The Road

Growing up, I was always one to follow rules. I was taught that if I were to go against what an adult or "superior" told me, I was in the wrong. I morphed into this person that I thought others wanted to see. I have infinite love for my family, as I am so close to them. Which is why I thought what they said was true. I thought that by choosing my actions carefully based on another person's perception of me was critical to succeeding. While doing this I would also never open up and express my true thoughts and feelings. Just the idea of not conforming to what my parents, school, managers, boyfriends, or friends "expected" of me caused anxiety and panic. This person that I was never found healthy relationships of any kind because I was never truly me. I was afraid to show my true face for rejection from the world. I was afraid to tell others how I felt because I feared I would hurt them.

I was afraid to be vulnerable.

However this is what my normal was. I never understood or thought that I was living a lie. I didn't really notice this until my younger siblings started to conform against "rules." At the time I couldn't believe the things they would do. Talking back to my parents, skipping class, sneaking out. I felt afraid for them. My mind couldn't understand.

It wasn't until I attended university, and became apart of a second family as a resident advisor that I started to learn more about myself. This job helped me realize that it is okay to express yourself, try new things, and make mistakes.

After opening up to who I was, I found that I made more friends. I found friends that have the same interests as I do, and boost my confidence rather than tear me down. I found an amazing boyfriend who was my first real love. I thought that I was doing everything right for once in my life. I, was happy.

But it didn't last.

Life through a huge bump in my road. I ended up getting really sick. I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis, which is an autoimmune disease I contracted in my lungs. This was incredibly painful, and made life a little more difficult. Some days it was hard to move without immense pain in my chest. Sometimes the pain was so intense I thought I was about to have a heart attack. I felt useless. I felt like no one ever believed how much pain I was in, like I was making it all up. I hated my body, and I hated who I was.

On top of it all, my family decided to move across the country. I wanted to be the bigger person and tell them it was okay. I truly wanted them to be happy and move on to better things.

But I didn't want them to go.

They were sensitive to how I would feel. They asked me to come with them. But how could I leave a life where everything was just starting to go right? And so they left. I thought I would be okay. I had my boyfriend, a couple of friends, and my dog. I knew that I could always call or text my family.

But it wasn't enough.

I was sick, and scared, and felt incredibly alone.

But its my own fault, right?

My boyfriend at the time was terrible and not supportive with my illness or my family leaving. I could never talk to my family as much as I could. I was in pain physically, and emotionally. It got to the point where I felt so lonely, inconvenient, and lost that I wanted it to all be over.

I wanted to slip away.

I needed some sort of direction in my life. I needed to feel alive and like I had purpose.

When the school year started again, I decided to share my story with other close friends. And they accepted me for it. They built me back up.

I put as much effort into my school work as I could because I enjoyed it, and I did well. I felt passionate. I ended up making it onto the Dean's honour roll. I now can say that I have incredible friends that I will never let go of. I am single, and okay with being single. With not having a boyfriend I have learned more about myself, and how to care about myself more then others (which is a huge struggle for me).

I still miss my family. However I am in a healthy place. I pursued the goals I made for myself in getting back on my feet.

1. It's okay to not be okay.
2. It's okay to be vulnerable with people.
3. Make new friends.
4. Love yourself.
5. Do what you love and rock it.
6. Follow your heart.
7. Try things that scare you.
8. It's okay to not always follow the rules.

With creating a strong friend group, and a strong sense of being okay with myself, helped me get through some of the toughest times so far in my life. I have come to learn that when life throws unexpected bumps in your road, they are ultimately to help you grow as a person. If I never had these experiences, I wouldn't have met my friends, gotten out of a bad relationship, or have the courage to believe in who I am.

I hope that those who are struggling with any kind of bumps in their road come to find the best outcomes possible.

Thank you for reading my story.

Courtney ♡