That Spark 2.0

Almost a week ago I came to the conclusion I’ve never felt home. The first sentence of the last paragraph was; "I've come along way from where I was." At the time, I barely grasped how well I have handled the hurdles. Whether I jumped them with ease or I was thrown at it.

That's the thing with healing and finding ourselves. We will constantly be learning new information about those layers we've covered ourselves up with. We don't have to peel all those layers at once, we have to wait till it is ready. You should never pick at your scabs/wounds instead you take care of them. You wrap them up in bandaid and maybe put cream to release some of that pain. Just because it’s covered in cream, doesn't mean they'll be healed. We still need to look after it and change the band-aid. When the wounds are healed, you’ll know.

As I grew up I had to be on a lookout for danger and expecting the worst. Especially from people who were supposed to protect me. I've come to terms that there are just things we cannot control or will ever have the control over. I am no longer going to spend my time and energy on things I cannot control. I know I've done the work and I was not willing to feel like I was stuck in hell forever. So I kept going. Practising is the key. It always will be. When I had a slip up I starting treating myself the way I’d comfort a child. The thing I’ve found is that most of my destructive behaviours came from how I’ve made the blueprint of who I thought I needed to be. Because I never felt enough and having the capacity to love myself.

We have covered ourselves with layers like onions and there is no deadline to when you need to be peeled off. This isn't those last-minute assessments you'd have to do the night before it was due. This will be different; it'll be steadily learning compassion, forgiveness and understanding ourselves. I'm not going to sugar coat it; it is daunting and confronting. That’s why you must go at your own pace. There were times I felt that I've reached my final destination and I'll be stuck in this uncomfortable and being indecisiveness. My conclusion, for now, is that I will continue changing and it is my job to make those changes beneficial for me.

I had my second encounter with isolation; it gave me a different perspective on all the things I thought I had a clear understanding. It's like having to retrieve something in other room and realising you have forgotten something else. You get this feeling of frustration spreading through you and maybe cursing a few 'fudges**' here and there. But initially, you get that not so forgotten item because that is one of the reasons you got up. As you plop yourself back to couch, you're relief that you got the item. That feeling of frustration has faded without you realising.

It was wild and a mix of odd how my two worlds merged into one. As I was visiting my old high school and one of the teachers from the psych ward was waiting at reception. I was stunned; I never expected to see her, let alone at my old high school. Where the stage of one of the biggest role I played. I would have never had this revolution about myself. I have come a long way. I have. Me knowing that is more than enough.

Nobody is a better expert on ourselves but ourselves. Simple as it sounds a little slippery to grasp.

** Friendly and more delicious curse word.