Renew

I woke up trying to be inspired and motivated. The 2 haven't been actively conjoined in quite some time for me. Well, at least how I HOPED but I'm making strides.

I think I'm going to leave school. I just don't want to anymore. I'm going to have to be ok with that as well. I'll get to where I want to without it. I know I can but the stress is a severe beating on my mental health. It's just not good for me, at least right now. Who knows. Maybe in 10 years it will be. I'll still learn but just not like that. Besides, Cutting my debt short will be nice lol

I am trying to find the spark, the effervescent love and wonder and imagination to create. I haven't felt that consistently in about 10 or so years. Sad to say. My son is discovering his creative world and it's beautiful and lovely and warm and exciting. Yet in reflection of my own creative journey it is quiet saddening and well, It's got me yearning for my younger, creative and open self, closed only and inspired by childhood trauma. Oh how I would twist others lovely nightmares into my own creations of beauty and wonder.

Adulthood being at the end of adolescence, I will say gave me nightmares my strong yet fragile native self was not prepared for. I'm regrowing myself and evolving while growing and loving myself. And trying to help him love and respect and cherish himself. It's a lovely thing when you see your kid going through the same things you did. Especially, if they are very similar to you and you can tell them all the things that you wish someone told you. You can be the parent you didn't have and of course you may and will make different mistakes but I pray they are fewer and far in between and less traumatic. I say a pray silently. I feel like my heart says it every morning and night. "Please let me be the parent he needs and deserves. Let me make less mistakes than my parents did. Let them be far less traumatic. Please let them be small and reversible. Please let me be able to impart my wisdom and continue to gain wisdom to help my son grow into a strong, loving, intelligent, balanced person with all the qualities necessary to achieve his goals and help others. Keep his beautiful spirit." Oh I say a pray similar if not longer all the time. He is my most precious creation. Now, I have to figure out how to keep it going when I am on empty lol

Lately, I've felt like my heart, soul garden, whatever you want to say it may be, is getting knocked on constantly by everything. It feels at times like anxiety but also like an awakening. A electrifying jolt to do something, create, speak, dance, move. And then, there's the other side that dampers that down, like cold cement weighing and dousing out the fire just enough to keep me seated. It's an interesting thing trying to pin point exactly when you broke. You can see where cracks were formed and where and how you tried to mend them. However, to actually nail down when your mind broke wide open. Well…that's…something. I only do it to dissect why it happened and then repair but now and days I am finding that it may be a problem. Maybe my reflecting on what broke should be more geared towards what has mended and rebuilt. I know, sounds so easy and much like common sense. However, if you are a fixer you want to know what broke, how, who and then go into repair mode. At least that's me. It usually works except as it seems on me, lol. Hysterical. Right? Well, coffee has been had. I've found it helps me get the fuck up. I can't have too much since now I've developed a caffeine sensitivity. Lol Wonderful lol

Anyways, I can hear the stage being set and the drum roll beginning for a nice downpour. I'll leave it at that.