Resolutions and Abuse

The New Year, came and went just like every other year and just like every other year so did all of the resolutions I had come up with: losing weight, being healthier, quitting all of my terrible habits. Yeah none of those things happened, they weren’t even in the realm of happening. I tried for awhile bought some stuff that was advertised for me on all the social media websites I regularly check into. Made a meal plan, I even went and got some new workout stuff. Well then life happened. Same old me came and faced me in the mirror and was like who are you kidding; you make the same resolutions every year and to no avail you always fail.

Now this isn’t completely my fault. I was told I wasn’t good enough, I was fat, and lazy, I didn’t do anything to help myself, I’m not attractive, the list goes on and on. Well being the self loathing person I am I allow myself to fall into this hole and usually find myself at the bottom with no way out. I have to build a ladder to get out it takes a very long time and once I get to the top usually I take a tumble right back down. It’s a cycle I’d rather not continue for the rest of my life and hopefully I figure out how to break it. As each day goes by I have to find something within myself to create a building block to attatch to this ladder. Step one, my daughter; she always comes first no matter what. Step two my responsibility to my family, step three I haven’t reached any of the goals I’ve set for myself. Step four I can’t allow myself to just succumb to complete darkness; this is just me being completely stubborn. Well you get it right? I usually get up to about ten and then I can attempt to get out. This figurative hole is different every time and the ladder steps vary in size it’s all a mental game anyways.

All I can do is drag myself out of it, no matter what the cycle is. I’ve been there sitting and waiting for some person to come by and see me and lift me out of it. It’s never happened. On the brink of ending everything I stood up, told myself to buck up and started to move forwards. Dwelling on things you have no control over no matter how horrible they are isn’t helpful to you or anyone. At some point we have to look at ourselves and say “what the heck, why are you letting yourself be this way?” “ why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way?”. Ask yourself “who is going to make a change you or the abuser?”. How long it takes us up to you, when you realize your life is more than just a filler for other people’s lives the sooner you can wake up and do something about it!

This is me, right now I have awoken! I have chosen to see the abuse and chosen to stop being a victim to everyone else. Granted this is the second or third time I’m doing this in my twenty-six years of life, but I’ve been here and I know what I need to do. Now is the time for resolutions to be completed and to be finalized! Set goals for myself because if I don’t do something I’m pretty sure it won’t ever be done. I need to set the example for my daughter so she doesn’t grow up surrounded by negativity and problems and darkness. I need to take back control of my life.