The Giver That Always Gives In

Have you ever taken a personality test to see what “type” of person you are? There are numerous assessments out there that measure one’s personality traits in order to categorize them into different “types” or roles”. I have taken many over the years, both personally and professionally and they all pretty much describe me in the same way.

So, I am an Introverted Giver/Helper. Seems kind of like an oxymoron, but that’s how I wound up. Always have been. From elementary school, when I was known on my school bus for standing up to bullies who were picking on the smaller kids, to giving 15 years of my life to helping others as a 911 dispatcher, I have always supported the underdogs and did my best to see that others received the assistance that they needed.

I follow the rules, I adhere to laws and ordinances, and I return my shopping cart, every damn time.

I love structure, order, organization, and cleanliness. I have been labeled by my peers (not diagnosed) as having OCD and being entirely too anal about things that “don’t matter”.

I try to be as rational as possible, give others the benefit of the doubt (sometimes to the level of making excuses for them and their behavior), and see my own flaws as others see them. One major flaw, that I mentioned before, is being an introvert. This makes forcing myself out of my comfort zone to fulfill my helper persona especially exhausting.

One thing I have noticed about helpers (at least from my experience), is that we don’t normally surround ourselves with other helpers. If we happen to be in a profession that is made up of helpers, such as in the medical field, law enforcement, or public service, then of course we make those connections, but I’m talking about outside of work.

Our personal time is where we have more control over who we spend our time with and it seems as though a lot of those positions tend to be filled with those who are “takers”, for lack of a better term.

I’ve learned that people that fit into the category are just naturally drawn to the helpers, simply because helpers are the ones that fulfill their needs. Takers do not surround themselves with other takers, because then none of them are able to be provided with what they want and/or need. It’s basic math. You have one helper who has pieces of energy being taken away from them by five takers vs one taker who is being catered to by five helpers. It’s easy to see which one is going to crack first.

I am that one helper. I understand what it’s like to constantly have those little bits of energy being taken away until there is nothing left. It gets very draining and very lonely. Why lonely? Because takers only want you when they want something from you. And when you tell them no and they begin to see that you aren’t going to be there for their every whim, they will move on to someone else.

I have lost a LOT of people in my life due to this. I didn’t cast them out or force them out of my life. They chose to not be a part of my life. Because I said NO.

It’s almost like when you tell a 2-year-old “No, you can’t have that candy”, and they lose their ever-loving mind in the middle of the grocery store.

Grown ass adults do the same thing, just in a different way. You tell them no and either one of two things happen; they either disappear from your life until they think they can talk you into something later, or they give you a guilt trip. That’s always my favorite part. Especially when they attempt to make you feel guilty for not bailing them out of a mess that they created to begin with.

I am almost 37 years old. I have made a habit of giving in to people. THIS is my biggest flaw. Being an introvert is my defense mechanism. It took me this long and some deep soul-searching to finally reach this conclusion.

It is my job manage my responsibilities at work, handle my duties at home, and take care of my husband and my child. That’s it. Those are relationships that I chose to make and will have them for the rest of my life.

As far as the other takers, they can take from someone else, because I FINALLY added “No” to my vocabulary.

***Note: Originally published on Medium***