Put Yourself Back Together

It’s currently 4am, and I’m just coming out of my nightly/early morning panic attack. I worry a lot, because I feel as though I’ve made a mess of things in my twenty-nine years. I find myself repeating the same thought process most nights, which usually includes over analyzing the mistakes as well as the progress I’ve made in life accompanied by my goals for the near future.

I’m hoping that putting these goals in writing may lead to me successfully achieving them.

A Fresh Start

Ultimately, I’ve come to the realization that I one-hundred percent NEED to move away... like, across the country. Of course I’d never be able to run away from who I am, but I do think that the majority of my anxiety comes from feeling trapped. After all, I’ve never left Dallas. I see the same faces day-in and day-out. Lately I haven’t been in love with the reputation I’ve gained here over the years. Also, I have so much pain here.

Goal: When my lease is up in March, I plan on moving Northeast.

Keeping Things Clean

Inevitably, at least for me, with depression comes an actual physical mess. Every time something gets me down, my apartment almost magically and instantly transforms into the most squalot hellhole anyone has ever seen. Subsequently, often times cleaning the mess has a major positive effect on my mental state.

Goal: Maintain a clean and organized space from here on out.

Stop Dwelling

I tend to fixate on the mistakes I’ve made. Rather than learning from them, I usually beat myself up over them. I act as if there’s something I can do to reverse my actions of the past. I spend too much time thinking of ways I can go back and correct them. This often attributes to the aforementioned “trapped” feeling.

Goal: Stop focusing so much on the past, look forward to the future.

What Used To Work?

Believe it or not, I wasn’t always like this. I used to be productive and have fun while doing it. I used to create a lot more than I do now. Aside from writing, I am (or at least I used to be) a musician. Though these days, it’s difficult to be inspired to write, and damn-near impossible to bring myself to pick up my guitar.

Goal: Create! Create! Create! It’s who I am as a person.

Changing Habits

This is a big one. So I drink, often times way too much for my own good. Lately I’ve seen myself going down a path that I’m familiar with because I’ve already been here in this same exact spot. I swore I’d never be back, and yet here I am going out for “a few drinks” and blacking out. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s not remembering things and KNOWING I probably did something to embarrass myself.

Goal: If I can’t slow down, I will stop altogether.

Who’s in Charge?

A lot of times, I see that I let the actions of others control my mental state, and overall well-being, and I hate it! It’s not even that they’re actively trying to manipulate or control me, I think I just obsess too much over what people’s think of me at times. I know that sounds a little cliche, but it’s true.

Goal: Remember that I am my own person. Be more independent. Don’t invest too much in the opinions of others.

I wrote this very self-centered story because it’s been weighing heavy on my mind, but also with hopes that some of you may relate and find it helpful. Now, we pick up the pieces!