Surrender

When I was younger, I often felt like I was "too much" for everyone, while simultaneously feeling "not enough" for anyone. I was desperate for love and belonging, and assumed a lack of those feelings had to be attributed to my personal shortcomings. I desperately wanted to fix whatever problems were preventing me from achieving unconditional love and unquestioning belonging.

I am one of four children and grew up in what can only be described as a chaotic household. My parents worked long hours and multiple jobs, and I often felt lost in the mayhem. I am a self-described deep feeler, and felt the deep pains of emotional abandonment, confusion of navigating the bridge to young adulthood, and grappled harshly with finding my way.

The older I grew, the more difficulty it became to unlock this seemingly impossible formula to acceptance. What was the problem? Why was it so difficult for me to find belonging? Was the problem my appearance? I thought so. Maybe my body? Definitely. Was it my personality? For sure. Was it my interests? My academic performance? My skills? Talents? Or lack-there-of? I longed for a simple fix and turned my confusion and pain inward, blaming solely myself for my deep unhappiness.

The more evidence I looked for to explain my apparent shortcomings, the more I retreated into myself- terrified to be seen or heard. I wanted to hide. I wanted to disappear. I started skipping lunch at school and hiding out in the library and even the elevators. I began getting "sick" nearly every day, in an effort to avoid the clawing discomfort of feeling invisible and concurrently exposed for ridicule amongst my peers. I felt trapped, drowning in the void of other people's confounding qualifications for acceptance.

The stress and anxiety of attempting to constantly shape-shift from one person's palatable existence to the next and the next and the next took a massive toll on not only my mental health, but also my self-perception and sense of worth.

At one point, in my late 20's, I found myself looking into the mirror with absolutely no concept of who I was or what I wanted. I had become a sentient culmination of crushing and often conflicting supposed-to-be's. Although I had masked my severe insecurities into disingenuous "friendships" and an Instagram reel of "living my best life", I had developed a severe eating disorder and painfully struggled with chronic bouts of depression and anxiety.

At one point, the pain became too great, and I knew that I couldn't go on like this any longer. I didn't know if there was a God or some higher being, but I was out of ways to mask and dull the amassing and ceaseless pain that had become my life. I needed to purge the sickness of other people's opinions of "good" and "woman" and "right" and "success", and come home to me. With no other options, in the fetal position on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor and sobbing from the deepest depths of my soul, I surrendered.

I surrendered to my inner being, my inner wisdom, and my truest self. I surrendered to what felt good and right to me. I began the journey of self-discovery, unravelling the mass of broken fragments and unearthing what lay dormant beneath.

Surrender is a practice that requires overhauling decades of consistent conditioning that had reinforced the belief that I wasn't worthy of love. This practice is certainly not easy, nor is it pretty, but it feels like a nourishing and safe juxtaposition to the agony of living for others.

Surrender feels like a coming home, a letting go, and a letting be.

Surrender feels like rest and refuge after decades of demanding battle.

Surrender feels like finding my voice and standing in my power with the knowledge that no matter what happens, I will be okay.

Surrender is the inner knowing that I am enough, that I have always been enough, and I no longer need to force myself into confining spaces that simply do not accommodate the expansiveness of all that is me.

Surrender is the grounded consciousness of exploring, and playing, and loving, and experiencing the beautiful contrasts of the human condition.

If you're reading this, I encourage you to surrender to whomever you are-the you that is buried deep down, stripped of all expectations and confining beliefs. Because I am more than willing to bet you are absolutely magnificent.