Progressing in the Journey

I remember what it felt like in my lowest moments. I remember this deep despair that rose from the depths of my being. Looking back on it years later, I can say that a major proponent of my depression was my inability to truly love myself. This pit of loneliness, rejection, self-loathing, confusion, and hopelessness really had a way of latching on to me whenever I felt like I was reaching a turning point.

All of the research and information I have sought out has told me that the human brain isn’t fully developed until it reaches about 25 years old. With this in mind, it isn’t totally surprising that I was rather unequipped to handle the mixture of emotions and circumstances I found myself in daily. A common misconception regarding depression, or mental health as a whole, is that it can be influenced in one way or another by circumstantial change.

I don’t consider myself an expert on this topic, but I can speak for myself regarding the above statement. I used to describe my mind and heart to people as a person running through a forest. I knew that what I needed was within reach, but I never knew which direction to go to find the exit. While external forces surely would have brought me some degree of comfort and satisfaction, they never would have been sufficient to create the issues buried deep within.

Clinging to Despair

Often times I have discovered that the loudest voice I will ever hear is the one coming from within my own head. It didn’t matter what others told me — I was always going to be unloveable and an afterthought. One thing I’ve learned over the last decade is that my emotional and mental health, just like my physical health, needs to be focused on and cultivated on a daily basis.

I firmly believe that emotions are contagious, and the energy that you emit will almost always dictate the way you are treated by those around you. In this vein, I was beginning to push away those who loved me by my toxic moods and mindsets. If I were to get back to my analogy of the forest, I would say that I was traversing 100 miles per hour, straight in the wrong direction.

Learning to Love Myself

There is something special about the transforming love we can have for ourselves. As I began to pick up the pieces of who I was, a sense of love and purpose sprouted within me. After countless hours of introspection, intentional conversations, goal setting, and the development of passions, I found myself drifting further and further from the person I thought I was destined to remain.

I coined this season of my life as my journey of learning to love myself. I was willing to accept moments of failure, with the prize of sustained happiness and joy waiting for me on the other side of the horizon. It’s become almost second nature for me to remember who I was in my lowest moments, and use that as a springboard to chase harder to become who I want to be. I was emotionally like a child learning from experience not to touch the burning stove — each moment a lesson or triumph.

Thriving From the Inside Out

While many great things have happened as a result of this change, I would say the greatest is my desire to seek out what’s best for me. From relationships to decisions to the ways I spend my money, I have an outlook that is centered on where I am going. Rather than being overwhelmed by the things that happened to and around me, I was able to cultivate an ability to remain content through all circumstances.

I don’t think that I am quite yet the person I want to be — but I know I’m on the right path.