The Little Things

Military life.

It requires you to be all you can be and adhere to the values that shape the mold of what society calls a "good person."

Integrity, personal courage, kindness and sacrifice to name just a few.

Though many of her closest friend, family, and soldiers would contest, Kim felt as though she did not exemplify some of those traits. She always felt she could do better, be better.

A 2011 parachuting exercise left Kim with a broken vertebrae and a subsequent spinal fusion surgery.

Needless to say, her military career was cut short. All that was left of that life was an folder with a few awards, some training certificates, and the leadership evaluations from her time as a Non-commissioned officer.

What followed was a quick transition into civilian life littered with regrets and an 4 year opioid addiction. The VA and Army paid her monthly for her injuries, enough to pay her rent and some bills and enough money left for food, fuel, and entertainment. It was up to Kim to battle through the thoughts of her past, through an addiction, and make the best of what was left.

In 2016, with tears soaking her pillow, Kim decided enough was enough. She had to make a change. No longer could she bear the image in the mirror, or the disappoint in the eyes of those she cared about.

Searching the Internet, she discovered a program to help her kick her addiction for good and start working toward a productive future. She got a job and started going back to school. Things were looking up.

Unfortunately, the prescription designed to help her flush away the drugs of the past had it's own addictive properties. And although she was able to function and think normally while on it, Kim felt trapped in a new chasm of modified addiction.

She quit her job and moved to Texas. The money she was getting was not enough to make ends meet, so she ended up living in her car with her dog for months at a time.

That is, until someone gave her another chance. Kim started working her dream job as a veterinarian assistant at the local pet clinic. And it was good.

For three years, her life was trending upward. Kim still made mistakes from time to time, but she was able to recognize her mistakes and not repeat them. She got her integrity back and started being kinder to those around her. She even started working out and getting fit in order to finally find love in her life. And it was good.

That is, until life threw her another curveball.

For on a cold winter night, she went to her monthly doctors appointment to get her perscription refilled. And they said no.

Kim sat in her car and cried for an hour. What would she do? How would she survive this? Could she go on knowing her crutch was being taken from her?

Kim's questions were quickly answered just a few short days later, a regular customer came in with her favorite dog for a checkup. The woman could see the pain in Kim's eyes. So she took her hand, and together, they prayed.

6 months down the road, and Kim was finally free of the opiates and reduction medication she so desperately depended on. She was biking 50 miles a day and lost 40 pounds with a clean diet and daily exercise.

Kim was born again. And the universe finally, completely had her back.

Without any type of drugs in her system, Kim was finally able to hear the voice of her conscience and intuition.

Her road rage was gone. She was more patient and kinder to strangers. She started to log her dreams and brush away her past regrets and mistakes, recognizing the lessons they offered her.

By the grace and absolution from a God beyond human comprehension, Kim was made whole again.

She donated money she didn't have to a number of charities, and empathized for those in need she couldn't help. She played basketball with the neighborhood kids and made lasagna to disperse to the kids' parents. In the pandemic era, she volunteered her time delivering groceries to those who couldn't shop for themselves, the added income allowing her to purchase materials to reignite her passion for painting. Kim was doing good.

Thinking back to her entire resume of 2020, though Kim was proud of her accomplishments and the good that she had done, she still was not fully satisfied. Tears still filled her eyes at night, the thoughts of her past coming back to terrify her. Had she done enough? Was she really a good person, or a bad person doing good things?

Daily she talked to her closest loved ones. She let go of some her secrets of her past and looked for healing in the responses she heard. Kim wouldn't let herself accept all the good karma she had accumulated all her life. The reflection in the mirror still looked ugly to her.

Daily, Kim put on a brave face and pushed on, only to cry herself to sleep at night thinking she wasn't good enough for anything more than fear and sorrow. She had come so far, but something was holding her back.

One night while trying to get to sleep, a flash of her smiling grandmother flashed before her eyes. Startled and scared, she got out of bed and started pacing her hallway. What did this mean?

A voice inside of Kim inspired her to dig through her old military belongings. In a long forgotten folder, she found her old awards. She found her training certificates. And she found her evaluation reports.

Looking them over, Kim was overcome by emotion. Though she never appreciated herself or the good that she had done in the 10 years of military service, the proof was in the documents.

Kim was a phenomenal leader. All of the evaluation reports indicated a soldier of the highest merit. Her academics exceeded standards. Her awards painted the picture of a model representative of the country she valiantly defended. Kim wasn't good.

She was amazing.

And as she read over every bit of evidence supporting that fact, a smile spread across her face. And that same voice could be heard in her heart.

"You are my hero."

And in those moments as she hung each document on her living room wall, Kim, finally, felt good.

A feeling she would hold in her heart, forever.

As Kim sat down in her computer chair and looked at her now decorated wall, and despite it being 9 o'clock at night, her phone rang.

As most people do, she ignored the unknown number, but the voice inside her told her to pick it up.

The caller started by introducing himself as a representative of a charity she had donated to a couple days after Christmas. Kim selfishly rolled her eyes, thinking they were only calling to ask for more money; money she didn't have.

The caller surprised her.

He wasn't asking for more money. He was calling her to thank her for her donation and to provide the recognition she deserved.

Through a cracking and choked up voice, Kim thanked the caller, hung up, and fell to her knees sobbing. She looked up to the heavens, wiped away her tears, and simply said, "Thank you."

And the Universe replied, "You deserve it."

Kim headed to the bathroom and flipped on the light switch. She lifted her head and looked at herself in the mirror. Without another word, she simply smiled and winked at the complete image in front of her.

And it was good.

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Sometimes, the best deed you can do in this lifetime is not what you do for others. Sometimes, the greatest deed of all, his loving and believing in yourself, no matter what your mind lies and tells you. So love yourself, and let the universe take care of the rest. Be kind to yourself, and be, do, good.

The End....SCRATCH THAT....

The Beginning