The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Relationships

From the foundation of character, we build and maintain Win/Win relationships. The trust, the

Emotional Bank Account, is the essence of Win/Win. Without trust, the best we can do is

compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning and communication

and real creativity.

But if our Emotional Bank Account is high, credibility is no longer an issue. Enough deposits

have been made so that you know and I know that we deeply respect each other. We’re focused

on the issues, not on personalities or positions.

Because we trust each other, we’re open. We put our cards on the table. Even though we see

things differently, I know that you’re willing to listen with respect while I describe the young

woman to you, and you know that I’ll treat your description of the old woman with the same

respect. We’re both committed to try to understand each other’s point of view deeply and to

work together for the Third Alternative, the synergistic solution, that will be a better answer for

both of us.

A relationship where bank accounts are high and both parties are deeply committed to

Win/Win is the ideal springboard for tremendous synergy (Habit 6). That relationship neither

makes the issues any less real or important, nor eliminates the differences in perspective. But it

does eliminate the negative energy normally focused on differences in personality and position

and creates a positive, cooperative energy focused on thoroughly understanding the issues and

resolving them in a mutually beneficial way.

But what if that kind of relationship isn’t there? What if you have to work out an agreement

with someone who hasn’t even heard of Win/Win and is deeply scripted in Win/Lose or some

other philosophy?

Dealing with Win/Lose is the real test of Win/Win. Rarely is Win/Win easily achieved in any

circumstance. Deep issues and fundamental differences have to be dealt with. But it is much

easier when both parties are aware of and committed to it and where there is a high Emotional

Bank Account in the relationship.

When you’re dealing with a person who is coming from a paradigm of Win/Lose, the

relationship is still the key. The place to focus is on your Circle of Influence. You make deposits

into the Emotional Bank Account through genuine courtesy, respect, and appreciation for that

person and for the other point of view. You stay longer in the communication process. You listen

more, you listen in greater depth. You express yourself with greater courage. You aren’t reactive.

You go deeper inside yourself for strength of character to be proactive. You keep hammering it

out until the other person begins to realize that you genuinely want the resolution to be a real win

for both of you. That very process is a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account.

And the stronger you are—the more genuine your character, the higher your level of

proactivity, the more committed you really are to Win/Win—the more powerful your influence

will be with that other person. This is the real test of interpersonal leadership. It goes beyond

transactional leadership into transformational leadership, transforming the individuals involved

as well as the relationship.

Because Win/Win is a principle people can validate in their own lives, you will be able to

bring most people to a realization that they will win more of what they want by going for what

you both want. But there will be a few who are so deeply embedded in the Win/Lose mentality

that they just won’t think Win/Win. So remember that No Deal is always an option. Or you may

occasionally choose to go for the low form of Win/Win—compromise.

It’s important to realize that not all decisions need to be Win/Win, even when the Emotional

Bank Account is high. Again, the key is the relationship. If you and I worked together, for

example, and you were to come to me and say, “Stephen, I know you won’t like this decision. I

don’t have time to explain it to you, let alone get you involved. There’s a good possibility you’ll

think it’s wrong. But will you support it?”

If you had a positive Emotional Bank Account with me, of course I’d support it. I’d hope you

were right and I was wrong. I’d work to make your decision work.

But if the Emotional Bank Account weren’t there, and if I were reactive, I wouldn’t really

support it. I might say I would to your face, but behind your back I wouldn’t be very

enthusiastic. I wouldn’t make the investment necessary to make it succeed. “It didn’t work,” I’d

say. “So what do you want me to do now?”

If I were overreactive, I might even torpedo your decision and do what I could to make sure

others did too. Or I might become “maliciously obedient” and do exactly and only what you tell

me to do, accepting no responsibility for results.

During the five years I lived in Great Britain, I saw that country brought twice to its knees

because the train conductors were maliciously obedient in following all the rules and procedures

written on paper.

An agreement means very little in letter without the character and relationship base to sustain

it in spirit. So we need to approach Win/Win from a genuine desire to invest in the relationships

that make it possible.

Agreements

From relationships flow the agreements that give definition and direction to Win/Win. They

are sometimes called performance agreements or partnership agreements, shifting the paradigm

of productive interaction from vertical to horizontal, from hovering supervision to selfsupervision,

from positioning to being partners in success.

Win/Win agreements cover a wide scope of interdependent interaction. We discussed one

important application when we talked about delegation in the “Green and Clean” story in Habit

3. The same five elements we listed there provide the structure for Win/Win agreements between

employers and employees, between independent people working together on projects, between

groups of people cooperatively focused on a common objective, between companies and

suppliers—between any people who need to interact to accomplish. They create an effective way

to clarify and manage expectations between people involved in any interdependent endeavor.

In the Win/Win agreement, the following five elements are made very explicit:

Desired results (not methods) identify what is to be done and when.

Guidelines specify the parameters (principles, policies, etc.) within which results are to be accomplished.

Resources identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational support available to help accomplish the results.

Accountability sets up the standards of performance and the time of evaluation.

Consequences specify—good and bad, natural and logical—what does and will happen as a result of the evaluation.

These five elements give Win/Win agreements a life of their own. A clear mutual

understanding and agreement up front in these areas creates a standard against which people can

measure their own success.

Traditional authoritarian supervision is a Win/Lose paradigm. It’s also the result of an

overdrawn Emotional Bank Account. If you don’t have trust or a common vision of desired

results, you tend to hover over, check up on, and direct. Trust isn’t there, so you feel as though

you have to control people.

But if the trust account is high, what is your method? Get out of their way. As long as you

have an up-front Win/Win agreement and they know exactly what is expected, your role is to be

a source of help and to receive their accountability reports.

It is much more ennobling to the human spirit to let people judge themselves than to judge

them. And in a high trust culture, it’s much more accurate. In many cases people know in their

hearts how things are going much better than the records show. Discernment is often far more

accurate than either observation or measurement.