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Self-Compassion

A Path to a Kinder Self

By Milo GoyalPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Self-compassion requires a balance 

I've struggled with self love since I was a little girl. I could blame it on my upbringing, specifically on my hyper-critical mother who indulges in giving me back-handed compliments, or maybe it has something to do with the amount of academic stress my parents constantly put me under. Either way, exploring these areas of my life may help me better understand who I am, but they won't help me to solve the problems I face today. Mainly, that problem having to do with myself. I am my own problem in so many words.

I moved to Oxford, UK for my masters in the beginning of October. It was my first time far away from my family, friends, and boyfriend. A strange place filled with strange accents belonging to people of different backgrounds. I didn't know where I fit in. And I contemplated the possibility that I never would.

My inherently introverted nature was holding me back from forming new friendships. I felt ever so alone in my spare time and a sense of awful dread would wash over me. I would resort to calling my boyfriend in the evenings to talk about it. And when I say "talk" about it, I mean complaining and lying in self-loathing.

Long story short, my boyfriend and I broke up after only three weeks of being long distance. But one night, I was in such a bad place, I seriously considered taking my life. I ground up about 20 of my pills and got a glass of water—ready to take a step I would never be able to take back.

But I just couldn't do it. Maybe it was a little voice in my head reminding me of my sisters, who love and depend on me. Or maybe it was my instincts kicking in again and shouting at my brain not to end my own life. I thought, wouldn't it be so easy though? To end it all. No pain. No suffering. Just a mystery of whatever comes after we all pass.

I sat down and cried after fully realizing what I was prepared to do. I knew it was time to get some serious, professional help.

My counselor ended up being a wonderful Irish woman, with a soft accent and kind eyes. She introduced me to self-compassion and a woman named Kristin Neff.

The concept of self-compassion was a bit difficult for me to grasp at first. I thought to myself: Am I really supposed to try to love myself? To be kind to myself? I'm ALLOWED to do these things?

Dr. Neff has a Ph.D. in moral development and created the self-compassion scale. (Her Ted Talk and website are provided in this article.) She naturally begins her talk with the concept of good and bad. Many people ask themselves at least once in their lives: Am I a bad person? Or, conversely, am I a good person? We often search for the answer through external validation, which leads us to the next concept of self-esteem. Many individuals use self-esteem as a sense of self-worth, but the problem with doing this is that we either compare ourselves to others or put others down to make ourselves feel better. Low self-esteem leads to depression and anxiety, while high self-esteem brings a sense of narcissism.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about relating to ourselves in a kind manner.

Here is her main point:

Self-compassion is about treating ourselves with kindness and not self-judgement, finding a shared sense of humanity in our experiences, and practicing mindfulness.

It is not self-indulgent or selfish. And, more importantly, it does not rely on the validation of others. It is a constant source of well-being that comes from within.

Another article I found introduced the concept of RAIN:

  • Recognize what is going on
  • Allow the experience to be there just as it is
  • Investigate the experience with kindness
  • Natural awareness comes from not identifying with the experience

It is important to listen to yourself and to identify your needs. It's very similar to when flight attendants always instruct us to put our own oxygen mask on before helping others in the case of an emergency. We can't help those around us if we don't help ourselves first. But, take care not to only practice self-compassion in instances of crises. It will not work as well and will leave you feeling even more frustrated and down than before. It requires daily practice and nourishing.

Self-compassion is a journey you must be willing to travel alone because in the end, we only have ourselves.

Dr. Kristin Neff's Ted Talk

Dr. Kristin Neff's Website

self help
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