Scared of Being Scared

When we are children anxiety, stress, and fear don't really exist in our toolbelt. Instead, you have exploration, curiosity, its the urge to have fun regardless of the circumstances.

It had us jumping out of trees despite what our parents told us, despite their concern. As if we were made of rubber - completely unafraid and impossible to injure. Full of energy that had us bouncing on a trampoline for hours with no net. I view this as a necessary feeling to have. And we lose so much of it as we grow up. We begin to learn what consequences are, and how dire things can turn in the blink of an eye.

In a way, knowledge becomes a hindrance. Of course, there is always that excitement when one learns something new. But with new knowledge comes fear.

Imagine yourself as the child you once were, it still exists within you. As that child, the essence, the spirit of fun and curiosity would keep you company. Follow you around and encourage you to do things. That voice inside your head telling you to wander around the woods, to jump off the stairs instead of walking down. But something begins to haunt that spirit. Fear; this dark shadow that latches onto your shoulder as small as a bird in the beginning.

Curiosity tells you to do the thing you want while Fear murmurs in your other ear... "What if?"

"What if you fail?"

"What if you get hurt?"

"What if people laugh at you?"

"What if, what if, what if...?"

You begin to doubt yourself. You doubt your ability to handle situations that you never worried about before. And Curiosity begins to shrink as Fear grows on your shoulder weighing you down. Eventually, Curiosity retreats inside of you where it is safe. And the only voice you're left with is Fear. Fear has become enormous, proud, and intimidating.

Fear walks with you now, it casts a shadow around you at all times. There was once a time that Fear and Curiosity were friends. Working together to keep you safe enough but not hold you back. But now Fear is cocky, it doesn't want to confer with Curiosity anymore. It thinks it knows best and has beat Curiosity down, time and time again.

Now you walk through like overtly cautious, because that is all you have to rely on. This is the story of me having to find Curiosity again, and how I lost it. Of me telling Fear it is not taking the reins anymore.

I remember when I lost it. I remember when Fear began to take over my life, and how strong it became to the point where now Fear is risking my life in a way no one could have predicted. How Fear is actually slowly killing me.

I was 13 when I first met Fear. It was the tipping stone that triggered a rock avalanche of chaos so devastating that Happiness has retreated as well.

I fell for someone I shouldn't have. I was taken advantage of and it hurt me in ways that I am still discovering now at the age of 24. It tore a rift through my family and trust had disappeared. I lived in a state of despair with a lack of trust knowing how badly I had let my family down. I stayed in despair for two years until things more or less got resolved. Or so I thought.

Instead, I deflected. I disassociated. And I finally pushed it down, so far down that, I thought I was okay. But pushing things down never works. Because it is still there, like cancer, like a virus slowly infecting your body, your soul. It creeps up on you until it takes you down and sweeps your legs out from under your body. You hit the ground so hard and find yourself looking up at Fear grinning down at you, laughing.

Fear pins you down, keeping you there. It tells you that is where you belong. And I gave up, I accepted Fear into my life over fighting it. I didn't want to fight because I had become too afraid to fight. Fear's best friend Panic joins the party. She loves to torment me. She and Fear love to plot against me and throw challenges my way in the most inopportune of times.

To get an idea of the first time I met Panic, refer to my older article The Inconvenience. She did not appear too intimidating but that is all part of what makes her who she is. She doesn't want me to know how bad she can be until I am already in it.

Fear sat back and let her take over from then on, while still whispering in my ear every time I attempted to venture into something new. She would slap me down. And Fear would keep me there. Every time I lost a friend. Every time someone left me or betrayed me. I became smaller and smaller until I could not shrink anymore.

Now, everything terrifies me. I have panic attacks so often it has become the new norm for me. I have grown so comfortable in my box, that Panic has become bored. She's not affecting me enough anymore. She has to kick it up a notch. Now she is attacking my physical form. Now my fear, my panic gives me seizures and night terrors. It attacks me, causing me to collapse and blackout. Losing a few hours at a time only to come to even more afraid because in that moment of initial consciousness I don't know anything I cannot remember anything.

It happened recently, it causes my body to twitch and then shut down. Sleepless nights make it worse and Fear continues to laugh at me as Panic and Fear slowly take me down from the inside out.

I don't want to be like this anymore. A new shadow appears but he's not there to hurt me. He hands me a weapon and stands beside me for strength. He tells me he cannot fight this battle for me but he won't leave my side either. He will be with me and encourage me to not give up because now it has become life-threatening. I want to retreat. The weapon feels heavy in my grasp meanwhile Panic and Fear snicker at me expecting me to buckle and fail. The new shadow sheds tears for me, he wants me to feel safe and come out of my shell. His pain spurs me forth. I don't want him to hurt because I am too afraid. He's lending me his bravery and I just let it hurt him in return.

iThat is how I choose to thank him? Not anymore, I refuse to let these demons sneer at me as they have been doing for almost ten years. He watches me fail over and over, for five years now. And I can feel his faith in me wavering. I can tell he wants to take the weapon from me, he wishes he could fight this battle for me but in the end, I am the only one who can do it.

Not my family, not my husband, not my friends.

My shadow tells me I shouldn't be fighting for him. I shouldn't be fighting for anyone but myself. It sounds easier to fight for someone else than myself. I feel discouraged when I am told to fight for myself because my self-esteem is so shot right now that it seems pointless now. Give me a reason that isn't me because in my eyes I am not worth it anymore.

Meanwhile, that little girl inside me is just struggling to get out. She wants to have fun, she wants to explore, she is tired of being in the dark and being shoved aside by Fear and Panic. She looks around at those who are free and she yearns for the same thing. And I cannot let her drown anymore. I retreat into myself only to take her hand in mine while I brandish my weapon in the other.

She is braver than I am at this point so I only hope I can draw it from her as I fight this battle. With my shadow at my shoulder, keeping a protective eye over me to make sure I don't give up even though that would be so much easier.

Fear likes to take over when I sleep. He waits and watches until I am completely vulnerable before he sits on my chest to view me struggle for air. The difficulty of sleeping through the night becomes more apparent as time passes on. I know the things occurring in my dreams are not fair or warranted. I know deep down it is things I needn't be concerned about in reality because I trust those close to me in my life. But that doesn't make Fear go away.

Fear's hand is around my throat as I sit up in bed and attempt to catch my breath. I look around the room while trying to process the dream and what it could possibly mean if it has any meaning at all. Sometimes I am able to return to sleep though I don't want to. I am almost certain I will have another unpleasant dream when I do so but I hadn't gotten enough sleep so I must return.

Today's not like one of those days, I get up despite how tired I feel. At least awake I feel protected and not vulnerable even though the day brings its' constant upset or issues. I am more in control in the waking world, at least over myself, than I am in my dreams. So, awake I stay until I physically cannot anymore.

The words in front of me, on this screen, blur before my eyes. I am already losing focus after being conscious for a mere short 15 minutes. My brain demands I return to bed and stop being a coward but instead I choose to make iced coffee. A flavorful distraction, a trick of the body, and perhaps I will be able to get some things done today. All the while Fear and Panic idly follow me around my apartment.

An ache in my head begins to form as I drink my coffee wishing it was a fix-all elixir despite it probably being worse for me than good. Containing sugar and cream, essentially a dessert in the morning. I sit by the large window in my place, allowing that natural lighting to spill in onto my face. I people watch and take peace in seeing random people strolling by to go about their typical Monday morning. Some are walking their dogs, some on their way to work with their various morning drink.

I find myself noting that there are many tiny dogs in this complex; adorable and fluffy. It gives me brief happiness to see the multitude of pets throughout the day. One of the reasons I moved where I work from the corner of my room to the window.

Fear and Panic don't like the sunlight, it shows them for who they really are. They retreat to the darker areas of the apartment, though not too far to still keep an eye on me. For the moment they're keeping their distance. So I try to remain in the sunlight as often as possible. Daily walks when the rain isn't pouring down.

I'm sure you're wondering why I am rambling on about such things, such things that appear so unimportant. Or perhaps why you should care about any of the things I am talking about. The truth is, you don't need to, in fact, you shouldn't care about my side, my experiences, because in the end it doesn't matter. All I can do is share my story, with a sense of depth and a hint of vagueness. Maybe it will make you look at your own story, maybe this is just something to pass the time.

You have a lot of questions for a stranger on the internet. But if you're still here, then you must be at least a little curious. Curious about where this is going and how it is going to end. I don't even know how this will end. But I am journaling my journey as I experience it and face Fear as well as Panic.

I conclude this is the end of Part 1, but there is more to come.