Talk Thirty to Me

Since I've rounded the corner in the final lap of my twenties hitting the big 3-0, I’ve become rather nostalgic and have taken a look at the last decade through a retrospective lens where I see various versions of myself come to life and die by means of growth. That’s not to sound morbid or anything but it’s true—who doesn't grow into different versions of themselves as they get older? Experiencing life in it's rawest form, being an adult meant falling in love, heartbreak, careers, quarter-life crises, making life long friends and losing friends I've had all my life. With some great stories under my belt—here are some of the lessons my twenties have taught me:

1. I’m amazing but I’m not for everyone

I’ll preface this one with sharing that I am a Gemini (please don’t run away just yet). So, I would say I have a strong personality. I’m adaptable, inquisitive, charming, spontaneous and most importantly—straight-forward. That last one has sunk me in hot water at times considering I'm someone who speaks frankly. I'm empathetic yet honest and can easily recognize inauthenticity. However, lessons were learned and it’s really about keeping those who accept all facets of your personality in your corner. My adaptability allows me to get along with different personalities in any setting; it’s easy to match someone’s energy and spark a conversation about almost anything—many people view that as being “two-faced” and/or “fake”. My spontaneity keeps things exciting for me. Trying new things and seeing new places is necessary—but is “too last minute” for many, which is cool too, I acknowledge the differences in lifestyles.

As these characteristics became more prominent in my personality, I began to notice friendships grew apart, relationships failed, and family dynamics shifted. All in which are a part of life and growing up and through those growing pains I developed a stronger sense of self and have amazing friends who have become family. The biggest takeaway from this realization is that it's not my job to make others like me, it's my job to be the best version of myself and come to find I'm actually pretty awesome, I’m just not everyone’s cup o’ tea and that okay…because I prefer coffee anyway.

2. Always trust yourself first

If there is one thing I learned throughout these 10 years is to always trust my intuition. Make a decision because it feels right not because of some external influence. Not to care how other people are telling me how to do something or take their opinion so close to heart when making a decision. I had always needed some kind of validation to know I was making the right one. I didn’t trust myself or my intuition. It was too unknown for my liking. I needed to know the next step. What happens next? What’s the plan if this or that happens? Rather than just trusting myself and saying “no” when things didn’t feel right. After years of learning the hard way and essentially going against my intuition I was at a point where I felt I had nothing to lose. I took a major leap of faith and quit my job, moved back home and as scared as I was, I knew it would work out. The anxiety I felt wasn't so much apprehension but rather excitement and readiness for what's to come. I moved back in December, got offered a better job in February of 2020 and who would've thought that the world was going to go into a global pandemic the very next month? Had I not taken that jump I would've been stuck at in a city I hated and working at a job that made me miserable! I believe everything happens for a reason and now instead of looking externally for validation, I look internally and trust I'll make the right decision.

3. Sometimes a good SOLID CRY is all you need

When life used to get me down it would feel like the whole world was tumbling down on me and I wasn’t going to make it through whatever hurdle I was enduring at the time—I’d get angry, anxious and start crying. I would always try to avoid crying as a saw it as a sign of weakness and not being able to logically deal with my problems. But as I grew older and adult life became more prominent as did the issues life throws at you, I started to notice after every time I would cry—and I mean weeping, can’t breathe CRY—I always felt better. I was able to think more clearly and would always tell myself “everything is going to be okay,” because it always would be. Allowing myself to exert those emotions is just what I needed, and it wasn’t weak at all—it was necessary. My perception of crying being weak quickly changed after I noticed that it actually made me feel better so screw it. Being in tuned with my emotions is now something I consider a strength.

4. The difference between reacting and responding

I’m a passionate person—all the way around and it took me a long time to figure out how to properly channel that passion into various aspects of my life, whether that included family dynamics, friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships and acquaintances. When faced with adversity I was quick to follow my emotions and didn’t give myself time to look at the bigger picture and generate a well thought out, logical response—instead I trusted whatever I was feeling and was convinced I needed to do something to waive those emotions and would blindly react to many situations. Learning to respond meant sitting with my thoughts and emotions and allowing myself to even generate a response that would communicate my side rather than make things worse--which happened--a lot. Reacting vs. responding was a big one for me and is an ongoing learning process.

5. You have to be on your own side—no matter what

This one dives deep into the self-love bucket—but is necessary. The love and attention I sought from others is the love and attention I needed from myself. I spent years seeking external validation from others and I still always felt half empty, I was too hard on myself and didn’t speak kindly to myself when things didn’t go my way. I lost friends and close family members I thought would stick around forever, especially going into 30—but that’s life and people move on. I had to really learn how to be there for myself when life got tough and unlearn the hatred I spewed at myself when things didn’t go according to plan. Being on my own side meant learning how to speak kindly to myself, acknowledging I may not be okay right now but I will be in the future, taking care of my physiological needs when I can’t do much else and always always always choosing myself and my happiness first.

6. “It doesn’t get easier—you just get better”

A really good friend of mine told me that when I went to work out at his gym and was lying on the floor almost dead and I asked him “when does it get easier?!” to which he responded, “it doesn’t get easier—you just get better” and it has stuck with me ever since. Although he was referring to the workout, I always find myself going back to it throughout various aspects of my life. Through the struggles, the tears and the anger, the situation might not be the most pleasant but each time I still know I’m going to be okay and get through it. I really couldn’t say that ten years ago. 20-year-old me fostered some sort of toxic optimism and didn’t accept the reality of certain situations and that caused a lot of unnecessary emotional distress. As I got older and naturally went through life’s struggles as well as rewards, I got better at acknowledging reality even when it wasn’t as pleasant as I wanted it to be. I don’t entertain any form of denial as a form of protection. Not everything is all good or all bad, it’s a mixture of both and that’s what life is all about and I was always on one side or the other, it took a really long time to reach a middle ground.

7. Comparison truly is the thief of joy

This one is an ongoing struggle but as I navigate through life and shed old layers of myself while adopting new attributes into my personality, I’ve come to realize that I spent the majority of my twenties comparing myself or aspects of my life to others’. I’ve compared the way I look, how many friends I had, how often I traveled, my job, my relationships—you name it. I would compare it to someone I thought was more worthy of those things than I was and would get down on myself when I didn’t have them the way I wanted to or if they didn’t resemble that of someone else’s. As I continue to love and accept myself, I realize that in comparing my life to others I didn’t see the beauty in the life that I had been creating for myself. I had a college professor who stated once that everyone is on their own path in their life at their own pace and there’s no point in comparing because where you are on your journey is different than where someone else is in theirs. It really takes away the pressure I’ve placed on myself to be in a certain spot by a certain age.

8. It’s okay to say “no” without an explanation

This one is one of my favorites. It’s so simple and extremely liberating. I’ve spent hours stressing over which excuse I was going to use to get out of plans when I could’ve simply and kindly said no, thank you. It has nothing to do with the people or the plans per se, sometimes I just prefer to stay home and not even turn on my social meter. Aside from socializing, learning to say no without an explanation goes for any situation—as stated before, trust yourself first and sometimes that means saying no without feeling guilty.

Now, the list goes on and on...and as it gets longer, I will continue to grow in all the ways life has to offer. As much as I love twenty-something-me, I bid her farewell and eagerly head straight into this new age with new lessons, hoping to make all older versions of myself proud.