The Secret to Success

Going away to college was one of the strangest times of my life. That first night in my dorm I realized that when I woke up the next morning I wouldn’t have to say, “Good morning!” to my parents. I wouldn’t have to pretend to be interested in my sister, or her life. My roommate hadn’t even arrived yet, so I would be all alone the next morning. I had hit the jackpot.

By Spring, I couldn’t muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

I went to a psychiatrist, he gave me some pills, I felt much better, and finished my freshman year of college. When I went home for the summer, I stopped taking the medicine. My mother had filled my head up with horrifying stories of how people would discriminate against me if they knew I had psychological problems, so I hid my psychological problems from everybody.

Around June, a friend from high school called me up about this great business opportunity with this guy he’d been interning with for the past year. His boss told my friend to call up people he knew that were really smart, and I was one of the first people he thought of. I should never have picked up the phone.

To make a long story much shorter than it deserves, I became victim to a business that profits from empty people. People who lack true friendship and support in their lives, so they turn to this fantasy world the business provides. To be clear, I have nothing against my friend or the company I became involved with. The idea is actually genius. I stay awake at night trying to figure out this fantasy world that spans a broader market than selling consumer products through a network.

Self-help. Positive thinking. Mentality training. It has many names.

The idea is simple: people have problems, but we don’t need to have those problems, AND you can fix your problems by following these steps. This little idea drives a multi-billion-dollar industry that spans borders and cultures, because it targets the human spirit. It’s a lie that sells hope to people.

Or, that’s what they want you to believe.

While I was in the business my friend introduced me to, I read dozens of self-help books, and listened to hours of podcasts. After I realized the secret of the lie, I doubled my intake of self-help media. You see, I am convinced that there IS a secret to success and happiness. There is some kind of formula that will improve your life, and make all of your dreams come true. You CAN become a millionaire by painting. You CAN win the lottery. You CAN retire from selling overpriced shampoo to your relatives. You CAN become a celebrity by filming yourself on YouTube. You CAN attract major record labels by posting your music on SoundCloud. You can live your dream.

I know this part will be edited or censored and that they’ll never let me speak the truth, but I’m going to write it down anyways. The formula for success spans every field you could ever want to pursue. Here are the basics:

• Start right now
• Use your current resources instead of buying new ones
• Be patient and keep working at it

You’re probably thinking, “All of that is just the same gibberish in every other inspirational book I already read!” You’re right; it is the same gibberish. Those inspirational and motivational books work, because they give you glimpses of the actual formula. They work because they don’t share any details about what to actually do; they only tell you what needs to happen instead of telling you how to make it happen.

Let’s say you’re an actor.

“Start right now.”

Okay, doing what? Taking classes? Auditioning? Doing smaller productions? They rarely actually tell you, and on the off chance they do, different people will tell you contradictory methods. One may tell you to start by getting an agent, while the next will tell you getting an agent is a waste of time. Trying to analyze the data from success cases is tedious, and overall invalid since there are tons of unknowable variables causing events to transpire that the data can’t account for. The formula doesn’t work like that.

You need extensive research into the specific field you want to succeed within, in order to figure how to fulfill each requirement. How do you do that? Google it. Ask your friends if they know somebody who knows somebody. Look for the more consistent patterns from the origins of people that are currently successful in the field you’re pursuing. Only pay attention to patterns in their knowledge, skills, location, and social network. Finding out that Stephen King became famous when his wife convinced him to publish a short story in a newspaper isn’t helpful for becoming a successful author, because it gives zero insight into why he finally found success after failing so many times before.

For example, if you want to make a web comic, around 90 percent of successful web comics are posted on Tumblr. If I want my comic to be successful, then I should post it on Tumblr. Simple.

“Use your current resources instead of buying new ones.”

Thanks to the internet, you can learn the basics of how to do just about anything. I take a class at my college that is supposed to teach me how to use Excel, but I learn how to do the homework by looking up formulas and guides on Google. You can learn how to do any kind of artistic pursuit online now, for free.

The self-help books will tell you to go buy and read between 3 and 20+ other self-help books that all say the same junk as the book you’re currently reading! Why? They have to be making a deal with each other, because there’s no way wasting your time reading all of the same motivational crap over and over again is helping you make measurable steps to reaching your goal.

You use your current resources because it’s not the tools that draw success; it’s success that brings better tools. Go watch the first video of long-running popular YouTube channels. They’re horrible. They have poor sound quality, poor visuals, and they aren’t much fun to watch. Those channels didn’t grow because the people went out and read more books or bought better equipment. The channels grew because the people made their content better first.

“Be patient and keep working at it."

This is another freaking ploy to get you to buy more books, and waste more of your time. If a project isn’t working, AND it doesn’t cost you anything to keep it going, AND you’re having fun, then there’s no reason not to keep trying with it. I’m currently writing a web comic that cracks me up, and pretty much nobody else. It doesn’t cost me anything to draw or publish, and I find the activity enjoyable, so I keep doing it every week.

If a project is dragging along, and you’ve sunk a lot of your assets into it, and your friends and family aren’t even excited for you, then just give up and try something else. The self-help books will tell you that when you feel at your lowest you need to read even more books to keep yourself motivated to CONTINUE WORKING ON A FAILING PROJECT.

Notice that these books never specify reasonable periods of time for working in any specific field, even though everybody knows projects need deadlines. Instead, they tell you to keep trying with your career as a juggling comedian. Keep trying to make a living cutting grass. And don’t worry if things don’t look good, here’s an uplifting sample of a story from this other book you should read to release dopamine in your brain, so you temporarily forget how crappy your life is; like a drug addict.

Set a reasonable deadline for your dreams. Don’t expect to make millions on your first book (most don’t sell more than 1500 copies), but write, publish, and advertise that book to the best of your ability anyways. Don’t think you can walk on a stage, and be noticed by a Hollywood agent, but walk on the stage anyways, AND THEN GO FIND AN AGENT! If you hit the deadline before you’re successful, give up and move on.

But now for the big one that no self-help book will ever admit to. I’ve only seen one successful person ever say this fact out loud, and he was quickly silenced. The ultimate secret. You’ve checked every box on the formula, and you’re ready for the last piece of the puzzle. You started immediately by making a reasonable plan of action with a set deadline to achieve your goals, and then spent time and energy, but not an unreasonable amount of money, to put yourself on the path to success and happiness, and now you need that last bit of information to actually reach the final destination. Here it is. Ready?

Luck

I’m not being cynical. I’ve studied over 100 cases, and the one factor that always completes, and/or begins, the person’s journey to success is Luck. It’s the only link. At some point on the road to success and happiness, you need to be lucky. You need something good to happen that’s completely out of your control. The rest of the formula puts you in the best position to succeed, but you need luck to become successful.

Pewdiepie is funny, and he put the work and time and money in to make and post entertaining gameplay videos on YouTube (the formula). YouTube’s algorithm put gameplay videos on the home page (luck). Random people clicked on Pewdiepie’s videos without knowing who he was for some unknown reason (luck). Pewdiepie became successful.

The next time you feel discouraged that your plan didn’t work even though you followed all the steps, don’t worry about it. Don’t read another stupid self-help book that preaches how everybody can be successful if they want it bad enough, and read more stupid books so you don’t end up in the ether of mediocrity like the authors want you to do. Either give up on that plan, and try a new plan, or stay stubborn and keep working with the current plan. Either way, I hope you get lucky.

Earlier I said, “you can live your dream,” which is true. What I didn’t say is this:

Just not every one of You.