The Way Ahead

To move forward one has to look at their past. How many times have you heard something like that? I bet I’ve watched or read something along those lines about 5 or 10 different times if I really think about it. But, if an idea is present in so many different forms of media then there must be a thread of truth in there, right?

To me, there is. After all, lessons are learned from the past. This extended quarantine gave me, like everyone else, an abundance of time. A New Year’s resolution was never a thought that crossed my mind until I realized that I need to learn how to live in this new normal. Most importantly, I realized I need to learn how to continue to live with myself. Depression has long been my unwilling companion. My present self is an accumulation of habits and ways I learned how to deal with it before I even knew what it was. Look at any list for symptoms of depression and you’ll usually find self-isolation on there. Self-isolation was my best friend for a long time. For a long, long time that was what I thought helped me. Kept me safe, maybe. Now I know that’s not the truth I want to live with.

So, I look back to what I know helped me. What I know really protected me. Kept me safe. Loved me. And the words themselves sound so cheesy, but isn’t it true that most things that appeal to the soul are in fact cheesy? My savior was my support system. More specifically, my family. My mom was there for me during a lot of my depressive episodes, and I knew I always had the love of my family behind me no matter how far from me they were. During the dark times my family brought the light to me. As I look back now as a kind observer I can admit I repeatedly made it out because of that support. Depression, though, is a disease and like any good friend, she loves to visit and tell you how she thinks things really are.

The call to self-isolation continued to ring. This kept me from becoming close to my family. Three years ago, my mom passed away from cancer. It changed my life. It seems really silly and strange, but there’s still some really close family members I haven’t spoken to since then. And I can’t give a real reason as to why. But I’ve lived three years with this avoidance and I’m tired. I’m tired of running away and I’m tired of being scared. One of the great things about living is learning how you can live better.

My resolution is not just for the new year but for a better me; a me that can live with my cloud of disease.Two simple words yet my chest feels like a dam about to burst. Reach out. The human experience is connection. Emotional connection will give me the support I sometimes so desperately need. Support that will allow me to come back time and time again; the support that will keep me a relentless force in my own life. Even though life has felt stagnant this past year the world continues to turn, the waves crash against the shore, and nature continues her own life I know my time is now. Now is my time to grow. I’m ready to shed these blankets of loneliness and laugh with my family. I want to cry with them, grieve, go through every emotion that makes us human. I know it’s a good because my fear is overshadowed. I know I will be okay.