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The Mountain My Life

The hike became a metaphor for my healing, I had no idea what I was doing in either but I was winning.

By Queen with a Crooked Crown Published 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 13 min read
2
This is finally me

Determined to take care of my mind body and spirit I promised my sister-in-law Lisa, I would exercise or at least move every day when I told her of my separation after 15 years. My brother graciously offered his home in Vermont a place I have known my entire life, so I packed up and drove without hesitation. I could easily say yes, I went for a walk or I did yoga, but I no longer lie to myself and there is no need to lie to others anymore. I am no longer in hiding, I am all truth, not for everyone but I am for myself and that is what matters as long as I give out love to the world, I am not hurting another while being true to me.

It had been 3 days since I had done any type of physical activity other than move from my sofa to steep yet another pot of grounding tea, when depression creeps in and you are not accustomed to such feelings as you have buried them for what seems like forever, you feel a familiar tug at your heart. You know with wisdom it is temporary but lord I can tell you for a fact it does not FEEL temporary. It feels as if you are being held under water and you are not fighting this fight at the moment, you are frozen in that feeling of drowning yet if you are one of the lucky ones you will also feel as if something or someone is holding your head up so that you do not fully go under as there is no turning back for me if I allow myself to drown. Why do some feel the hope even if just minuscule and why do others not? I can feel that hope growing as I nourish, you guessed it, my mind, body and spirit.

I woke up I did a quick farmers market shop, I meditated, I wrote and I could put it off no longer.. I drove to the ski mountain filled with mountain bikers and somehow kept going with mild trepidation yet filled with enthusiasm. I had my backpack, albeit my daughters as I hijacked it once I recognized my newly found love for nature, filled it with water and an energy bar because well I’m a mom and I need to be prepared and entered the path I so often did when I was younger feeling like we were on top of the world, carrying our skis over our shoulders and truly ready for another memorable day followed by cousins bar and teasing each other, wow how I missed those days, I was authentic for those moments. I remember that feeling I would get, it was such high as if nothing could possibly stand in my way from soaring down the mountain that day, this was my mountain I am in control, I loved that rush of euphoria. Even then I knew I was meant to soar yet did not feel worthy to fly at that time and in life itself. Loss of control was taken from me when I was just a child and my trail from then on was littered with lessons due to no self belief or worth. Self love was not existent, I was not taught to love myself first, I wasn't even taught to love myself at all.

I asked one man who worked at the mountain if I could hike to the top or did the unseen trails stop. He said yes, I could but he wasn’t certain of the path so I said, well if I’m not back by closing can you let someone know I went the direction you are pointing... Again, I’m a mom and I need to be prepared. I mean who knows what’s out there right? Bear sightings were noted in the back of my mind and I somehow closed my mind off to the snake potential. Damn I had no mace in the case of a human attacker yet somehow, I was not as alarmed as in other places. This is a place of nature, of enlightenment for some and a place to feel grounded and energized in pureness.

I’ve never done anything like this, especially alone. I have traveled the world solo but not something that would require both physical and mental strength together without help. There I went following the path he directed me on. Surely this could not be a walking path and then I quickly remembered it’s not for casual walking, this is an uphill hike and at times a little bit of a crawl over flattened boulders hidden within the gravel and grass terrain and a fearless quick paced walk-through an overgrown meadow that will soon be covered in snow and skiers as I was once a part of.

I lost my footing in the beginning and I then took clearer notice of the ground in front of me. I wondered if I had the proper hiking sneakers, I also wondered why I did not grab a map as I lost service in some parts, there went my being prepared confidence! Yet none of this deterred me from the grand fete ahead. If I stumble with my feet or with my confidence on this upward climb, so be it, it is temporary, I know that now. The true steepness started about halfway up or it was the fact my body was starting to hunch over, maybe both… when I had a flicker of hesitation on my grand idea of reaching the summit on my very first hike ever, I repeatedly said to myself “you CAN do this, no, you WILL do this, NO, you ARE doing this, and you will under no circumstances stop. I was unstoppable.... I did not stop fighting through life for survival, therefore I will not stop fighting now that I am reaching such heights.

Even if I wanted to stop, I do not believe my feet would have stopped trudging up this mountain. I spoke to myself out loud about random thoughts and my sherlock moments, I was not worried about looks from others as I really didn’t see anyone other than mountain bikes occasionally whipping by on their own trail and to be honest I really didn't care.

Periodically I stopped to turn back and look at how far I had come, how far from the base and how far in life, I caught my breath had a bit of water and refused to sit down, I must keep going just as I must keep climbing in my growth and determination to reach the summit.

At one point I realized I was going downhill a little longer than the usual winded paths that eventually lead you back up, just like life’s journey, I chose without pause to turn around and backtrack until I found the upward path I must have missed. Before I would have kept on that path as I did not believe in my-self worth. So many would not turn around and follow their yearning, that was a perfect opportunity to say ok you have done enough, you can go back down and be subpar, but no, I could not, I made a decision no matter how difficult it would be I was not quitting this quest and I yearn for more, I deserve more. I didn't care if I passed out, nightfall came or an ambulance took me away, I was not turning back now. Another metaphor...

I hiked back up about 15 mins and could not find a clean path up, as I stood staring up to the top and looking for any hidden opening I could walk through, I decided to face my fears and push myself to reach the potential I know I have inside of me and create my own path, a path that works for me! A path that had not been taken until I cleared the blades of grass with my very own footing not anyone else’s imprints. Yes, yet another metaphor.

Here enters the overgrown meadows that I was sure had sleeping snakes, as I stood in front of the unknown ground, I took a huge step in and forged forward for I had decided what will be will be and if I get hurt so be it at least I attempted to push myself further, you guessed it, yes yet another metaphor. After a quick difficult section up, I reached a chair lift operator and as I bent over to again catch my breath and slow my rapid heart rate he walked over, he looked as concerned as my body was feeling. Before he could ask if I was ok, I asked him where the hiking path to the top was, as I somehow lost it and created my own… He pointed in the direction he said would take me to the summit and while still catching my breath I got out the words, how much further? He said you are ¾ up the mountain, if you want, I can send you down on the lift. I shook my head defiantly and said NO I can do this, I have to do this and outload again I said, I can do anything, and with his enormous smile as added encouragement I set out to complete my goal. Frankly, I was surprised he did not radio the base and say come get this lunatic novice who may get herself killed. Instead, he seemed just as excited as me when I said I have never done anything like this before and a shout was heard behind me, you can do it! Perhaps it was merely in my head, perhaps both as maybe I do have a few cheerleaders in this game of life, some known and some not yet met.

The path up ahead had a sign that read steep and very difficult, again out loud I said for the love of God are you kidding me? I’m a beginner not an experienced hiker, this trek is going to get more difficult than it already has been, and I realized at that moment so was my life journey, so even more so I couldn't quit, not when I was more than halfway there, not in the physical and not in my daily expanding soul. This was not a path, this seemed like someone just named it that. At times I had to bend down and use my hands to steady myself on the wet slippery rocks, I found my footing through the muddied areas and didn’t care if things got messy. Each time I stopped to examine the next right step, I started to see lone small flowers along the way, this reminded me there is beauty within our pain.

I felt powerful, I felt my spirit pushing me and dragging me at the same time, I felt like a warrior. Again, I continued to talk to myself and reassure my heart and mind that my life has been and will be an uphill climb and as I have survived the past, I will survive anything that is to come. So, I kept going and as I stood up a little taller, remembering I have battled much scarier terrain than this measly mountain. I will not only survive my journey I will dance wildly through it with passion for living.

I looked up and saw part of the chair lift and with a few small curses I added positive affirmations that I was so close to my goal. I felt elation and as much as those last steps were difficult, I felt I was floating to the top. This man-made path was filled with wildflowers, a sign of hope and beauty to come from facing my fears. The most incredible thing happened as I was ready to move forward after my short pause. My phone, which was in my backpack started playing a song, but not just any song, it was the song that has been my lifeline to absolute and utter bliss. It is a song that helps my courage to flourish daily as it seems to be my very own mantra.

“There’s a place I go to where no one knows me, It’s not lonely, it’s a necessary thing

It’s a place I made up, found out what I’m made of the nights I stayed up counting stars and fighting sleep.

Let it wash over me, I’m ready to lose my feet, take me off to the place where one reveals life’s mysteries. Steady on down the line, lose every sense of time

Take it all in and wake up, that small part of me. Day to day, I’m blind to see and find how far to go…”.

“Catch and Release”, catch what is thrown at me each day, bless it and release it.

By this point my body was quitting even though my heart refused to stop moving my feet one foot in front of the other while listening to these lyrics and there in front of me was the most perfect walking stick that was waiting just for me to give me that push, I have been waiting for in life. That push off the cliff afraid I will not fly, but I was wrong all those years, I will fly, I am flying now. That branch was a sign of accepting help along the way and not having to do things on my own as I always believed. That branch was not a crutch it was a moment of grace I accepted into my path. I picked it up and felt it and knew it was left just for me but whom or what I do not know but I was certain it was there for me and another smile spread over my face.

I trudged forward and when I was steps away from the tippity tippity top I ran. When at the peak I quickly turned around and was in awe as I looked down at how far I had come. My elation was untamable, and my cheeks felt as if they would burst from smiling and as the tears welled up in my eyes, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be no matter how difficult the path. The joy on my face would have been contagious had there been anyone to see it however it is within my heart and will be forged along with my every move forward in life. Fuck I did it, NO I am doing it. I am rejecting societies norms and I am being true to my own heart and soul.

I chose to take the lift down the 3500 feet I hiked up, and as tears ran down my cheeks I smiled. I smiled the entire way down and when I got off at the base, I felt a new energy fill my soul. I had lit yet another fire within me. I must do this again and this time I want a bigger mountain, that mountain is my future. As I looked up to the top one more time, I felt pride in my accomplishment, I wanted to shout out to the entire mountain that I did it, a mere novice did it and that means ANYONE can.

This mountain hike is a metaphor for my life. A place I know well as I have been going since I was a small child but have tried to leave behind. A place I am now getting reacquainted with as I chose to disassociate myself from, yet it never truly left my subconscious memories. This mountain is me. This mountain is scary, wild, natural, euphoric and beautiful, this mountain can deplete you or this mountain can refill you with your light that has dimmed, that is up to how you choose to experience it.

I choose life, I choose myself, I choose truth and I choose to keep pushing myself further because the love I further feel for myself is astonishingly refreshing and as it should be.

Walk the path forward, do not stand still you will get nowhere, do not go backwards you will falter, only forward is the answer, only forward with each step will you experience your truth, and this is when you will find the gift of bliss.

success
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About the Creator

Queen with a Crooked Crown

Memories that both haunted and hunted catapulted me to this very moment and to reclaim my life.

My mind no longer my compass, a devils whispered directions no longer requested. I deny them with my hearts truth.

@Queen_with_a_Crooked_Crown

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