The Struggles of The Saturn Return

I always knew that turning 30 would be a watershed moment - a moment when the heady (and frankly exhausting) days of my 20s would give way to the next, unknown chapter of my life - but boy, I did not anticipate the emotional flood it would bring.

Growing up, 30 just seemed so...settled. An age where you're knee-deep in adulthood, and have relaxed into all its ups and downs. I would look at thirty year-olds and think that they had life all figured out, and I couldn't wait until that was me.

Fast forward to the present day, and my life is far from figured out. Add in the chaos of a worldwide pandemic, and here I am, thirty and reassessing every single aspect of my existence. And I thought my 20s were exhausting...

For anyone who is interested in astrology, thirty is a crucial age. It's the year of your Saturn Return, when Saturn returns to its original placement on your birth chart, and it is a period in your life where The Universe will force you to confront and consider the path you are on, and the path you choose going forward.

I turned 30 in February, and at first all I felt was excitement. Excitement for a new decade. Excitement for what lay ahead. Excitement that I was wading into the big adult pool of life. It's only taken 6 months for that pool to become an ocean in which I feel I can't stay afloat. Perhaps it's because rather than concentrating on swimming, I'm too busy looking at everyone around me in their fancy boats, getting further ahead than me.

I've always had a problem with comparing myself to others. It feeds into my competitive, perfectionist nature, which makes me see life as a game whose rules I need to follow to the letter, and that I must, at all costs, win. So, as my excitement at this new decade of life turned into anxiety, I increasingly looked at those around me, and found myself lacking. They all had flourishing careers. They were all getting married. They all probably had savings accounts that weren't ravaged my their own hand by the end of the month. What was I doing with MY life?

And so the introspection began. Just as my thoughts were becoming unbeatable waves that were dragging me under, I knew that the only thing I could do to calm the flood was silence the outside noise and go within. I've been meditating for over 10 years, so I started there. Taking the time to just breathe. To just be. I realised I was so busy looking outside myself that I would never find the answer to my life dilemmas, because I simply wasn't listening to myself.

So I deleted my social media. My scrolling had become a harmful reflex where I would punish myself by comparing my life to everyone else's highlight reels, multiple times a day. Rather than taking productive action towards a new career path, or improving my self-esteem, I was spending hours mentally beating myself up with Instagram images, Facebook posts, and tweets. It had to stop.

The relief was immediate, but I knew that there was more work to be done. With more meditation and self-reflection came the urge to rid myself of everything no longer serving me. Nothing was safe - clothes, computer files, phone contacts - it all needed to be purged. I was ruthless. And the relief continued.

Once the external landscape had begun to thin, I moved internally, and realised that whilst being ruthless with possessions was working in my favour, being ruthless with myself was not. I was not giving myself any grace. The minute I had started to feel down and lost in life, I had made myself spiral by feeding myself thoughts about not being good enough, having no talents, and about being so far behind in the race of life that I couldn't even see anyone else around me. I was perpetuating my own doom and gloom.

I began to realise that turning 30 was not only forcing me to reconsider all aspects of my life, but it was also making me reconsider how I saw, and spoke to, myself. I took a step back and realised that for too long I had been too hard on myself, expecting perfection when it doesn't really exist. Making myself more of a victim by telling myself how useless I was. Stunting my progress by paralysing myself with thoughts of inadequacy. It had to stop.

Of course, changing patterns of behaviour that have been ingrained over decades takes time, and a whole lot of effort. I am still very much in the midst of reorganising my life, my self-talk, and my direction, but it's happening slowly.

I wanted to write this for anyone who feels in a similar position, and feels as overwhelmed by the waves of life, just as I have done. When you feel lost, and all at sea, just know that there are others just like you, struggling to stay afloat. Rather than panic, like I most certainly did, and sink further beneath the surface, perhaps what is needed is a reframing of the situation. After all, when you're lost, you're also given the freedom of being able to choose a new path in life. When you think you're losing the race in life, perhaps it's time to realise that it's a marathon, and that everyone achieves their goals at different times. Most importantly of all, when you feel like you've got nothing going for yourself, perhaps it's time to start becoming your own best friend.

You've got this.