The Story of Dennis

This is Dennis. He is a koala furry persona. Let me tell you his story.

Not to be immodest, but from a young age, creativity has come naturally to me. Every day my mind is full with ideas for stories, sketches, characters, games, - never seeming to stop. As a child, a bit of a loner, my hobbies were all the creative kind – I’d write about different worlds, their legends and characters. I branched into sketching, and then, physical costume design, all of it connecting to worlds of my own. The one thing I couldn’t connect to was other people until I found a like minded group of other creatives. Others, who, like me, are inspired to create in other more diverse artistic areas, but I still couldn’t find an emotional balance or excel in the places that mattered.

As with most creative souls, growing up wasn’t easy. I wasn’t without friends, but my closest weren’t people, but the creatures and characters, mostly of my own invention. I built intricate models, wrote detailed stories, and drew fascinating pictures, but I fell short on the simple interactions, the mundane pastimes. It continued throughout adolescence, spending time alone, sometimes being the victim of bullying. I was bright, but always afraid to be seen as outperforming my peers, or to give the answer, because getting it right (or wrong) meant derision from my classmates for daring to show knowledge. Thankfully, my creative pastimes helped me through, allowing me an outlet to express my imagination, and helping to find the truest of friends amongst those who saw only delight in my upset.

Even then, my small circle of friends grew more pronounced, I could tell they tread on egg shells around me, I wasn’t the go-to person for days out, I wasn’t considered for fun excursions, and even when they loved my input into academia or creative pursuits, I never felt like I was truly part of the group, or that they understood me. On leaving school, I found it difficult to find or hold down a job – I could be outspoken, unbridled, undisciplined. Work wasn’t easy for me, because it offered no place for someone with my imagination and there were usually strict protocols to be followed without challenge.

It was during this time I took to really fleshing out my characters, diverse and intricate, they lead incredible lives and challenge themselves, whilst I was all too often fearful of my own life’s battles. Giovanni Magnus, a lycanthrope from an elusive culture, born and trained to fight against the horrors the world couldn’t see, but would fall victim to. He was driven by his immense compassion for others, a sense of duty. Giovanni possessed a power that allowed him to sense the fear of others very keenly, and from their pain he would draw strength and might. Although I created him, I envied his ability to work under duress and be able to act against perpetrators who caused pain for the weak and vulnerable. He embodied my sense of justice and compassion, but took it to extremes where he would endanger his life, appearing from the shadows for combat when there was no other way, when fear ruled the world he would step up.

Then there’s Gideon Klaus, a character of unrivalled intellect, brutal cunning, and unyielding determination, of an original species known as the Otorlanyss. Gideon came into being when I felt the world needed a little discipline, or rather a different sort of villain to show those who think themselves infallible how it’s really done. Gideon was someone for whom the greatest obstacle in any kind of endeavour was only your own inhibitions. Science was his passion, knowledge was what he hungered for, and no one stood in his way. Gideon was my creativity, ambition and ego, given form. A creation that does indulge the devil on your shoulder occasionally. Sometimes people need a little schooling - don’t they, in small doses (but potentially toxic in surplus)? Gideon was for when the world needed a bit more imagination, when people become too complacent and uninspired. He’s that bit of chaos and order to rebuild the world back stronger.

For a few years I found sanctuary amongst higher education, studying for a degree in forensic science, I found like-minded individuals again. Outside of my studies I found the Furry Fandom, a community that understood me more than anyone else ever had, and I found sanctuary amongst them. This led me to make my first proper costume of Giovanni, who came with me for my first convention. It was there that I found a potential small business; drawing character portraits for the other attendees within it. But, that little demon in my head, hiding amongst the shadows, nagging of “how dare you try and excel?” kept rearing its ugly head. Almost putting me out of my education in my final year when I needed my creativity and drive more than ever. I fought it off, only for it to take more forms that served to beat me down – the words of envious co-workers, the lack of communication with my colleagues, that feeling of not fitting in, and that I was being wasted.

The world took, in my opinion, a harsh turn, and that’s when I made Gideon as a costume, to give another little voice in my head, the one that didn’t take nonsense from anyone a chance to speak. He told me to stand my ground, to maybe indulge that little bit of selfish in me, I had ambition and I wasn’t prepared to let someone or something try and poison it. For a while, it worked, I embodied a better version of myself, but as with all intoxicating feelings, it started to come to a head when I drove away people, upset friends, and then that ever prevailing notion came back, the one that says that something isn’t right, made a return louder than before.

It was a profound malcontent I was going through, and it was impacting my abilities. I was referred for an assessment and diagnosed with being on the Autistic Spectrum, something I had long feared would come and confirm what I dreaded to acknowledge. Whilst our society, for the most part, values diversity and is welcoming, there are those in positions of influence or with voice who tend to look for reasons to divide and invalidate. My autism just felt like another arrow in their quiver of hate, and one that pierced harder than before. After my diagnosis, I fell into a depression. Suddenly, I didn't know who I was, and every interaction, every fascination, and every decision, was now questioned. It was a tough time immediately after, as I grew distant from family members; some who were leaving for new horizons of their own and would be gone for who knows how long, and others where we both said some things we didn’t mean whilst we were at wit’s end.

Being diagnosed as a child is one thing, you’re still finding yourself and, at least having something cemented about you, can work with it. As an adult, you supposedly have a handle on things, you’re supposed to have a grip. What happens when you suddenly have it all shaken out from under you? You’re suddenly in a place where you cannot always be certain of who you were any more. It’s not so much the autism that got me down, but now I was in a position of why no one saw it before, why was it never discovered before, why was I never given help before, would I even get help now, would I suddenly have the excuse to walk away from tough situations, and if I did, would I start doing it more often, even if I knew it wouldn’t help? Who was I?

What didn't help was when the pandemic started. Suddenly, I was alone. My friends all had their own lives to live and families to keep safe, and I tried to surround myself in my work, hoping that by keeping myself busy I could rebuild myself. But even then, the passion for what I used to do was not there as much. I was quicker to anger, quicker to cry, and I was falling apart. I used to live for the rare opportunities where I would meet up with friends and share with their passions of character creations, but when social distancing made this too risky, it had to be cancelled.

Already in a rough place, not knowing what I was doing, where I was going, and suddenly I was now in a state where I didn't even know who I used to be. In times where I had often been sad, I turned to my other characters, Giovanni, and Gideon. But now I couldn't relate to them anymore; I had created them long before my diagnosis and I didn't feel like the same person. These two characters who were once so close to me were now alien. Giovanni, a powerful warrior from a world who drew his power from fear, but I was the one so afraid? Gideon, a cunning intellect with ambitions and ideas beyond imagining, but I had no idea about who I was? One day, a breakdown at the one place I felt I had control made me realise that I needed to take stock and once again my creativity stepped in to help rescue me.

That's when I met Dennis. He is a koala.

He is short, squat, and sleepy, like me. He likes nerdy T shirts and likes to enjoy music and snacks, like me. He is overweight, has rosacea, and hair that just doesn’t do as it’s told, like me. With Dennis, I began to pour into him the aspects of me that I love and accept about myself, the parts I knew were real, the parts of myself I held dear, that even after my diagnosis were unshakeable.

I drew art of him, wrote stories with him, and poured myself into him. And then came the next part - to make a costume of him. He was more than just another fur suit. He is the part of me I thought I had lost, the part that I had thought no longer was.

What made him so special as a project was that he was truly original. Previous fur suits I made from bases and instructions of similar head shapes. Dennis was truly unique, made entirely from improvisation. Scruffy hair, odd coloured fur, and even his rosacea was captured in the suit. I also made a set of paws for him as well, the first set I had made from scratch, and there he was, after cutting, sticking, sewing (and a little swearing). It’s still some time before I can go out and debut him, but knowing he is ready and waiting gives me a sense of completion.

Dennis is nothing special, and that's what makes him more extraordinary. Where Giovanni is a warrior, Dennis helped me fight and win a whole other battle; where Gideon is a genius, Dennis helped me reacquaint myself with a kind of thinking I thought I wouldn't have again. Koalas are simple creatures, and with Dennis it’s where I fell in love with the simplest aspects of myself, those simple, honest grounded parts of me. Koalas are not the brightest animals that evolution has produced, in fact they’re very dense. However, there is something about them as a species that despite being at odds with what we associate with prevailing species, they’re resilient little survivors. And that’s what I am going to be in my battles against my personal demons.

Dennis is all the facets of myself I love and wanted to find again, as are the parts of myself I hope I can one day come forward and confess I have. And for that, he was the project that gave me the greatest joy, the love for myself that I thought I lost. I hope one day that we will be able to move on from this situation, and he will be able to see the world, so that he can bring joy to others like he did for me.