The Little Things.

[… And it wants to control you and pull you to toward all these different pockets. If you can’t control your own brain, and your brain controls you: you’re fucked].

The man’s commanding tone projected through my dimly lit laptop screen. He seemed like the kind of man I wanted to be. A military type with sun bronzed skin and a chiseled jaw, the kind of man who woke with the chirping of the birds and shaved with a straight razor.

It wasn’t the first time I was watching this video. I often forgot its content, so I made it a point to return every morning. Well, whether you could consider this ‘morning’ was a different matter entirely.

I chose to ignore this minor detail, though. The words of wisdom that entered my ears were far more important. The more I heard them, the truer they seemed to become. If I followed his words, there’d be one day I could become like him. That, I was certain of.

[… Play Raid Shadow Legends!].

The video came to an end with a jarring advertisement that snapped me out of aspirations for the future.

I closed my laptop screen, escaping the call for ‘seeking adventures’ and ‘collecting legends’ to fall back onto my bed.

There it was, the peaceful silence I loved so. The only inconvenience worth my time was the slight whipping sound of my ceiling fan. How nice would it be if I could just lay here all the time, without a worry in the world?

[Do the things you don’t want to do].

My peace came to an end with that abrupt thought. It was the second thing I had conditioned myself to remember. It didn’t work every time, but it seemed that I managed to think of it today.

Feeling toward my left with a hand, I knocked past a few empty water bottles to find a small black book and the pen between its pages.

I squinted, flipping to the appropriate page while trying to make out the dark ink in my sunless room. With a faint satisfaction, I crossed off the first item on today’s ‘To Do’ list. But, an eerie dread overcame me when I saw the second item on the list.

[Take a shower].

Was it the second day already?

Feeling the uncomfortable stickiness of my own body, I realized that it really was. I could get away with skipping a single day, but if I avoided it any longer, that feeling would consume me again.

I should get up. It will take ten minutes at most. I can do this.

The flickering screen of my phone suddenly caught my attention. I usually kept it on silent, much to the dissatisfaction of my mother. But, it seemed I had knocked its screen face up just now.

It was always easy to ignore messages if I didn’t see them, but I couldn’t very well do so if I had. At least it wasn’t a phone call. I hated speaking on the phone.

I lifted my phone up to scroll through the densely packed notifications. It seemed that I was quite popular, but the truth was that over ninety-nine percent of them were score updates from NBA and NFL games.

“Carson Wentz was traded to the Colts? What is Howie Roseman thinking?”

I felt a faint urge to throw my phone away, not even noticing the hoarseness of my own voice from lack of use. It was only after reading piles of hate comments from the Eagles’ subreddit page that my heart finally rested.

Shaking my head, I scrolled to the end of the notifications to find a message from my mother. It seemed she had stopped by while I was asleep and left some food in the fridge.

I couldn’t help but smile lightly, thankful that I saw this. My mom’s cooking had always been the best. Of course, other than being delicious, it was far healthier than whatever I would have eaten instead.

She probably woke up really early. Knowing her, she didn’t cook just a day’s worth either. Who knows how many hours she spent in the kitchen?

[… Enjoy the food and don’t forget to focus on the little things! Take your steps one foot at a time. ~Mom loves you]..

Putting my phone down, I looked up at the ceiling and sighed. My mother’s affection wasn’t new to me. I had long since stopped being overwhelmed by the emotions of it all. But the one that never left was guilt.

Touching that faint edges of that feeling I hated so much, I pushed myself up from my bed and onto the hardwood floors. I had to get rid of that aching annoyance.

[Take a Shower].

My apartment wasn’t large, so the bathroom wasn’t far away. I had counted the steps once before. Four to my bedroom door, two across the width of the hallway, and three past the sink, toilet and to the showerhead.

A breath of relief left me as the bathroom door clicked closed. I was here now. The rest was simple.

I didn’t wear much at home. Just a pair of loose boxers and a white T-shirt. I used to not wear a shirt at all, but my poor hygiene habits caused my skin to grow dry. Unless I wore one, I wouldn’t be able to last through skipping a day without my skin becoming itchy and painful.

I hesitated as I was about to drop my clothes to the floor.

“The little things… The little things…” I muttered to myself.

My gaze swept the white tiles, finding a small white basket leaning against a far corner. I reached my hand over and dropped the two in. It wasn’t as satisfying as crossing something off of my ‘To Do’ list, unfortunately. I should add it in.

I caught a faint glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was all faintly humorous to me. Back in high school, not a day would pass without me checking my progress. How big was my chest getting? How about my back? My legs had always been my greatest achievement of them all, though.

Unfortunately, they were all covered in a layer of fat now.

Sometimes, I wish that the layer was thicker. If it was, I’d see less of my past achievements and wouldn’t have to be reminded of them every time I stepped in front of one of these reflective monstrosities.

This was just a fleeting thought of mine, though. Another part of me still smiled and flexed. It was my proof that not everything had gone off the rails quite yet, that maybe I could still claw back.

As always, when the warm water finally hit my back, I felt a wave of comfort. Scrubbing every itch clean from my body filled me with a sense of accomplishment. And, just like always, I swore that I would stand here beneath this water again tomorrow, knowing well that I was just blowing hot air.

I finished my shower, stepping out from the bathroom after realizing I had forgotten a towel.

Just as I was going to enter my bedroom, I realized I had missed something earlier. The air was filled with a faint pleasing scent. It was the smell of freshly done laundry.

I could only shake my head. It seemed that mom had been here for longer than she let on.

I found a basket of fresh clothing by the bathroom door. I must have been focusing on my steps so much that I missed it.

Wiping the water from myself with a warm towel felt more comfortable than even the shower itself. By the time I put on a new pair of loose boxers and another white T-shirt, I felt as though I had been born anew.

How long the feeling would last, I didn’t know. This step, the completion of a task, had always been the most pleasing. I could never understand why it was so hard for me to get to this point.

The gurgling of my stomach snapped me out of my thoughts. I wandered down the short hallway toward the kitchen, opening the fridge to find stacks of clear Tupperware filled with a week worth of food.

I popped them into the microwave, basking in the aroma of spices and herbs that filled my small kitchen and living room.

I stopped the timer before it went off, eagerly finding a fork and pulling a chair aside to sit at my kitchen counter. This sort of apartment didn’t have a dining area.

Steamy barbecue chicken, soft white rice, and even a slice of my favorite apple pie. It was a feast that made my stomach smile.

I finished with a satisfied sigh. I was going to place the dishes in the sink where they’d likely magically become clean in a few days like my dirty clothes had, but by the drying rack, there was a small box I hadn’t noticed before.

My mom had always teased me for being neglectful, but this had already been the second time in less than an hour that I missed something so obvious. Well, it wasn’t like I was very good at picking up on the minor details anyway.

I placed the dirty dishes down and opened the box’s lid. Within, I found all sorts of stuff: medals and trophies from when I still played sports, report cards from my younger days, and even a few photos that came from a Facebook account I hadn’t used in forever.

I laughed as I went through them.

Not everything was so great. Most of the medals and trophies were just for participation. As for my report cards, they could only be considered passable. The photos, however, were a nice jog down memory lane. It seemed my mom knew I had deleted my social media accounts a long time ago.

“The little things…”

I placed everything back and into the box. My mom treated each and every one of these items like a precious jewel. It was a wonder that she trusted me enough to leave them here.

It had only been a few years ago that I was no different from any other college kid. I had goals, just like everyone else. It was just that I wasn’t very good at managing my path towards them.

But I still had a chance. Half a month ago, by some dumb luck, I won a good sum of money. Twenty thousand, in fact. Without it, I wouldn’t even be able to afford this small apartment to begin with.

I wanted to hit a hard reset, to work my way back to being the son my mom could brag about even if she had to stretch the truth a little bit to do so.

I walked back to my bedroom, turning on a lightbulb that hadn’t been put to work in a good long while before picking up a small black book.

Seeing the third item on my ‘To Do’ list, that familiar feeling of dread overwhelmed me.

[Clean your room].