The Subtle Art Of Saying No

Written By: H M Hines February 4, 2021

Most people, especially people who are part of a marginalized community, have a hard time saying no to others. This is especially so in situations of employment, but also extends to how we use our time outside of work. Whether the question is “Can you pick up an extra shift?” or “Can you chaperone the field trip?” we are stymied and often overcommit ourselves just for fear of confrontation. Sadly, this social conditioning is easily taken advantage of by authority figures, partners, parents, friends, etc. Society definitely gives “certain people” (we know who, let's be honest,) permission to take, while reinforcing that other people are to be taken from.

There are lots of reasons saying no makes people feel uncomfortable. Sometimes saying no is a risk that someone might be hurt, but in many circumstances, there are real world threats that come with saying no. People can lose their chances at promotion, jobs, their kids’ placement on a sports team, or the favor of someone they are romantically involved with. The struggle is real!

There is an art to saying no, and it is a practiced art. It is like drawing or painting or pottery. It's easier to do the more often it's done, and the more often it's done, the better it lands. “No” works best when it's said with confidence and centered assuredness. Not to be too “woo”, but you might imagine the no coming from the chest or core of the body. It invites no rebuke. It is non-negotiable. See? You're amazing.

For people who feel their free time frittered away doing things for other people, or find that saying yes to doing a favor just leads to more favors, it's not just important to learn to say no to things like extra work, errands, etcetera, but just for the practice of saying no. Saying no just because you don't want to do something is possible and even healthy. Yes I'm advocating saying no just because you can. Don't cringe, I promise, it gets easier.

Here are some examples of when it's a good time to flex the “No.” Practice these and soon you will be totally jacked with bulging “no” muscles. I believe in you!

● Say “No” any time anyone confuses your free time with your availability. Just because you don't have something on the schedule doesn't mean it's a void to be filled. When you hear the words, “Since you're not doing anything else....” get ready to throw down a No. Unless they're offering something you really want to do, don't set a precedent that your personal time is to be claimed, first come first served. Do as many reps as is needed until it is effortless. Stay hydrated. Repeat after me:

“Im busy doing nothing”

“Nah, I’m good,”

*leaves on read*

● Last minute changes to your scheduled days off work are unacceptable. Employers love to work the “be a team player” angle to guilt you into coming on short notice. Don't even answer the phone on your day off! Let that fish go to voicemail! The next workday tells them you were hiking out of range or that you lost your charging cord and your battery died, I don't care. Unless you're a brain surgeon, you're probably not needed. The boss chose to under-staff to cut costs, it's not your problem that one employee's sick day makes the whole show go off the rails. Let the boss step in and take up the slack. Say yes and you’ll be the first person they call next time. Examples are as follows:

“ You've reached the voicemail of (Your name). I'm unavailable to take your call. Please leave a brief message and I will return your call at my earliest convenience.”

*endless ringing*

*out of office reply*

You get the idea!

● Sometimes people ask you to do things for them that will cost you money, without offering to help with those costs. Say no! Doing someone a favor shouldn't cost you money as well as time. If it's gas money, or supplies for baking cupcakes, if you can't afford it or don't want to spend the money, say no! Don't let being embarrassed to talk about money make a window for someone to exploit you. That whole idea is bunk, talking about money is a real adult thing to do. It's not impolite, it's not gauche, it's not tacky. As long as capitalism dictates our lives, we are going to talk about money like grownups. Try:

“Out of my budget, sorry.”

“Oh, no thanks, I need my money for food and stuff,”

“No can do, gotta send my cat to college. You know how it is.”

See, it’s getting easier already!

● If one particular person always goes to you first, they will always come to you first. Don't be a sucker! Unless you like spending your nights after work making goodie bags for the class party, say no.

● On a date with someone new? Find out what happens if you say no to them. If they say pasta, you say tacos. If they say dancing you say museum. See what happens when you say no to them. How well they handle a simple no is a great way to assess their character. If someone doesn't ask for your input on where to eat dinner, what else are they going to just assume you'll go along with? If they can't handle a small disappointment, what kind of person will they be six months into a relationship.

● If you just don't want to do it, say no. You don't have to help your friend's auntie move, or house sit your coworkers dog, or go to your inlaws for dinner, or any number of things. You can totally say no! A good friend would feel bad if they knew you were doing something for them that they didn't really want to do. And anyone who wouldn't care that you were miserable while doing them a favor isn't someone who deserves your favors.

So say no. Say it often, with confidence, with pleasure even. Every time it gets easier. Soon, people won't ask you first when something boring or annoying needs to be done. You won't find every day off cram packed with obligations instead of rest and relaxation. You might feel guilty at first, but after a while the relief you get from not going to a baby shower or hanging up on telemarketers will make you feel so much better.