Priority is You

Since it is #mentalhealthawarenessmonth I want to share my personal story.

*WARNING triggers of depression, anorexia, bulimia*

So If you are new to my channel, my name is Christine and I am 18 years old.

I grew up in a big city and have always been super friendly and really enjoyed going to school.

I started getting bullied in school in grade 4, I got made fun of the way I dressed and I was picked on for anything I did.

I moved to a small town to start fresh with my parents and my brother. Things were seeming to be a great new start for me and my family, but my brother moved out when he was 17. I was crushed because he was my big older brother (we are 8 years apart) and him leaving left me feeling alone.

My parents were starting to fight and I rarely saw my brother. My mom and dad started to work a lot more, which left me home by myself a lot.

In grade six I started to get bullied again, I was really anxious because a group of boys would always make fun of me because I started puberty earlier than some girls.

I talked to my teacher about the issues and my teacher ignored it and It got to the point where I would only wear hoodies and baggy clothing to school. I really hated myself and what I looked like.

Days got lonelier, parents fought more and I was left by myself for most days.

I got to the point where my health was slowly going downhill, I had reached an all-time low. I found out that my grand-père was diagnosed with cancer, he was like a father to me. My dad was really intimidating and mentally abusive so I did not have a close relationship with him.

Everything became too much for me, I stopped eating my lunches at school, started puking in the school bathrooms, I started counting calories. I would go to bed starving and I was under 100lbs in grade 6.

I started to have acne, which created more reasons for my bullies to pick on me, so I started cutting. I felt lost and every day felt like hell. I wanted to leave earth. I felt useless, my family was crumbling, my dad-like figure was sick, self-esteem was down the drain and my big brother just left me in the cold.

I felt like nothing was fixable, I felt unworthy of anything good to come into my life.

One night I cut one of my veins, but It didn't go far enough for me to die.

I started searching different ways of killing myself and tried to drink detergent, but my mom caught me.

I wanted my pain to end.

I started to go to a counselor at my school for support because I needed it. Once my counselor found out I was suicidal she called my mom to let her know.

Then I had to tell my parents or she would tell them herself. I was left with no choice but to tell them.

At this point, I was terrified my family was always taboo surrounding mental illnesses.

My dad decided that he wanted to close me off because of my issues and left me upset and confused as to why he didn't care to help me. My mother was shocked but moved on after a few days and just kept her feelings to herself

Grade 7 came around and my eating issues became worse. I was puking every day and I had started weighing myself and tryed to be as skinny as possible. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I thought I was fat and I wanted what models had for a figure, so I started working out for hours and ate as little as I could in front of my parents. I would throw up after working out from exertion. Food was a challenge, eating felt like I was gaining weight as soon as I would open my mouth. I wanted to be “thin”, I wanted to feel “pretty”.

I went to more counselors and psychologists but my parents didn't understand why I went and my mom thought I would grow out of it. So they stopped taking me to get help.

Once I moved out at 17 I was able to get help on my own and It took me until almost the end of my first year in university to go get help.

I still struggle and my eating disorder still haunts me but I have been learning to control it and get the help and support I need for myself.

*None of this "changed" overnight and this is just some of my story*

I know I am STRONG and so are YOU

Sending love

*if you are struggling, feel free to message me on Instagram*

LINK: https://www.instagram.com/christinemhw