The Payoff of Positivity and Living Your Best Life

I didn’t believe it. Although it was right in front of me, my mind didn’t want to accept that my writing could earn me more than praise from friends and family. The Universe is smiling on you, I thought. It was the best answer. I still had doubts about pursuing a career in writing at my age. I had been submitting things here and there, but nothing seemed to get many reads or returns. Of course, I was still working on a novel. I had hoped I could make some income writing for websites while I worked on it. Now it looked as though that idea was going to pay off. Not only would it pay off, but it was going to be enough to give me a few more months avoiding a return to corporate life.

My pursuit of a writing career started when I received a call from my manager. According to his words, HR had decided to offer me severance and lay me off. It was due to “lack of work”, he had said. I found it strange since I was the only one on our team let go. Part of me expected this come at some point, but not during the pandemic and not when we had so many newbies that were overwhelmed. The team was a mess. Their work was piling up and our revenue was lacking because of the back log. I had small accounts and was working more in a bit of a training capacity, but there was a lot more work that could have been passed on to me. I knew the real issue was my mouth. Whether in written or spoken form, I had a tendency to speak my mind and I would take it too far. It was at its worst a year before I was let go when it and overwhelming stress sent me to a mental hospital for a short while. I had believed that was a changing point for me and it was, more or less. I did not voice complaints and I kept my words professional when sharing ideas about improvements. I remained respectful and no longer expressed criticism. I stopped myself from “taking a stand” on principal. It was a waste of time in the corporate world to do so. The management, like my military superiors, expected obedience. They spoke of innovation, but only when it came to the engineers. Anyone in customer service was expected to just do and not ask why.

I viewed the lay off as a blessing in disguise. The writing itch had come back after being committed for a few weeks and my imagination was sparked with good stories again. I was happy that my work load had lessened so that I might have time to write. It still felt that I didn’t have enough time, but it was more than what I had before. When I heard the new boss tell me it was my last day, I was angry, but also relieved. I won’t say I accepted it right away, but I did start immediately writing. A few days later and it struck me. This was the Universe telling me to follow my dream. It was the first time I thought there might be something to the Law of Attraction. It changed my outlook. I was more positive. I greeted people with smiles and salutations rather than just walking by them with a sour expression. I stopped yelling at other drivers. I took time to sit in silence. The more I did so, the more I received positive feedback. I was believing there was something to this.

HR saw fit to give me a severance. It was their only action that I had felt cast doubt on my belief this was something personal, but it was a small doubt. It was at this time I discovered another blessing. I could withdraw from retirement with no penalties, only the income tax due because of the Cares Act. I did just that. I had recently moved from the burbs of Atlanta into the city. My needs were fewer. I no longer needed to drive everywhere. I could walk more. It was just me and my two cats, Luna and Pepe. It allowed me the opportunity to also help friends in need. I was more willing to give money to the panhandlers I encountered. It was fulfilling to give when I could. I felt uplifted.

Eventually I came to a point that I stopped writing for a bit. It wasn’t long after being laid off that I had to have one of the cats, Pepe, put down. He had cancer. It was heartbreaking. I had him from kitten to 11 years old. He was annoyingly affectionate, but it was part of what made him special. He would lick your face, the nose, cheeks, and your earlobes. I used to joke he was telling me that if I happen to die suddenly and wasn’t found right away that those were the bits he would eat first. He was 18 lbs of loveable tomcat. The vet clinic that put him down was horrible. They claimed, despite it being 1:00 AM, that I couldn’t be with him in the clinic because of covid. Despite that we would all be wearing masks and no other pet parents would be in the clinic (No one was there), I had to wait in the car. They offered to bring him out to me so I could say goodbye and I accepted, but it only crushed my spirit more. He knew something was going on. He hissed at me. He was stressed. When it was done, they called my cell from the office. The last words I heard were “have a good night”. I still get angry thinking about how they treated Pepe. I felt they were callous. The one positive was the company that handled his cremation. They were empathetic and wonderful. I placed his urn where I can see it every day. I was slipping into depression and stopped writing.

I am grateful that it wasn’t long before I came out of the shadow of depression and made a commitment to myself to live life, not watch it go by. I still had Luna and she was in great health according to my regular vet. She would watch me when I sat at my PC writing. Her emerald eyes would blink slowly and had an expression of contempt, which I learned means the opposite of what humans think it does. It means your cat loves you, as much as an animal can feel love. I found a few websites to which I could send both fictional and non-fictional stories. I moved to another apartment. The Universe was reminding me that it won’t always be sunshine and rainbows. Nothing controls life. There is not cure for dying. There is a treatment, however… living your best life. I set my mind to do so.

I began to carry a small black notebook with me everywhere I went. I used it to jot down writing ideas or make notes of possible opportunities for income. Sometimes, I had to consider the words I wrote in the notebook. I wrote at a pace that did not allow for legible penmanship. Though it was my own handwriting, I sometimes couldn’t make out the words. Chicken scratch is what some would call it. I called it written mumbles. One such moment was checking a website called Vocal. I had found several challenges the site promoted that would provide substantial cash awards. It was there that I found the site’s first big prize… $20,000. It was a thank you to the creators who provided stories for their site. I had been feeling that I had a big windfall coming soon. Little signs from the Universe telling me to stay calm and be ready for some financial relief. It felt like a significant amount of money. When I saw the challenge posted, I knew it was mine to win. Me being me, I had my doubts, but I would not let them hold me back from submitting a story, maybe more than one. I pulled out the black notebook and jotted down a brief note on the challenge and quickly listed some ideas for stories. Then I let it sit for 3 days.

A phone call with my mom gave me the push to get to it. I told her about the contest and I could hear the excitement in her voice as she encouraged me to submit a story. I got to work on the first one right away. It took me several days of writing a few different stories before I had 2 that I thought were good. I was proud of them and sent them on their way. I don’t recall ever feeling as right with the world as I did that day. I felt confident that this was the life I was meant for. I could feel myself being pulled toward the writing. For the first time in my life I knew I was a writer. I felt it in my heart… in my very soul. I could do this. I could write one of the novels I had toyed with over the years. I could finish it and get it published. The first step was to win the challenge. It inspired me to write that much more. I ended up with several stories that went a different direction than what the challenge required, so I put them on the back burner, to finish later. I knew they would get submitted to future challenges and websites. I found my path.

It was 45 days after I submitted my first story that the challenge deadline arrived. I had submitted 4 different stories by that day. Now all I could do was wait. I was nervous and excited. My anxiety was reaching critical levels. A pounding heart, night sweats, and crippling fear most often accompanied my bouts of anxiety. This time was different. I felt confident and positive. I believed I would win and knew that if I did not win, I would not stop trying. I knew that this was my path. I wouldn’t let fear or anxiety stop me. I couldn’t help feeling something telling me that it was my turn to win, however. I chose to grab this feeling as tight as I could and put my faith in the truth of it.

I got the notice, which is where I started this tale. Despite my confidence in winning, I found myself in a minor state of shock. I had released my faith into the Universe and it answered back. It was at the exact right time, too. I had been hit with unexpected expenses. I had to put tires on my car. I had to get a new computer chip for it as well. Luna became ill and I had to take her to the vet. It was a frightful day since Pepe had passed only a few months prior. I was relieved it was a minor concern with her teeth. Each curveball that life threw at me, I took. I let them pass. I accepted this was what it meant to live life rather than watch it go by. You had to feel all of it. Pain, sorrow, joy, love… all of it. Now I stare at the notice that I have been awarded $20,000. Rent, food, and utilities covered for maybe 12 months. I wasn’t sure how much it would be after taxes, but even half would help me to continue following my dream. I thought turning 50 would mean life would slide downhill. It turns out that it means I’m not too late to start living.