The Guilt Complex

I have found myself doing things because I feel guilty - but what have I actually done to feel guilty? The answer is nothing.

I was brought up in the church and my whole childhood, I was taught that I live my life for other people and not for myself. I was basically taught that if I wanted to do anything for myself then I was selfish and that was the worst thing I could possibly do. Because of this, even though I am now an atheist, I have a lingering guilt complex.

An average week for me growing up was (around school hours):

• Sport on Monday, help younger kids learn how to do Judo followed by helping my mum with the youngest of my siblings
• Sport on Tuesday, make sure my team knew how to do their role properly, followed by a church youth group where I would volunteer cleaning and helping the youngest children, followed by helping my mum with the youngest of my siblings
• Sport on Wednesday, same as Monday followed by helping my mum with the youngest of my siblings
• Sport Thursday, followed by another youth club where I would volunteer to help with cleaning etc followed by helping my mum with the youngest of my siblings
• Toddler group Friday helping cleaning and look after younger children, followed by helping my mum with the youngest of my siblings
• Rest day Saturday along with helping with my youngest siblings
• Church on Sunday, once in the morning, once in the evening with Sunday school in between where I would help the adults organise the children doing activities etc and before the evening church group, we would see our Grandma and Grandpa and I would help with the dishes, cooking and handing out ice creams to my siblings

And once or twice a month, we would do the ‘Toy Wash’ where a bunch of us church kids would clean the toys for the toddler groups. Sometimes my schedule would change, but it rarely contained less than that - usually music lessons, rehearsals and other things were added to that list.

When I was a bit older and we moved to the South West, I had to give most of that up and I also learned about atheism which made me question a lot of things and yes, I felt very guilty questioning anything at all. I would still look after my youngest siblings around school hours - I would get them dressed in the morning, I would bottle feed the youngest early mornings and late at night because I never slept anyway, I’d change nappies, take the kids to the park and the list goes on.

I started noticing I had a problem with guilt when I was exhausted trying to get ready for school but still took care of my siblings first because I felt guilty if my mum had to get up early to see to them. Then my guilt would creep up on me more when I finally made some friends who didn’t have much money so I would spend my school dinner money on them and go hungry myself. This was a recurring theme, I was so used to being made to feel ‘evil’ if I took care of myself for a change that I was neglecting myself for the sake of everyone else’s happiness. Doing this very quickly made me develop an eating disorder, I suffered from depression and I started allowing people to abuse me as long as it meant my friends didn’t have to take a hit. This included boyfriends, I was always getting in the way of the violence and taking the hit myself so they didn’t have to.

I dug myself a hole this way, I forgot that being good to others didn’t mean I had to take abuse and I ended up in a string of abusive relationships because I felt guilty for saying no. This cycle has only just been broken at the age of 25 after taking hit after hit (both metaphorically and literally) and feeling too guilty to stand up for myself. I’ve only just learnt that I am allowed to say no, I am allowed to do things that benefit me sometimes and sometimes it’s okay to feel guilty and do absolutely nothing about it.

I guess the point of me telling you so much about my own guilt complex and how it came about is to help you understand yours or if you have one and what could be the cause of it. I find that a woman’s guilt comes from us being raised to be nurturers and if we’re not being nurturing all the time, we’re seen as selfish or mean which really isn’t the case. It’s not our job to look after everyone else, especially not before ourselves and it’s okay to say no, no matter what anyone else thinks of you. Now that a lot of us are grown up or are growing up, we can make the choice to break the cycle with our own daughter(s) (if we choose to have children at all). Little girls shouldn’t be raised to serve other people and it’s about time that changed, we need to teach ourselves, our daughters, our little sisters, that it’s okay to prioritise yourself.

From personal observation, I have found that a man’s guilt complex comes from being forced to be tough all the time, from having to be the protector, the muscle, the earner. This is another cycle we need to break, we need to teach our sons and our little brothers that it’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to look after yourself and it’s okay if you don’t want to look after everyone else.

I’m glad I’m now able to see my own guilt complex, I’m thankful that I can now allow myself to have what I need. I’m grateful that I am learning how to say no sometimes and I’m proud of myself for growing enough as a person to be able to share my bad habits with you and not feeling ashamed that they’re there. I have a long way to go yet but I’m taking the first steps and if that’s you too reading this, I want you to know that I am so proud of you for recognising it and doing something to help yourself for what could be the first time.

You don’t have to feel guilty for saying no.