The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

PARADIGMS OF INTERDEPENDENCE

There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without

integrity.

SAMUEL JOHNSON

Before moving into the area of public victory, we should remember that effective

interdependence can only be built on a foundation of true independence. Private Victory

precedes Public Victory. Algebra comes before calculus.

As we look back and survey the terrain to determine where we’ve been and where we are in

relationship to where we’re going, we clearly see that we could not have gotten where we are

without coming the way we came. There aren’t any other roads; there aren’t any shortcuts.

There’s no way to parachute into this terrain. The landscape ahead is covered with the fragments

of broken relationships of people who have tried. They’ve tried to jump into effective

relationships without the maturity, the strength of character, to maintain them.

But you just can’t do it; you simply have to travel the road. You can’t be successful with other

people if you haven’t paid the price of success with yourself.

***

A few years ago when I was giving a seminar on the Oregon coast, a man came up to me and

said, “You know, Stephen, I really don’t enjoy coming to these seminars.” He had my attention.

“Look at everyone else here,” he continued. “Look at this beautiful coastline and the sea out

there and all that’s happening. And all I can do is sit and worry about the grilling I’m going to

get from my wife tonight on the phone.

“She gives me the third degree every time I’m away. Where did I eat breakfast? Who else was

there? Was I in meetings all morning? When did we stop for lunch? What did I do during lunch?

How did I spend the afternoon? What did I do for entertainment in the evening? Who was with

me? What did we talk about?

“And what she really wants to know, but never quite asks, is who she can call to verify

everything I tell her. She just nags me and questions everything I do whenever I’m away. It’s

taken the bloom out of this whole experience. I really don’t enjoy it at all.”

He did look pretty miserable. We talked for a while, and then he made a very interesting

comment. “I guess she knows all the questions to ask,” he said a little sheepishly. “It was at a

seminar like this that I met her… when I was married to someone else!”

I considered the implications of his comment and then said, “You’re kind of into ‘quick fix,’

aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?” he replied.

“Well, you’d like to take a screwdriver and just open up your wife’s head and rewire that

attitude of hers really fast, wouldn’t you?”

“Sure, I’d like her to change,” he exclaimed. “I don’t think it’s right for her to constantly grill

me like she does.”

“My friend,” I said, “you can’t talk your way out of problems you behave yourself into.”

***

We’re dealing with a very dramatic and very fundamental paradigm shift here. You may try to

lubricate your social interactions with personality techniques and skills, but in the process, you

may truncate the vital character base. You can’t have the fruits without the roots. It’s the

principle of sequencing: Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Self-mastery and selfdiscipline

are the foundation of good relationships with others.

Some people say that you have to like yourself before you can like others. I think that idea has

merit, but if you don’t know yourself, if you don’t control yourself, if you don’t have mastery

over yourself, it’s very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up, superficial

way.

Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from true independence. And that’s the

focus of Habits 1, 2, and 3. Independence is an achievement. Interdependence is a choice only

independent people can make. Unless we are willing to achieve real independence, it’s foolish to

try to develop human relations skills. We might try. We might even have some degree of success

when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come—and they will—we won’t have the

foundation to keep things together.

The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do,

but what we are. And if our words and our actions come from superficial human relations

techniques (the Personality Ethic) rather than from our own inner core (the Character Ethic),

others will sense that duplicity. We simply won’t be able to create and sustain the foundation

necessary for effective interdependence.

The techniques and skills that really make a difference in human interaction are the ones that

almost naturally flow from a truly independent character. So the place to begin building any

relationship is inside ourselves, inside our Circle of Influence, our own character. As we become

independent—proactive, centered in correct principles, value driven and able to organize and

execute around the priorities in our life with integrity—we then can choose to become

interdependent—capable of building rich, enduring, highly productive relationships with other

people.

As we look at the terrain ahead, we see that we’re entering a whole new dimension.

Interdependence opens up worlds of possibilities for deep, rich, meaningful associations, for

geometrically increased productivity, for serving, for contributing, for learning, for growing. But

it is also where we feel the greatest pain, the greatest frustration, the greatest roadblocks to

happiness and success. And we’re very aware of that pain because it is acute.

We can often live for years with the chronic pain of our lack of vision, leadership or

management in our personal lives. We feel vaguely uneasy and uncomfortable and occasionally

take steps to ease the pain, at least for a time. Because the pain is chronic, we get used to it, we

learn to live with it.

But when we have problems in our interactions with other people, we’re very aware of acute

pain—it’s often intense, and we want it to go away.

That’s when we try to treat the symptoms with quick fixes and techniques—the Band-Aids of

the Personality Ethic. We don’t understand that the acute pain is an outgrowth of the deeper,

chronic problem. And until we stop treating the symptoms and start treating the problem, our

efforts will only bring counterproductive results. We will only be successful at obscuring the

chronic pain even more.

Now, as we think of effective interaction with others, let’s go back to our earlier definition of

effectiveness. We’ve said it’s the P/PC balance, the fundamental concept in the story of the

goose and the golden egg.

In an interdependent situation, the golden eggs are the effectiveness, the wonderful synergy,

the results created by open communication and positive interaction with others. And to get those

eggs on a regular basis, we need to take care of the goose. We need to create and care for the

relationships that make those results realities.

So before we descend from our point of reconnaissance and get into Habits 4, 5, and 6, I

would like to introduce what I believe to be a very powerful metaphor in describing relationships

and in defining the P/PC balance in an interdependent reality.