Stepping into My Power

One moment I’m sitting in my bed with tea in one hand and my phone in the other mindlessly scrolling on the internet and the next I’m nose deep in my laptop typing away fueled by courage and inspiration. All of the words I’ve been hoarding in my journals, my notes app, random saved word docs—all coming to life as I step into the arena, step into my power and answer my call to courage.

Growing up I always had a love for words. Writing and reading were my favorite subjects in school, and I would always correct people’s grammar in my head when I listened to them speak. We had the TAAS testing back when I was in grade school so that’s totally giving away my age but who cares? We had the Texas Assessment of Academic Skills YA’LL and while I was a pretty decent test taker, the essay portion of the test was always my favorite. I loved bringing a story to life and seeing it play out as I wrote it down on the paper. That love continued throughout middle school, high school and especially in college where I majored in journalism.

I’ve always known I wanted to be a writer and even remember telling myself when I was a kid that I was going to write a book when I was a grown up. I didn’t know what I was going to write about, but I knew that one day there was going to be a book with my name listed as the author.

When I was a senior in high school, I began working retail because as a teenager I wanted to make my own money and establish my independence. Which 16-year-old didn’t? I became tenured and got promoted, switched companies, got promoted again, traveled, opened stores, trained and developed, networked, got promoted again. So here we are 12 years later currently a retail store manager. Pretty far from the picture I painted of myself as an author isn’t it?

It’s not to say I didn’t do any writing. I interned in college for public relations, did free-lance work for a few local publications and posted some poetry online but nonetheless my priorities lay in my retail career. That was my steady income and what paid my bills, got me out of my parent’s house and has essentially provided security for the entirety of my adult life.

The only thing that was missing—was the fulfillment I got from writing and telling a story. I was convinced the only way I could call myself a writer or have any credibility was to be affiliated with an established publication as one of their staff writers or reporters. I applied for countless reporting jobs and free-lance positions none in which called me back. How could I be a writer?

I finally got to a point where I told myself “if you want to write, just write. Find a topic, dive into it and post it.” I signed up for WordPress and AllPoetry yet, I was still very selective of the stories I wanted to tell or the poems I wanted to post. I was afraid that being that vulnerable would bring on so much criticism and judgement I would click save and close the laptop.

I did that for years.

It wasn’t until I came across Brené Brown’s Netflix special The Call to Courage. I know everyone says this when they come across an inspirational speech or quote, even Brené says it, but I really feel like there’s my life before that special and my life now—after watching it…multiple times.

If you’ve seen the special, you know that it’s hilariously brilliant from beginning to end. She tells the story of studying vulnerability and shame yet she herself was scared of being just that—vulnerable. It wasn’t until her world-renowned TED talk on shame and vulnerability that she really “put herself out there” per se and essentially faced her fears.

“The fear of shame, the fear of criticism was so great in my life up until that point. I mean, just paralyzing, that I engineered smallness in my life.”

ENGINEERED SMALLNESS IN MY LIFE. We’ll dissect that one in a minute.

Following her talk in Houston she described having a “vulnerability hangover” in which she felt it was the worst 20 minutes of her life and when finding it had gone viral, that fear of criticism had taken over. During this “hangover” Brené, like most of us do, “numbed” with eating peanut butter and watching Downton Abbey. That led to researching the show and time period including who was President at the time. She then explains how she had a “God moment”. That moment being when she came across the speech from Theodore Roosevelt: The Man in the Arena.

Just as I stated before, Brené said “there is my life before that quote and my life after that quote.”

Now, as much as I could write about the whole special, this isn’t a review. The point is the way she described her “God moment” when coming across that Theodore Roosevelt speech is the exact same feeling I experienced when I came across her work and talks.

Going back to the quote on “engineering smallness in my life”—not wanting to enter the arena because I’ve been afraid of truly stepping into my power, being brave with my life and all the things I want to do with it. I stuck to retail because it was safe and steady. By choosing comfort over courage I’ve engineered 29 years of smallness. I chose to not be vulnerable. or brave with my life.

I’m a storyteller, that’s what I love to do, and I think I’m pretty great at it. After watching The Call to Courage and her Ted Talks on vulnerability and shame, I want to finally step into the arena. Words are my power and I want to share my stories with the world. I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to be brave, so here we go. Join me.