The Quiet Ones Are The Worst

I am the quiet one, and I am the worst! Beware all of you loud people, as us quiet people are most definitely staying silent because we are rude/secretly judging/hate you. In fact, we’re so despicable, it would probably be a much better use of your time to completely ignore this article! Don’t let us drain your delicate sensibilities, we’re not worth your time. Just leave us alone, that will show us, that’s exactly what we deserve.

As a user on New Buddhist so artfully describes:

"Oh," people say, "she's so quiet -- he's so calm --" and "he never speaks except when he's really got something to say." Everyone praises the silent ones for their reserve. Rarely does anyone consider that these people might have nothing to say, that their serene inscrutability might not conceal deep thinking, but rather mere emptiness.

Okay, now that the loud people have stopped reading, isn’t it such a drain as a quiet person to be passed over for every little thing?

“Speak up then, idiot!” I hear the loud people scream.

Oh heck, we haven’t lost them. The quote from New Buddhist must have just strengthened their resolve, spurred them on. Abort! ABORT!

All jokes aside (#loudpeoplemattertoo), I grew up being labelled as the quiet one. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I’ve grown up with Social Anxiety, the other reason is that I’m just a little Introvert at heart. There is nothing wrong with Introverts or Extroverts. In addition to this, both personality types are not just two different goalposts on opposite ends of a field. Rather, we are all on a sliding, ever-shifting, scale. We all have unique strengths and weaknesses that, if honed correctly, or nurtured in the right environment can make us thrive. Often in a professional space, when put together to work on a project, an Introvert and an Extrovert can make a killer team.

But people don’t always think like this. The unknown scares us, and what is more unknown than a person who isn’t always so freely, or audibly, giving with their thoughts, opinions, and values? I’ve regularly been called names, told I’m making things awkward, been passed over for jobs, projects, or promotions because somebody with half the experience knows how to shout louder or embellish their skills more effectively. I have also been scapegoated for the actions of others on multiple occasions.

It’s easy for the quiet person to be scapegoated or become the subject of bullying because,

1. Silence makes people uncomfortable and causes them to wonder what nefarious intentions are behind what is not being said.

2. They may feel like they don’t really know the quiet person, and we’re more likely to side with those we are familiar with.

3. The quiet person usually doesn’t fight back right away, which often makes them seem an easy target for the type of bullies who can dole out the heat, but can no longer handle it when it is directed back at them.

However, there isn’t really anything scary about Introverted people. Our energy and sense of peace, most times, just flows better when we are alone or able to be introspective. As Melinda Mattes says:

Introverts find solitary tasks energizing, whereas extroverts find social situations energizing. That does not mean that introverts are unable to engage in social situations or that an introvert doesn’t like social situations. Similarly, even extroverts enjoy some solitary activities. (Verde Magazine)

For me, I enjoy spending quality time with the people I care about. Just because I sometimes get overstimulated and feel the need to recharge on my own, doesn’t particularly mean that I desire to spend every waking minute of my life alone. That would be isolation, and we all want to have at least some form of conversation or connection with people in our day-to-day. My social metre simply fills up a bit quicker than an Extrovert’s and I feel that I expend more energy trying to match the energy of those around me.

My mind is always ticking, I’m constantly considering every option, analysing every piece of information. It is exhausting. Although I don’t always read too much into what is being said to me right away, I often find myself focusing too much on words spoken (of myself and others), of tone, minute facial expressions, or body language (side note: this is in part due to my anxiety and is also something a lot of my extroverted friends suffer with too). Sometimes I spend so much time trying to weigh all of this up, however, that I neglect to speak.

This can have a very bad effect in a moment of conflict. For example, I was visited by a begrudged person because I had forgotten to do, let’s call it, a ‘task’. They gave me a good telling off as it were. In the space of a couple of minutes, my mind was flooded with an array of differing thoughts:

“Oh god, I forgot to do that.”

“I haven’t seen them for a while, I thought they’d come to say hello but they’re just here to tell me I’ve done something wrong again, that’s a disappointment.”

“I’m not actually sure it was just me who had forgotten to do this task today. I think I remember a few others doing this same thing after me so it may actually have been them that have caused this particular situation.”

“But I was a part of this too and I should apologise.”

“Actually, nobody has been doing this task. I’ve had to resolve these situations because people have forgotten to do the task more often than not and I’ve never called anyone out for it because I’d thought it would be petty.”

“How do I explain that without sounding like I’m being petty now?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’ve done this, and the best thing is just to apologise and move on.”

These thoughts came thick, fast, almost at the same time and often overlapping, confusing me more than anything and delaying what would seem like a simple decision to make. To the other person, this may have just seemed as if I had forgotten to do said ‘task’ and then was attempting to Stonewall them for good measure. Whereas an Extrovert may fall prey to blurting out something that they hadn’t fully thought through and wish they hadn’t said, it seems that the opposite can have just as much of a bad effect. Before I could open my mouth, this person had left, probably feeling awkward, with a bad taste in their mouth.

[Q]uietness, when it stems from your natural orientation to the world, is a default way of being. It’s your starting position: to listen before speaking. Understand before voicing an opinion. Experience before expressing a response. (Andy Mort)

In recent years there has been growing emphasis within school systems on championing Extroversion through a form of collaborative working. Collaborative learning and working is a fantastic, vital skill to have. However, the focus is on Extroverted learning and so the way lessons are structured are not always compatible for Introverts. I, myself, am nothing if not a well-practised Introvert. I know how to feign Extroversion in relationships and the workplace because I have never been given any other choice. I believe that we are not getting the best we can out of our Introverts when we are always so focused on moulding them into something they are not.

Stephanie Sarkis shares a brilliant strategy in her article on Forbes for getting the best out of the Introverts and Extroverts in a variety of professional settings. She speaks of pairing up an Introvert with an Extrovert for projects – often giving the Introvert the time to be introspective, weigh up options and take calculated risks, with an Extrovert being able to win people over in the presentation with their overt confidence and charisma. She also writes about different ways to get the best out of your Introverted employees. For example, letting them know about a meeting in advance so they have some time to mull over their thoughts. Or perhaps meeting them one-to-one before or after a meeting in an environment where they can more freely share their inner workings. If the Introvert is amongst a crowd of people yelling out their thoughts and rapid-fire ideas all at once, it may overwhelm them or burn them out, making them less likely to be able to contribute meaningfully.

Of course, the above isn’t true for all Introverted folk. Many are able to ‘turn it on’ and are fantastic in high energy meetings. They will most likely just feel drained afterwards.

If you've got a problem that needs to be broken down and solved, you want to go to the introvert. If you need someone to analyze others' behavior, go to the introvert. Focus on the skills the introvert exceeds at… (Sarkis in Forbes)

The point is, we all have strengths and weaknesses, of which can be nurtured and utilised for the greater good. To get the best out of people it is better to get to know them individually, rather than trying to force every personality type to fit into your mould.

We are all so much more than the stereotypes which follow us around suggest. When we look a little deeper, when we learn to see the strengths in both Extroverts and Introverts, we can create something remarkable.