myself to be in a place where I needed to talk to someone who will be unbiased to regain my mental sanity.

Why did I have issues with expectation management?

I had issues with expectation management because of a lack of self-compassion. Being an ambitious person, I have always strived to do better in life. But along the way, I somehow forgot that doing better is not worth it if you cannot enjoy life along the way.

I was influenced by productivity and hustle culture to the extent that I had planned every waking minute of my life. I punished myself by feeling guilty if I socialized, watched Netflix, or did anything that was not intended.

I am a writer in my heart, and having finished my first book; I wanted to create an audience before the book hits the market. Hence, I turned towards social media. I started accounts/pages on all big social media platforms. I was posting content consistently, but I didn't see the results I expected. When I didn't achieve my desired goals or targets, I would criticize myself and say that I am not skilled enough; I am a failure.

The expectations I wish I didn't have.

• Somehow, internally I felt entitled to have people coming out to my profiles and social media platforms and praise me. I lost sight that social media is a marathon, not a sprint. This entitlement raised my expectations through the roof. If I am putting this much time and energy into creating content, then people should come to me and praise me.
• My friends knew about the amount of time I was putting into work. I expected them to understand my irrational behaviors when I was asked to devote my time to anything else but work (social media).
• I expected the girl I was dating at that time to understand that my work was my first priority, and she was second.
• I expected my university supervisors to understand my slacking off on my projects because I devoted my time to social media.
• I expected myself to understand why I wasn't writing (which I strive to do) and indulge in social media day and night.
• I expected myself to be healthy even though I wasn't eating healthy food and had no exercise.

Being productive is a nice thing to have in your arsenal, but you must be careful at what cost this productivity is being achieved.

Tips from my therapist for better expectation management

They are in no particular order, but I promised myself and her that I would surely try and do all the things to the best of my abilities.

• Tip 1 - Self-affirmation about your skills.

You know your skills. Indeed, people might not recognize your skills, but that doesn't mean you don't have them. Create things using your talent, put them out in the world, and let them do their magic. Forget about how people will react to it. Remember that you are doing these things because you have the skill to do them, and you enjoy doing them.

• Tip 2 - Your 100% is enough.

If you think you gave your 100% to any task at hand, then remember you did your best. You can only control what you do and think, not what others do and think. Life is a game of patience. You keep on doing your part and let the world be the judge of it. But don't let the world's judgment get to your head. Not everyone is understood the first time. You give your 100% so that you don't regret the fact that you could have done better.

• Tip 3 - You need to unlearn things. 

This tip stemmed from the fact that in my life, whenever I have worked hard towards any goal, I have achieved it sooner or later. This experience had this looped thought in my head that if I work a little bit harder, I will achieve my goal. 

Sometimes, it is essential to unlearn past experiences so that future experiences can take home in your mind. It is almost analogous to not clinging to the past because it worked that one time. Learn to evolve.

• Tip 4 - Tell/Write positive things.

Never underestimate the power of positivity. It comes in handy when facing failure. My therapist told me to write down positive things about myself whenever facing any failure. Remind yourself about the positive aspects of your personality.

• Tip 5 - Think that you deserve time for yourself.

Spending time alone with your thoughts is crucial to be mentally healthy. I was drowning myself in others' thoughts by watching videos, reading blogs on social media growth. I didn't allow myself anytime with my thoughts. All those things are well and good, but not when you constantly swirl in what others say. 

It is not limited to this. If your body and mind are asking you to take a break and take time for yourself, then listen to it. You don't need to feel any guilt in doing so. If you are not mentally and physically healthy, then how would you work towards anything?

Keep telling yourself that you are a human being, not a machine. You can't be the best at everything you do.

• Tip 6 - Try and meet people.

Human beings are social animals. We have always thrived in communities. But with growing digital technologies, we have forced ourselves to live in isolation as a prisoner inside the four walls of a phone screen. When you meet people, you talk to them about the issues you are facing. This helps your mind feel a lot lighter.

• Tip 7 - Self-compassion

Find things that make you feel self-compassion. Do things that make you feel love for yourself. It is a positive reinforcement technique.

• Tip 8 - Quality vs. Quantity Planner

Divide your life into four parts:

1. Work / Study

2. Leisure (Doing nothing time: Netflix etc.)

3. Time for Yourself (Hobbies, Exercise)

4. Things you HAVE TO DO (Things that you make you alive)

Recognize which parts of your life provide quality to you and which do not.

• Tip 8- Do physical exercise.

Putting it all together!

Nothing is worth the cost of your mental or physical health. If anything is comprising them, then rethink your choices. Remember that you can only give your 100%, and sometimes that might not be enough. But it would be best if you learned to let go and keep on doing the work you enjoy. You push yourself to such an extent with your expectations that you stop enjoying the work.

Remember you started to work on this because you enjoy it.

The crux is, hustle is not for everybody. It would be best if you straightened your priorities in life before jumping on the hustle wagon. I didn't, and I paid for it with loss in both mental and physical health.

Thank you for reading. I hope my experience added some value. Is there anything similar that you have encountered?