Surviving

It was 1994, I was 17 years old and I thought I had found my soulmate. Little did I know that when I fast forward my life 10 years up that I would have went through (and survived) everything that I did. As I look back, I realize now that I was thriving off of the attention I was getting from my "soulmate".

When I was in school I never got attention from guys, much less dated anyone. I was always envious of the popular girls that flaunted their "boy toys". You know the type: cheerleaders, party girls, etc. Now that I finally had my first boyfriend and was receiving attention from someone of the opposite sex I was on top of the world. As the years passed I realized that he had a problem with jealousy and his hands when mixed with alcohol. I went through years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. At his hands I suffered black eyes that were swollen as big as baseballs, a broken nose, cracked jawbones, cuts in the top of my head from being slammed into a closet hook, not to mention the verbal abuse of being called fat, ugly, useless, worthless, and unwanted. Co-workers would tell me I deserved better and offer to help me leave, just for me to be so scared of failure that I would go back. After the birth of my first son I remember being so scared one night that I bundled my son up and tried to leave. But because he always found a way to make me lose every thing I had I no longer had a car. So I took off walking with my son in my arms across the yard. The next thing I knew I felt a sting of pain in the back of my leg. He had shot me with a BB gun. I guess I should just be thankful that it was not a real gun. Needless to say that stopped me in my tracks and I was taken back home.

About three years later after a bad episode a lady we will call Wendy offered for me and my son to come live with her until I could get on my feet. Luckily Tax time was only a few months away. I left and when he found out he started causing her problems in her life. Being the kind of person I am, I felt like it was best for me to go back so that he would leave her alone. She begged me not to go back but told me that she would always be there for me and when I was sick and tired and had had enough that I would leave on my own. Needless to say it took me 10 years to do it. When I finally left and stayed gone I had to deal with him breaking into my house, ripping up my clothes, slicing my tires, stalking me, and beating me when he would catch me with my guard down. I was scared and constantly looking over my shoulder. Because of my fear and the fact of not being able to trust a man, I have only had three serious relationships since I took back my life. With all three of them I was either used for a free ride or cheated on (typically both at the same time).

I always wondered in the back of my mind how was I going to make it. I now had a seven year old son and I was a single mother struggling to make ends meet. I worked two and three jobs at a time, bouncing checks to make sure my child was taken care of. I had my pride and refused to ask people for help. We went without power, ate hot dogs and ramen noodles for weeks at a time, and bought our clothes at Goodwill, but we always made a way. I hated myself for putting my child through that kind of life, but I had to realize that at least we were alive and not being beaten or disgraced on a daily basis.

Now speed forward to present day, the same "soulmate" and I have been split-up for 21+ years, but because of his trials and tribulations after I left he is 11 years sober and my best male friend. People often ask me, "How can you still be friends with him after what he put you through"? To which my answer is simple... "If I want to go on to a better place in the next life then I have to forgive him. Forgiving him doesn't mean I will forget what he done or what I went through, but if I don't forgive him then I will continue to let the past control my future." Now yes, don't get me wrong. I still have trust issues that will probably prevent me from ever having a happy, meaningful relationship with another man and considering I'm not getting any younger I wonder if I will ever get married. I do long for the married life like all my friends have, but at the same time I have been single and set in my ways for so long that I don't know if I could ever live with someone again.

Things happen to people all the time, but it's how you deal with it that makes the difference. I continue to live my life through the standards I was raised with. And no, I'm no where near perfect. I still make mistakes, but the key for me is to learn from them. I have two wonderful sons and I just want to instill within them the right way to live and treat people. You have to give respect in order to get it and I always try to treat people the way I want to be treated.