Savoring the Struggle

Sweat is dripping down my chin like drinking lemonade too fast, down my cheeks like tears. My husband and I didn't expect this life to be easy, and it isn't. We once again find ourselves in a difficult position. The truck needs repairs, no getting around it, but we also need things like power, water, clean cloths, health care. Just last week I ran the marathon of five Dr. appointments in two days; trying to keep costs down. Travel costs keep going up. My treatment went better this time, which means I am up for the challenging tasks today. How long will that be the case? How will I feel at fifty, sixty, beyond?

I wipe the sweat off my face as I reach the tractor. The mile long hike to get the tire infiltrator is over. I work to fill the front tire to 22 psi, knowing I will likely need to do this several times today. This tire is an item on the task list. For now, this should help me get the laundry to the truck. It would be easier to wait for the road to dry to bring the truck up, but today is sunny, and the forecast is calling for more rain over the next several days. There is no way to know when the road will be dry. It is best not to put off work when we are capable of doing it. The task list is already too long. We are also out of propane, which we will need if we are not able to charge with solar which is likely given the rainy forecast.

Driving the tractor down the hill is not like driving a regular vehicle. It sways and tips on the ruff, rut filled road. It frequently feels like it will tip over. As gravity pulls me down the hill I have to push into the seat with all my weight to prevent the engine from shutting off. The seat pressure switch is a safety feature to prevent the tractor form continuing to move without a driver. It's a good feature, but requires strength and focus.

I hear an American kestrel over the noise of the tractor engine. Looking up I see the bird soaring over a mango tree. The jungle is more beautiful after a rain. The air is rejuvenated, and frogs are chirping in freshly made ponds. I look into the vegetation and am transfixed. I start quizzing myself on everything I see genip, noni, shack shack, is there anything more satisfying than this?

I hit a rock and am pulled back to reality as the laundry jostles in the bucket. I steer over to smoother ground and round the corner to where the truck is parked.

After unloading and parking the tractor I climb under the truck to look at the transfer case. The truck cannot make it up the hill when the road is slippery and muddy without four wheel drive. The transfer case went out yesterday and now the four wheel drive isn't working. Ordering the right transfer case is important given the cost and the time it will take to be shipped to the island. Getting it wrong is time and money we don't have. So I take my time, crawling in the mud, grass, and fire ants to get as much information as I can.

I need to go to town. As I clean off what mud I can I think about the sterile infusion center I was in last week. I think of the compulsory questions they ask all MS patients. Do you need a mobility aid, have you fallen in the last three weeks?

Today would not be possible if I struggled from mobility challenges. What if I do someday? Is my body a time bomb, more so than those without MS?

It's possible that all I have is today, and these tedious and labor intensive tasks are all I have the opportunity to do. I am so grateful for the struggle, the stress, the adventure.