Tapping into pain, to find my inspiration

Chronic illness hits like a ten-tonne juggernaut!

Bam and life seems to never be the same. Yet, it isn't all a story of woe- nor a total disaster (if I am honest).

2021 and the worst of the Pandemic sees behind us, and I come to the end of my degree at Warwick University. It has been a hard slog, stressful, but an amazing journey.

I felt elated at having completed a degree in my late 40s, with a family in toe and a pandemic to boot. Overcoming many challenges along the way - a lack of resources (due to lockdowns), no face-to-face teaching, and having to home-school a 7-year-old too. It was a wonder that I got through it, let alone pass with a very respectable grade.

As a celebrated my 2:1, the lack of studying presented me with an unexpected problem.

The pain that I had managed to zone out returned with a vengeance, and I found myself really struggling. As days turned into weeks, and weeks into months; it was clear that this pain just wasn't going away. After a considerable number of scans and other tests, it was confirmed that I had Arthritis of the spine. My mobility started suffering and I felt exhausted by it all.

It felt like all my dreams, post-university, were crushed.

Yet, I knew that I couldn't roll over and give in to this chronic illness. I needed to find a way to live with it. I needed to give myself a proverbial kick up the backside- and stop wallowing in a pool of self-pity.

No, it really wasn't easy.

But little by little I trained myself to accept my condition and to find another dream, to replace the one chronic illness had stolen. I found the poetry in me. Over the two years that followed, I wrote a whole heap of poetry. Sharing it with family and friends.

Writing poetry helped me find myself again.

Poetry literally saved me- because I find it super cathartic and a fantastic way to express all the emotions that whiz around my head. It is my safe space, my expressive space, and my passion (all rolled into one).

My pain has inspired me, in more ways than one. I find much poetical inspiration from examining the feelings of pain. Also in looking at how others may perceive me, now that I have chronic illness. Yet, I am still me (underneath the pain). Nor does my pain have to totally define me.

Through writing poetry, I found an internal strength that I never imagined was there. A strength that can get through each day, each week, and each month. I know that my pain will always be there, but focusing on my passion for writing helps me to numb it a little. Making it a little more bearable.

Every day I write at least one poem. Sometimes I find the inspiration to write lots of poetry in a single day. My poetry comes when it chooses to,it cannot be forced.

I have found several sites for sharing my poetry and have even entered a few poetry competitions. Whilst I may be no Pam Ayres, my style is unique to me and seems to bring joy to those who read them.

My motto in life is: If I can bring a smile to people's faces, then I have achieved much. If I one day manage to make some money from my poetry, then that will be an added bonus.

My future seems no longer dim nor ruined, and instead, I feel excited about what may yet be to come.