Tapping In

I do not even know where to begin to describe the feelings as of lately. They have literally been all over the place from up down happy sad miserable to elated. Maybe not so much elated, but short moments of okay-ness. So, this is nothing new, I always seem to meet myself at this place when I start to get antsy. I’m sure many can relate as of now due to good ol’ quarantining. However, this feeling was happening long before the COVID era.

I have a hard time staying grounded, I consider myself to be a flighty person. You know the type that doesn’t like to be anywhere too long. I have big dreams and a vivid imagination that is way too massive for where I currently live. So far, I have been back in my hometown for about six years now. I for sure thought I would be making my way to a new location by now since graduating from college in 2015. Let’s just say it has been a long run in finding my niche, finding my courage through creativity, and navigating this thing called life being a person called an “adult.” Since graduating I have held more than 10 jobs from salaried state jobs, education, call centers, to factory work. All by choice, I am the person that is in the job for the experience/ challenge not the check. I must get more from a job than money, I am talking personal fulfilment.

However, I have learned I cannot expect to find total completion in my job unless my job is my work. Work being my life’s purpose aka my gift from God i.e., my talents. Your work is what one is born to do. It’s like you have to birth it from inside of you it doesn’t just happen to you. Your work will not let you be fired from it and no one can take it away from you. However, a job is the complete opposite. I learned this saying from the late Dr. Miles Monroe’s seminars. Before I was aware of this, I worked a lot of places and one of them being for a school district that served the homeless population. At this time, I struggled with being there because I knew God had something better for me, I just did not know what it was yet. I did know I was doing a job that mattered and somehow my work was tied into it but that was not “it.”

November 2018-

So once again my boss asks me what am I going to do and that this is our last conversation about it. I told her that I would stay if I can get a full-time position but if not, I'm out. So, by the end of the week, she tells me she is having a hard time getting my salary where it needs to be because it does not fall into the experience income scale used by the organization. So, I immediately go to oh shoot here comes the bull, so I start to feel set up and in my feelings like why I get my hopes up. So, I then began to look online at Indeed jobs in Colorado and I start planning my life in Colorado and what things will look like and even looking for housing there. Because at this point, I’m moving I'm taking a drastic step and its happening something big is going to happen. Deep down I knew this was only a temporary imaginary escape to hope. No more wasting time no more waiting on others to make my dreams happen on empty promises. I wanted to work with children and share my love of art with them. I dreamed of tapping into the world of real estate photography or better yet landscape/ wildlife photography. I needed to take a chance at selling my artwork or photography photos and honing my natural writing abilities. But all the while inside I feel like my emotions and everything is in a whirlwind due to all that is happening currently. From needing my own place, my turbulent relationship with my mother, and needing to find a new job for a shorter commute and benefits. The fact that my social life was drier than the Sahara desert did not help and it feeling as though my virginity is growing back is tragic. Someone HELP!

At this time, I was experiencing a block in my creative outlets. I allowed worry to consume me and was paralyzed in the fear of what ifs. What I learned at this stage in my life is that I must create my opportunities sometimes there is not going to be people or places doing the things I want to do so why not create them? Another thing I learned is once an opportunity has passed it has passed. Make the impact while you can and while its fresh don’t wait until when x y z happens. Most importantly, make sure what you do everyday serves your highest good. Constantly ask yourself if this were my last day on Earth would I be content how I have lived my life. If the answer is yes keep going but if the answer is no start looking to change some things around in your life for more peace.

Needless to say I eventually left the position and landed a job as a summer school art teacher for the YMCA and then an after school director for high school students who I was able to share my love of photography, dance, and yoga with. It took me taking a chance leaving my zone of comfort and uncertainty to step into something I dreamed of doing at that time. Although I will say I was not making the salary or the benefits I wanted. The experience and knowledge I gain from sharing something I love with others fulfilled me in the deepest way.