Rising from Abuse

As I stood in front of the long antique mirror and scrutinized myself, I realized how the continuous mental, physical and emotional abuse by the person I loved had affected my whole being. I could not recognize the blank face that stared back at me. The once cheerful persona had withered into a scarred being; bringing along an endless journey of pain and turmoil.

Looking back, I wondered what did I do to deserve all the beatings and mental torture. What had prompted the hand to raise, the tongue to lash out, or the accusations to follow? Was it my patience that was tested, or my positivity that was too much for him to bear? Was it something I had said, or done which initiated the drama that followed? That was what he had always said:” It is you who caused me to do this.” And I would just stare back quietly in confusion, and accept what he had said.

I can still envision the dreadful day when I got married to the so-called love of my life. I should have followed my inner voice that was stopping me to sign the papers. Amazingly, even that day I felt as if I was entering the gates of hell. I knew deep inside that I was in for a long imprisonment; yet I still stepped into that world as I subdued my fears and doubts. When I looked up at him, I took his extended hand and compressed the tightening of my emotions and heart.

I had always believed that marriages were made in heaven. If it were true, then how could it involve so much pain. How could anyone impact your life so deeply through hurtful words, false accusations, loud slaps, intentional kicking and continuous cornering? Why does a woman and a wife take all those hard blows, cruel words and dismantling actions and yet: still forgive and forget? Abuse is not only physical; it is emotional and psychological trauma that involves shattering of the self-respect, of self-esteem, of self-confidence; but most of all it is the destruction of who you believe you are. Physical abuse gives you physical pain and trauma, but emotional abuse gives you scarring from the inside which takes time to go away.

Not long after my wedding, I stood at trial for everything negative that happened in the house. There was continuous interference and impractical expectations from his family. It was like I was living in a pressure cooker where you were bombarded by everything around you and the pressure kept building inside you till you could not breath. What does a woman do when the only reason he raises a hand on you is that only she is the one who can take it? Is it because he cannot take out his anger on anyone else but her because she is the so-called weak one in the society? Was the untimely assaults, the unlikely criticism, and unduly curses meant to make things better for her, for her dignity, for her respect?

Fortunately, no one knows that the momentary death of her soul is temporary. Inspite of those life-shattering moments she emerged as a new healed person. Once who was considered weak and frail, now stands erect to face all the challenges life throws at her, because she has been through worse situations. All those dark and distressing moments have made her stronger. She emerges as a strong being who possesses emotions and feelings that go way beyond anyone’s imagination. She may seem as the damsel, but with time she rises to become impenetrable and tough. Her tenacity and determination to achieve better makes her a survivor and a fighter. She can face the world, she can stand erect and not feel broken, she can achieve the unachievable: She is a Woman.