The stories we tell ourselves and the damage they may cause to our relationship

Ever been on a first date, or just around people and when everything seems to be going pretty well and you’re being your social self, but then the negative self-talk begins and your newly developed confidence is nowhere to be seen?

I think plenty of people feel that not just on a daily basis, but in every single situation during the day. That makes socializing unbearable.

Even when you’re in a good mood, have found the courage to meet a new person or open up more to someone you care about and are now excited to show them even more of what you have to offer. It’s all good before the actual meeting. But when you’re there and social anxiety hits, when the doubts start entering your mind, when the constant nervousness for no apparent reason is present, you simply cannot be your best. Not speaking about appearing funny and relaxed!

These block your easygoingness that the other person said they find so interesting. They block the good memories you were about to share, the questions you were planning to ask to learn more about that other person.

When it’s you and that person on a date, the rest of the world doesn’t exist anymore. At least in theory… When you bring your negative self-talk with you, and you start questioning yourself and your actions, that person isn’t a priority either. It’s about you, and your EGO, afraid to be hurt. The person you are interacting with is likely lose interest or even dump you, when instead of being with them you are stuck in your head.

Whatever the sources of your anxieties are, once the over analysing is there, Instead of genuinely enjoying time with them, your brain sends you unnecessary questions… ‘Do I look attractive? I bet she was dating many hot guys! Does she like what I am saying or maybe there are some other best topics to talk about with a girl, How to make her orgasm fast, so she remembers me?’

Because then you start telling yourself stories, which we all do all the time, but in this case, it’s the wrong type of stories. About not being good enough. About not seeing meaning in this. About the big picture and the chance of failure.

The tricky thing about such self-talk is that it can show up later when a relationship has already started. That’s when you struggle with intimacy, you don’t feel comfortable with yourself, you can’t seem to share anything deeper and thus never form a stronger connection. But you are a human being that craves exactly that. It’s not about the ‘having’ of a boyfriend, or to escape the single life, or to feel appreciated or get attention.

It’s all about that amazing ability of two people to connect on a level no one else can understand. When it’s with the right person, this is beautiful. However, the one obstacle is the negative assumptions you have in your head.

The way I got over this, after feeling like a failure and totally confused after yet another meeting with a great person, was by looking at it from another perspective. It does take a reality check here, and - sadly - no one else’s opinion but yours will help.

It’s a battle you have with yourself and it’s all happening in your head. I sat down one day and had the most honest conversation with myself I’ve ever had. I wrote it all down.

I preferred typing, but the point is to allow the act of writing things and getting them out of your head to also help you internalize these ideas and thoughts.

It all started with sharing the facts. I described these moments when social anxiety was obvious and how exactly it stopped me from having a good time and taking things with that person to the next level. Then I tried to find out what caused it, when it appeared exactly, and how I reacted to it. After some thinking, I realized I didn’t try to stop it with positive thoughts or even to quiet the voices. Instead, I believed them, I listened to them, I took my attention away from the person I was dating and power was wrong.

But then I started digging deeper. Writing really is a therapeutic experience and can help you get to know yourself more. I went back to the past, my teenage years and childhood. I wrote about the traumas, the ones related somehow to my self-esteem. It was uncomfortable but also liberating as I’ve never even tried to describe or analyze these before. But there they were. In my head, affecting my present and the person I try to be.

The last thing I did after this exercise was to write my own story, the way I want it to be. That’s the one where I’m my most positive and confident self, living this same life but feeling great about myself, being social and giving myself some credit. It sounded so good that I really wanted things to be this way.

But, of course, the negative self-talk is a mental pattern, looking for cues to come back. Whenever you meet with a person again, the voices that tell you you’re not worthy are there again. So what helped me with this was to read out loud that story and eventually start telling it to myself. I turned it into a habit, much like mindfulness or manifestation of whatever you want. The more I was feeding my mind with it, the stronger I felt, and the more I wanted to socialize to challenge myself and completely remove the negative self-talk.

While there are still some signs of it, I can say that it’s not part of my life anymore. We choose the stories we tell ourselves. See what yours is and turn it around if you want to change something about your life.