The Monster

Do you ever feel consumed by your worst fear? I thought I had dealt with a lot of things that I previously struggled with—WRONG!

This week I started some new things in my writing that makes me put myself out into the world, way beyond my little apartment. It’s not just my inner voice critiquing me, but rather it’s that inner voice screaming at me that I am going to fail.

Have you ever had this experience?

Praying and deep breathing help; reminding myself that it’s just a piece of paper with ink. But then no matter how much I tell myself that I can write better, that I’ve learned so much in the past year, what follows is more like: “I should have submitted something else.” “I should have taken more time to correct that sentence.” “I shouldn’t have rushed through that illustration”...these thoughts haunt me.

But I know one thing: I put my heart into my writing. And that’s the key! So all this unknown? It’s like jumping off the Power Leap in a high rope’s course. I’ve done this several times, but it’s still one of the scariest things ever.

First, you’re expected to climb up a pole, maybe a telephone pole. You’re harnessed in the whole time, so there’s barely any chance of falling to the ground (some of you are already shaking your heads). The higher you get, the more you question why you agreed to do this in the first place. Then after finally making it to the top, you have to get around the outside part of the platform and pull yourself on the top so that you are (usually) on your knees. From the ground, you imagine this is the part where you would look around and enjoy the view. But it’s not. The only thing that you are thinking is how windy it is! Finally, you muster the courage to turn around and, shakily, one foot at a time, get into a standing position. You’re still harnessed in, but it’s this point that makes you wonder two opposing things at the same time: 1) Will it hold me? and 2) Are they going to pull me off?

You see, it’s usually a friend or a guide who is holding the rope, so if you fell, the rope would catch you and you wouldn’t fall to your death. However, falling is the only thing you are thinking of now. Then, someone shouts up that you need to jump; try to grab that bar. There is a bar, probably eight to ten feet in front of you, but it may as well be a mile. If you were on solid ground it would be no big deal. You could take a flying leap and grab it, no problem! But up here is a different story. Everything seems to be against you.

Somehow you jump. Whether just barely or with the intention of grabbing the bar in front of you. The point is: you DO it, no matter the pressures confronting you.

And that’s where I am in this moment. I have made it this far, completed the climb with my writing, and then been distracted by the doubts and insecurities. My friends might tell me opposing opinions or give me encouragement; either way, they are surrounding me. The bare bones of this: it doesn’t matter what they think. That sounds harsh, but hear me out. When it comes right down to it, it is my choice. I am the one that has to consciously decide to make that leap.

All I have is my courage and my faith. I just have to jump!