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Thanksgiving 2020

My 30th Birthday

By Nerissa McCollinPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Transition to Thirty

It is November 26th, 2020. I can't believe that it's been 30 years I have been on this earth. This is amazing in so many ways.

On my 30th birthday, I reflect on everything that I have experienced so far. I've loved. I've lost. I've lost people to this pandemic. I've lost myself at times. I've laughed. I've cried. I've doubted myself. I've had faith in myself. It's been an emotional roller coaster but also a learning experience.

Every year on my birthday, I think about family. It just so happens that it's in the Thanksgiving season, but where I'm from we don't celebrate this holiday. When I lived at home, my birthday symbolized end-of-term exams. It symbolized cake and ice cream for my classmates and teammates. It symbolized togetherness for me. Here in America, it's the complete opposite. It symbolizes being alone. It symbolizes thoughts of depression. It symbolizes thoughts of success along with thoughts of failure.

I think of how my paternal grandmother tried to kill me in the womb by attempting to push my mother down a flight of stairs. I think about how much of a wimp my father had to be to not claim me or fight harder for me. I think about my grandmother trying to turn my brother against me (his wife eventually did that). I think about them not telling my sister about me until I was 10 years old. Beliefs of not being wanted begin to creep up. I always ask myself who is supposed to want me when my own flesh and blood tried to end me? I ask myself what is family when family tends to do you wrong? All my life, I've formulated what family is supposed to mean, what love is supposed to mean, what friendship is supposed to mean, and now I fight to look at all the good things in my life and try to accept all the good.

A mentor once told me that I never take the time to appreciate the good around me because I'm always preparing to combat the worst if it happens. And it's true. I'm learning to balance the good and the bad in my life. Ultimately, I bring myself back to appreciating me. I'm alive. I'm healthy. I have a job. I'm in my right mind. I'm a dancer. I'm a girlfriend. I'm an aunt and godmother (and a damn good one, too). I'm a business owner. I'm a great friend. I'm a bomb-ass sister. I'm a great human being. I have to remember that my value, my worth, and my peace are important. I have to remember that I am not hurting anyone if I'm making sure that I am okay. I have a kind soul and amazing spirit and I have to do what works for me because at the end of the day, I have to live and love for me.

Welcome to thirty! I promise to continue to work hard, make my plans successful, protect my peace, continue to be kind, and not let my problems get the best of me.

healing
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