The Shift From Lack to Abundance

I am writing this from a current physical reality of more lack than I desire, more lack than I know is truly meant for me.

I am writing this from a place of having only $1124 in one account, $33 in another, $9 cash in my wallet, and a $10 winning scratch off in my purse. Out of that, there is a $1000 check written and sent, 3 credit card bills due over the next week, a cell phone bill due, and a few entertainment and subscription bills due. That leaves me with roughly $-77 dollars. That is in the RED. In the negative. And not counting anything else I need or want to feel alive and well in the present moment, like food, treats for my dog, a bottle of wine, etc.

This is not counting the flight I intend to take in 6 weeks to spend more time than I want to do what I need to in New Jersey. The trip to Puerto Rico I am taking in 2 months to play Maid of Honor in my best friend’s wedding. This is not counting the life lived between all of that, the unprecedented expenses that pop up, and the material possessions needed to make all of that a bit more comfortable. You see, when I really sit with the weight of all that it feels like I should stop breathing. Like if I stop breathing I will stop needing, and if I stop needing long enough a break in the waves will come and the light will shine upon me. And something, someone, somewhere will come and breathe life (or millions of dollars) back into me before I’m dead.

I don’t know. I’ve been here before many times. Even when in this spot I have dreamed big dreams, hoped for the best, and prayed for more. The lower in the pits I’ve fallen, the grander and more luxurious my desires breed. My belief has wavered and it has shown. My fear has crept larger than life and left me face-down-ass-up more times than I can count.

However, this time feels different.

I can’t really explain it because it doesn’t make any sense.

Each time I have fallen, I’ve gotten up. Even if it meant I was crawling for a bit, I kept moving. I kept breathing even when it felt too heavy and too risky to do so.

And each time I got up, I chipped away at all the barriers I built up that block my blessings. Each time I got up, I processed and transmuted more of my trauma. Each time I got up, I shaved away beliefs, ideas, and things in my life that did not align with my true soul’s nature. Each time I got up, I got a little closer, a little more real, and a lot more committed and faithful to my SELF.

Maybe this time, it will be enough. As a matter of fact, I demand it so and so it is. A break in the waves long enough to float freely as the light pours into me until it flows back out of me, brighter and stronger than ever. Tangible experiences of the unconditional love and support promised by the Universe, God, Source, All That Is.

This time, I vow to no longer struggle in vain and to no longer play a martyr in my own life's story. I have nothing to prove and nobody to prove it to. I don't owe anybody anything. The only way to love anything or anybody else is to love myself deeply, so to that I am committed. To my own self care, development, and joy, from this day forward, I am my number one.

As my soul integrates, and the channels clear, life's true abundant nature may reach me without interruption.

So be it.