Something I've learned as an introverted extrovert

There's this great quote by Scoot Spencer: "The only things I regret, and the only things I'll ever regret are things I didn't do. In the end, that's what we mourn. The paths we didn't take. The people we didn't touch".

I'm in my mid 20's now and with 2024 starting off, it's got me thinking about my life. I've been thinking about the things I've accomplished compared to the goals I've set myself throughout the years and it has me feeling anxious.

Maybe it's the toxicity that comes from social media but over the past 2-3 years I've never felt satisfied with myself. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't done anything with my life. I finished school and got a decent job in my field but that's truly the extent of the things I've done. I've never travelled to see the world, I've never had any fun college experiences and there's one word that can encapsulate my problem: loneliness.

Even back in high-school, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Sure I had some close friends here and there and I was able to hope between different groups of friends but now it all felt artificial. As if we only spoke and became well aquatinted because everyone was forced to be together from 8:30am to 3:00pm. The minute the last bell rang, I always bolted out of school to get home. As an introvert at the time I wanted nothing but being at home by myself. But in doing so, it's lead to this weird dilemma where I never formed any long lasting friendships with anyone.

When I started college, only one thing about me changed: I decided that I wasn't going to socialize at all. To this day, I have no idea what lead me to this decision but for all of college, my routine was 1) Go to school 2) Attend lectures 3) Study by myself in a tiny cubical for 3 hours straight 4) Go home.

Here's the plot twist: I found this routine misserable. In the back of my head I yearned to socialize with my fellow class mates but I never had the courage to say hi to anyone. By the time I started trying to socialize and come out of my shell, most people already formed friend groups that I felt I wouldn't be able to enter.

I never attended my graduation ceremony because I didn't think anyone would care if I went or not.

It wasn't too long after the lockdowns started and all the negative emotions of loneliness was amplified by 100. Seeing all the people I've meet supporting each other online while myself having practically no-one to talk to just made things a whole lot worst. It was around this time where I realized the mess I made in terms of my social life.

I took on photography as a side hobby and I find it's really helped me break out of my habit of always hiding at home since taking photos requires me to go outside. I've also began forcing myself to re-learn how to socialize with people by interacting with the people around me (sounds lame, I know but as a former hardcore introvert who's had very minimal human to human interaction for the past 6 years it felt weird having 5 minute conversations with people)

I'd like to say I feel a lot better now. But I can't say it doesn't sting when I go out and see all people around me have such deep bonded relationships. Or when I look on social media and see my old classmates going out together and doing things. I always thought being alone was an amazing thing and now that I want to not be a loner and have my own group of friends, it's practically impossible to get.

So for any fellow introverts who are still in school: Don't do what I did. I feel like I missed out on a lot of cool experiences with great people because I liked being alone. Later down in life, there will be plenty of opportunities to be alone, there isn't going to be a lot of opportunities to make friends.

And for anyone who are a bit older and feel the same way I did. It's not too late. Join and club, visit places that force you engage with people like a coffee shop. It's not too late.