The butterfly effect

Are you allowed to change?

Do you ever find yourself being told who you are because of who you have been? Do you find yourself in shame, relieving old habits or mistakes because it’s who you’re expected to be. How often do we all get trapped in our past because of these expectations our peers and family have of us? How often do our newly formed wings get plucked from our shoulders before we’ve had a chance to behold our transformation? Why aren’t we allowed to change?

Think about your habits. Good or bad. I’ll use eating as an example because it’s arguably something we can all relate to. Think about when you begin to make changes in your diet for whatever reason. Maybe your trying to lose weight. Maybe you want to add in more plant based foods to lower the impact the meat and dairy industry have on the environment. Maybe you just want to make healthier decisions. Regardless of the reason, how hard is it to change your eating habits? I had been a vegan or really a “cheagan” (ie cheating vegan) for a year before I officially removed meat from my diet and I was genuinely trying the entire time. It still took a year. It took a year and 7 months to remove dairy entirely. I did it for health purposes, I was in physical agony and it still took that long for me to make the adjustments I needed to make in order to feel good. Think about that for a second. Even in pain it took over a year and a half to change a habit.

Let’s break it down a little further. What is a habit? A habit is nothing more than a thought; a thought that has relentlessly repeated itself. Half the time we don’t even stop long enough to realize that we are stuck in a thought pattern. We feel like this thought or habit is truth and law because it’s almost become engrained in who we are, in what we expect from ourselves and from the world. Our thought expectation is what we are manifesting in our lives. If you want to change a habit you have to first find the limiting thought that’s perpetuating the habit. You also have to understand that this is something everyone is struggling with and know that their thought limitations are not your responsibility.

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The limiting thoughts others have on change is a reflection of what they believe to be true in themselves. “People don’t change” is a bullshit saying. People can change. And they do, all the time. You resist their change because you want to continue to live in the story you’ve been telling yourself about who that person is. I’ll use myself as an example. Over the past two years as confident and aggressively as I’d assert myself I had little to no self respect. I thought being bold and ballsy equated to some sense of self respect but it didn’t. I know this due to the lack of boundaries I had with the people I allowed close to me. I sent out half assed love, always withholding for fear of being hurt and I got half assed love in return; being withheld from, never being full committed to, always unsure of. I gave too much of myself to try and keep the fragments of love I was getting. Because I didn’t have respect for myself, I lost a lot of the respect from those around me. And understandably so, the narrative that exists of me and who I am and what I’m about is hard to change.

I think it’s important to hold space for people who are healing. When you hold space for others to do the work of transforming you create space in yourself to do the same. We love to box people in, we love it so much we do it to ourselves. We resist change because we’re afraid of disappointment, we’re afraid of being wrong. But where is the expansion in a fear based reality like that? Where is the possibility? I can and I am transformed. I can and I am healing. Even if it will take sometime for everyone to adjust to the pace I’m currently navigating my reality, it won’t change a thing. And as much as I would love for the ones I love to create as much space for this being human as I do for them, it doesn’t alter my progress. I want my mistakes to shine like armor because I went to battle making them

And was brave enough to do so In order to find out who I really am and what I’m really made of. I really find a sense of pride and accomplishment in that. And as much as I would like to be seen for who I am now and not who I’ve been in the past It does NOT CHANGE WHO I HAVE BECOME. I have to be the one who is sure of that. I have to be the one who validates my journey. That’s what’s most important.

Do not be discouraged by the way those around you view your progress. If they can’t see the butterfly that’s gracefully landed before them, continue to soar and stretch your brand new wings anyways. You are a beautiful thing to behold. The world would only be so lucky to be greeted by the gentle touch of transformation floating so near and yet so far. Do the hard work. Change the expectations Stretch your mind. Expand. Knit your chrysalis. Hold space for others to do the same. Only love and compassion will get us all our wings.