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Rapunzel and I

I was always connected to Rapunzel, now I know why

By Naveena SPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
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Rapunzel and I
Photo by Konzel Creative on Unsplash

It's 12:53 am and I'm watching my nightly movie before I got to bed. This time it's Tangled. 

I remember when this movie came out. I watched it over and over again. Back then, Mother Gothel reminded me of my own mom. I didn't know why then. Now at 12:53 am, I had a revelation. Mother Gothel is my mother, she's overly protective and from an outsider's view they would think "Wow her mom is so good." The thing is, both Rapunzel and I realized the overprotectiveness was all just manipulation, so both of us would never find out about free will. 

Our mothers live through our beauty. Through our hair. When I was little, my mom would brush and brush my hair. Always making sure it was pin straight. It hurt a lot. Gave me so many headaches, but she kept saying it's supposed to hurt. Beauty is pain. Just deal with it. So I did until. 

Until I was done with the headaches. I stopped letting my mother touch my hair. I stopped brushing it because I was finally defying her. So many people would comment on my hair, telling me to brush it. I refused. I couldn't let my mother win.

Just like you win battles, you also lose. I lost a lot with her. 

The next battle. I lost. I hated food and I hated eating. She told me skinny is pretty. I think I was 8 when I started hating food. It wasn't just her. It was me. It was like both of us were working together to harm my body. Telling me I could lose a little more weight. Telling me I should start wearing shapewear. The thing was I looked back at my pictures at 8 now, I was already skinny. I wondered why she was trying to shrink me and I still wonder why. 

Another battle I lost. I started getting acne a lot earlier than most. I got foundation for it. I started wearing it all the time, like a mask. Then whenever I would go out, if I wasn't wearing my makeup, my mask. She would tell me to go put it on. It fucked up my mind so much cause I thought I was disgusting without it. I lost this battle with my own beauty with my mother. She made me put on my mask and I listened. 

Are any of you wondering if this girl will finally start winning? Well, don't worry cause she kinda does. Not really winning yet though.

In 8th grade, I finally started developing my own opinions. She hated it. I started looking into feminism. I started to see the outside world through talking to my history teacher and through my phone. It was a tiny glimpse, but I treasured it. It was like when Rapunzel placed her feet on the lush green grass.

High school gave me even more freedom. At first, it was scary. I didn't even know if I was even allowed to have this much freedom. I would join as many clubs as possible. I would join as many competitions as possible. Sometimes I would just aimlessly wander around after school. I didn't want to go back to my tower, my house. I wanted to have as much freedom for as long as I could. 

Then just like that. A pandemic hit. I was locked in my tower. The earlier months were the worst. I was locked in my tower all alone. 

I finally started winning during those horrible months. It took 10 years to finally start winning. 

It was bad at first. 

I hated my hair. I hated how long it was because my mother loved long hair. I wanted to do something, anything. I was too scared to cut it all off. So I went for the next thing, bangs. Yep, I had my TikTok moment, where all the girls fucked up their hair. As I was cutting, I didn't even care about making it look good. Actually, I wanted it to be fucked up. I was tired of being pretty, always feeling like I had to be pretty. 

My mother saw and with a cold stare said, "I don't even recognize you anymore." "You don't even look like my daughter anymore." Those words cut through me like a knife, but a small part of me liked those words. I was defying her. I cut my hair like Rapunzel did, ending her fake mother's shadow on her.

I would put makeup on every night cause as the months went by I felt even more ugly. I would stop eating cause I didn't like how I looked. I stopped sleeping because my mother ingrained into my head that I always needed to be productive or I was a failure. This was the part where Mother Gothel manipulated Rapunzel to come back to the tower after her adventure to the unknown. 

Then one day it felt like I had a eureka but unlike Archimedes, it wasn't in a bathtub. 

It was about 5 am and I stared at myself in the mirror. I kept on looking until I realized. I wasn't ugly. I was never ugly. I started to realize everything I was doing. I needed to eat. I can't let my mother win. I needed to sleep. I can't let my mother win. I needed to love myself as I am. I can't let my mother win. 

I don't hate my mother anymore. As I look back at all the torture she put me through. I realized it was more about how she felt about herself than with me. Even though she was a parent, she was still living in the past with her own childhood trauma that I was burdened to carry. 

It was like if Rapunzel had seen the beginning scenes of her movie. Seeing Mother Gothel and her desperate need for beauty. Her desperate need for youth. I saw the beginning of my mother and realized she's a human with flaws. With waves of hurt from the past. 

Mother Gothel disappeared at the end of Rapunzel's story. I'm still not sure if my mother is going to disappear from my life cause that's all I want right now. I don't know where my story ends with my mother and me. All I know is like Rapunzel I finally found my free will, my ability to finally stand up for myself. For now, that's more than enough for me.

healing
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