Quaranthoughts

It’s another day looking out the window and thinking of endless possibilities. I want to do something, but can’t seem to find anything to do. Focus and effectiveness seem to be such hyped words in today’s landscape, but I can’t seem to grasp them in reality. I start doing something, then soon move on to the next thing.

The weather feels just as uninspiring outside: Clouds are forming a heavy atmosphere, announcing the rain to come anytime soon. I hear the sounds of cars, construction sites, and my partner who just started yet another conference call.

I look out the window, where life should be happening all around, but it isn’t quite happening anymore. The ‘new normal’ has kept us distant not only from other people, but from our own regular lives. I have to admit this: I love not having to commute. But I also dread the quietness throughout my days, or having to pretend everything is completely fine when hopping onto seemingly endless Zoom calls (have you read about Zoom fatigue?).

I am mostly positive, but I don’t need to force myself to be positive all the time. We have been facing a global pandemic for an entire year now. We all just want to go on with our lives, but we can’t do that just yet. So today, I decided to just be quiet and accept that I am feeling less than great.

During the pandemic, I’ve picked up many good, healthy habits, and had to face some monsters. Thankfully, I got to know myself better and grew stronger. I started writing more consistently, improved on watercolour painting, and even dabbed at digital art. I also like reading books... But lately I’ve been feeling off balance. I cannot quite focus on a single idea or concept for too long. I start to wonder what I am missing out on, if anything at all. I also wonder what life would be like right now if none of this had happened… How different it would be.

With a deep breath, I decide to open up Spotify and put on the playlist that has always inspired me: Amelie’s soundtrack (from the movie Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain). The various classical instruments and lively pace of these songs make me feel warm inside. I’m taken back to when I was studying until late night, preparing for university entrance exams. I’d listen to these songs over and over again, getting into a productive rhythm. Nostalgia always gives me the impression that the past was simpler; but then, my present will become the past soon enough. How will I look back on all of this?

I’ve had a lot of thoughts. I explore the future possibilities immensely, wondering how the pandemic will impact what will come next. For one thing, the remote workforce has definitely picked up, and I hope this trend will continue to go on. As I live abroad and have family spread out across 3 countries, I would love to be able to work from anywhere. I fantasize about taking trips and going to new places that have been on my bucket list. Will I be able to walk around freely when I get there? Will there be a lot of restrictions in place? I just don’t know it yet.

But we don’t ever know until we get there, do we? For now, I will continue to listen to my playlist, my feelings and to try and keep an overall positive outlook on things. Keep hoping for it all to improve. Focusing on what I can do now, and indulging in some daydreaming that hopefully becomes a reality in the near future.