The Purpose

So many times I have written my thoughts down, wrote a song, wrote a poem or just sat in silence. Today I feel like mentally I have taken many steps back. How did this happen? why did this happen? If I told you that this year has actually been my favorite year so far. You know I've never felt like I really fit in this world because, of how kind my heart is and the way I see people is different to the way a person may see me. Love is something we all yearn for really in the end. Do you love yourself? and if not why. Does it matter how much love we receive even if its 5%. Do you love yourself?

Is it because of the energies you've allowed into your world...yes. Is it because you didn't follow that dream....yes. Did you think your soul was so special that the good karma would return to you...or maybe we are still waiting for it....yes. Is it because you never really put your desires first because your a VIRGO! Yes I'm a virgo if that means anything to you. I really struggled to put myself first that I didn't even know I wasn't putting myself first. One day I woke up and I was just unhappy with the world I created for myself. I mean really unhappy. I'm a smart amazing beautiful young women and I feel like I could have done more for myself, career and family. So we don't just wake up unhappy right? Maybe I shoved in under the carpet without realising, maybe I kept myself busy and maybe I'm just good at picking myself up and kept going and going until I was forced to address my actual feelings.

I believe that when a person who has a big heart continues to give, give, give and then later realises. Damn! what about me?! Does that make me selfish?? Maybe I just wanted to feel the love back that I gave so freely. The joke is I will continue to give love because that is who I am and I can't change that about me. I get hurt the most for it.

Let me get back to why this year has been the best year. I have been working on my mindfulness being so amazing and great at giving love, helping others, putting my emotions aside for others, being there for others and just having that good energy. Meant that the minute I got home, shut my door I was alone with my thoughts and had no energy to give back to myself. How could I love everyone else and not love myself. I definitely love myself so why did I feel so worthless? I was battling with two Mimi's. The one that knows herself so much that's why she thinks, she doesnt fit into this world VS The one that picks at the faults; the one that wants one to do better so she is very hard on herself. Everyday I would battle mostly silently. I knew I had to change things when it started to get loud again.

Okay so a few months ago I met someone that straight away seen me for me. Seen my soul; the guys before that ( not many) also seen my soul but left me in the dirt and did nothing to uplift it, which is where my worthlessness was validated. I also had connections with them but some men really don't know what to do with a good woman. I mean I understand but, they really took up most of time, heart and mind. But its my fault I accept what I get right? I only did this because I know I'm good on my own so I just tried to enjoy what I could, I always seen the good in people until it was time for me to let go. I always helped or showed some sort of love to the people that I would come across, even when they didn't deserve it. Purpose maybe? My purpose is to love. If i could go back in time I would tell myself not to wait to let go just go!! My worthlessness was also validated in my last year of school. A while ago now; when I lost all my hair I have no idea why but it was gone. (The first sign of anxiety, which I would later realise in my later 20's) No one really knew about it, only my family and the friends I told years later, when it all grew back. Anyway, I never really met anyone that made me feel like how im supposed to feel and I'm not talking about the lovey dovey stuff because everyone shows love differently. I'm talking about the love you feel by their actions, when they look at you and having mad connection its like our energies matched pretty much straight away. Funny enough I used to ask the universe and pray to God that I would love to find someone that truly loves me for me before I died. I mean I'm getting on now. I'd meet strangers that would be shocked that no one had snacthed me up and this would happen all the time throughout my teens, and 20's. I cant help but think that the progress I made with my mindfulness got rid of the negative states I used to be in maybe it welcomed this good light into my life which I am still currently enjoying. I go to bed so thankful which is a change to last few years. I would say my prayers thank God for my family and friends and to protect them. But I'd always feel alone every time. My energy has shifted which I am grateful for now.

So why did I wake up today in tears. I felt just how i've felt in the past. That wave of sadness overwhelming feeling of grey clouds surrounding my mind. I actually hated my life. So what do I have to do to not feel like that? Am I not grateful? I have so many things in my life that many people don't. I guess I still got a lot of work to do. It reminded me I need to make more changes. The saddest thing is when this happened, my lover called me at the right time but I didn't share my thoughts. I could feel his energy ...he knew I was sad but I didn't say anything. I'm glad I didn't because I knew I'd be fine in the end. Whenever the end is ... then there's always a another beginning somewhere down the line.

Do you get so sad because of how much you know yourself and understand that there's a better place for you in this world? even though, this place is ok but you want more! I was in tears because I wanted more for myself. I was in tears because deep down I feel alone. I was in tears because I realised I have all these work and job experiences and I'm not really appreciated for it in my work life, I could do better. Do I have enough time? will I get enough time to change it? I guess will see whether I can still fight for me and I mean FIGHT! ...Maybe I was in tears because I'm just ...tired.

I feel like I live in my head a lot of the time. Overthinking is a killer of dreams for me and it needs to stop. If you have a dream, a goal that needs doing.. do it. Share a thought with others that will make them think.. oh I never knew you had that side to you. But no matter what even when you feel low because of the kindness you show to others, but don't get back; still show kindness there needs to be more of us in this world. Maybe that's ,my purpose. My purpose is to give love and not expect it back in buckets. Maybe I expect too much.

When Your reading this I want you to imagine that this is what my mind is doing constantly. the maybes, the shoulda, woulda, coulda's!

I find peace in my happy moments, I find peace when I'm alone, I find peace in music, I find peace when I'm with my loved ones. I find peace when I realise how strong I am after the wave of emotions. I always manage to pick myself up which is amazing and I need to be more proud of those things. So this one day wondering, why did I go to bed like that? Why did I wake up like this? I should be happy!? - Its actually the universe telling me to love myself more so that I can be brave to make those necessary changes in my life. Or just be God Damn grateful for what I have. Typical Virgo I just can't make up my mind!.