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Solo female walker

how becoming a solo walker is changing my life, part one

By Angie Craig Published 3 years ago 12 min read
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Photo by Sam Burriss on Unsplash

Do our mistakes really make our fate? If that is true, then every mistake I have ever made has led me to this place, but where was that? Last year I was thinking about leaving my husband. Last year I was thinking about my first hike, I was planning and learning. I was ill, I was in pain and wondering what was I doing? Was it a mistake when I bought my first day pack and walking boots? I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I shouldn’t have been spending so much money on myself when there were things like food to buy and it was that overwhelming guilt which led me to not walking at all that weekend, or the next. My day pack and walking boots stayed hidden in my wardrobe for another month, who was I to start spending money on myself? spending days on my own when I should have been rebuilding my relationship with my husband. Was I being selfish? Fact is, I’ve never really been in the driver’s seat of my own life. I’m a people pleaser and would regularly put other people’s needs before my own.

The first day I left for my hike, my anxiety was high, so high in fact that I was meant to walk on the Saturday but after hours of getting up and setting back down, my anxiety defeated me, and I hated myself for that. Every time I headed for the front door, the walls would start caving in on themselves, my temperature would rise, and I would break out into a hot sweat, my mouth would dry and my chest would feel heavy as it became hard to breath. So I would sit down and wait for the moment to pass, but the fact was, the moments bled into hours and before I knew what happened the whole day had passed and I hated myself for that. so that night I got my maps, boots and pack ready because I was going for that solo hike the next day, no matter what!

My alarm went off and I got dressed, grabbed my bag before I could even think about it and left the house without even brushing my teeth, my hair or anything. It was what I needed to do to get out of the house for my first solo walk and it turned out to be one of my favourite and life changing walks to date.

The day I left the house it was 0700 without even having a wash and headed into the woods alone. For the first time ever I was alone. When a person is truly alone for the first time it changes them, the first time they are alone and must look after themselves it becomes the most amazing and empowering feeling. It is best thing that they can truly do for themselves. Leaving the house on a solo walk got easier after that. Do not get me wrong, there are still times I panic but it’s nowhere near like how I used to be.

It was around this time that I started thinking about leaving my husband again. Going solo made me think about life on my own, I was me but not me at the same time. Something had changed, it did not start changing in 2020 it started changing way before that. I spoke to my mum about leaving my husband, the thought was there but no real plan was ever put in motion. I was going to go and stay with her for a few weeks, but then she passed away and the thought never really entered my head after that, who was I kidding? I couldn’t go it alone, could I? I stopped myself from thinking about it after that, but now I know that it was always at the back of my mind. I did not see it because I was never alone to be with my own thoughts there was always something else to think about and something to do to keep my mind thinking about the one thing it really needed to. So, when the time came for me to start thinking again it took me by surprise. I was in the middle of nowhere standing on a bridge watching the river below and the thought just hit me, you can do this! you can leave! what is really stopping you?

It was the first time I allowed myself to think about it. I allowed my mind to wonder over the last few years and start seeing my life the way other people saw it, it was hard. I allowed so much to interfere with who I was and the woman I wanted to be, a wife has a duty to her husband and her family, that was the way I was brought up. Leaving was selfish and it would only benefit me, was I really ready to do something so selfish and go against everything I have ever believed? Upset the status Quo?

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

Mid 2020 while everyone was locked away in their homes all I could think about was getting out, and out I did! However this time I was more comfortable with getting the train and going to places I had never been before, just me and my thoughts, it was at this time that I started to read everything I could on walking different paths and watching YouTube videos of walks in the uk. This was when the south downs way and the Pennine way started creeping in. I was so jealous of these people walking these paths, the same paths I wanted to walk but never could because, well I was scared. I was scared that I could not do it; scared that I could not carry my pack, scared of being alone, reading a map and getting lost, simply scared of everything. That is what I had to overcome, I had to overcome fearing my own shadow and putting my own mental health before the needs of others.

I was on Facebook one afternoon and I saw a post from a friend. There was a group of blokes that was doing the Pennine way challenge and had started a group. I joined just to support my friend and his group, I was reading posts and watching how others were supporting this group. It was then I decided that I was going to go for my first 25 miles hike.

The first time I did my first 25 miles was the most empowering experience I have ever had. I got lost a fair few times and the rain came in. My jet boil wouldn’t work, I ended up with blisters from hell and twisted my ankle, I got back home after dark but none of that mattered. What mattered was that I did it. I survived my first real hike. I can’t pinpoint at what part of the day it happened, but at some point while being outside on my own miles away from the bus stop and only relying on myself, changed me. It’s when I knew I could go solo, not just on the hike but in life aswell. I could do this! After that realisation nothing felt the same again. it was the first time for years I was genuinely happy.

What would you do if you were not afraid? I was about to find out.

We only have one life. No matter what you believe, this is the only life we have today, we must make the most of today right? The mountains were calling my name, but were they calling the wrong name.

I read about people walking 100 miles for charity, walking up Snowdon to raise money for this or that, I was not walking for charity, I was walking for myself. This great need I had to get out into the wild. My wild. To hike my own hike and doing it my way but by now more and more posts were coming out about the lads that were doing the Pennine way challenge.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I come up with some crazy ideas usually for other people and I help them achieve their goals and very rarely would I do something for myself. Now I had been thinking about messaging a friend in the group for some time and asking them if I could join them, but every day I put it off, “you know you want do it. You know you cannot do it. What the hell are you thinking?” these were the thoughts ringing in my head for weeks.

But I woke up one day and I knew that I had to try! So I messaged Chris and asked the question. Thinking that he would say no because at the end of the day, I was a woman, with no experience or skill set and they were a group of blokes from the regiment, they weren’t going to want a woman that was scared of her own shadow tagging along, but after speaking to Chris, messaging Dez. I found myself added to the group, the group chat and my world changing. We each have our own issues and reasons why we are doing this challenge, mine isn’t as clear cut because firstly I want to do this because I want to know if I can. can I walk 268 miles? can I carry what I need to carry? can I hold my own in a group of blokes? would I have an anxiety attack in the middle of nowhere? while my heart was telling me that I can, my body was telling me, yeah right! try it fat girl! My head was telling me what makes you think you can do the hardest walk in the uk when you can’t even get your fucking life in order, that’s when it really started “you’re making a mistake Angie. What the hell are you doing?” The next few days after deciding that I was going to do this was the most horrible time of last year. The feeling of utter worthlessness completely knocked me sideways.

It was over the next few weeks that I really started to put myself out there. I created a walking group for my little town, mainly for people with mental health issues and PTSD to get out with likeminded people. I started to put my plan onto action and I was leaving my husband, leaving my home and everything I had worked for in the last 20 years. My health started to come first. I stopped spending weeks in bed because I couldn’t lift my head off the pillow or because of the pain in my legs. I used to think that I was in pain because of the graves, but its only now that I realise that yes, while I have graves it wasn’t the whole reason why I was spending so much time in bed.

Photo by Ashley Byrd on Unsplash

Depression is a ugly thing and it makes you blame other illnesses because it wants to hide in the shadows like a snipper. When it hits it doesn’t want you to know where the shoot has come from. The more I spent out of bed and in the wild the more my eyes started to open and the more I started to open up to family and close friends.

My first hike through on Bodmin moor last year was challenging and I was so scared of getting lost, that fear started to make me doubtful of myself. I struggled to keep my pace because my pack was just too heavy, my shoulders and lower back was killing me. Looking back, I was used to paths, lanes and the odd hill but Tors... the up and down, the pain on my knees, my back and neck. I was clueless.

The reality was, I was more tame than I was wild and while I loved being outside, the wildness in me was a pussy cat. People walk all over me and I allow them to do it. My relationship with my husband, his parents and my parents, friends, my boss, I allowed my power to be taken from me and I never once questioned it. Now I was questioning everything, every choice, mistake and risk I never took, I questioned it all.

I could do the Pennine way on my own, in time I could, I would be scared, I would get lost, most likely run out of food, water, or even hurt myself but I would do it. Because I am stubborn and the thought of failing far outweighs all the other shit that plagues my mind. The woman I was is not the woman I have fought to become.

Through the past year I have learned many lessons. Not just about myself or the person I want to be, nor about the world that I was never really apart off, but about my friends aswell. I don’t ask for help, it isn’t the way I was brought up, if you can’t do it yourself it’s not worth doing. For the first time I was asking other people for help and I was overwhelmed with the support I had from my friends. Everyone coming together to support me in whatever way they could. I am the one who supports everyone else, I have never asked for help before and when people started to offer advice, help or kit I really didn’t know how to accept what was being offered, weird right? People want to help their friends, it’s what we do. I always said it to other people, but now I understand how hard it is to not only ask for it but accept it when its offered.

Walking, asking for help and relying on myself has led me to freedom, something I never thought I would ever feel. I’m not a hiker, I’m in love with the idea that one day I could be, but the reality is different, living with graves disease, IBS, depression and PTSD limits me. I have to find a way to challenge myself without putting too much pressure on me to become someone I’ll never be. I’m a weekend hiker that is in love with the idea of becoming a hardcore hiker, there will be days I wont be able to get out of bed but they are far and few between now. There will be days I’ll be on the tors or in the mountains, and nights I’ll be sleeping under the stars. I’m a solo walker on the untrodden path and within life, it’s not about the destination but about the journey.

I am right where I am meant to be

Photo by Danilo Ćalić on Unsplash

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About the Creator

Angie Craig

40 something and I think I have finally found myself. In the past few years I have gone through a crazy of experiences. getting married too young, divorced, solo hiking, the pennine way, learning to live with PTSD, I have stories to tell.

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